Is it stupid….or is it brilliant?

Cute little fucker.

Hmmm…with the impending cloud of terrorism looming over everyone’s heads these days I’m teetering on the fence towards stupid. This probably wasn't the best option for publicity.

I’m sure in tomorrow’s news it will mention that the head of Cartoon Network will be going into rehab…for….ummm…something.

Jefferson Starship in Hollywood today…

Or is it Airplane now or was that first? I still get confused.

I heard the sound check as I was walking from the parking garage to the office building. It was just the guitar and drums, I knew the song but I just couldn’t place exactly who it was.

When I got to my desk I heard some people talking by the windows. I walked over as they were watching and listening to the sound check (yes on the 11th floor it was that loud) and a girl I work with told me who it was. There was no one in the parking lot at that point and I thought by the time they went on…even with the rain…people would come.

It didn’t happen. They played for an hour to promote, believe it or not, a web cam that I just bought. The company definitely could have spent more money for promotion of the brand and the band but obviously didn’t.

Working where I work all the companies on the boulevard know what is going on and send out alerts for the star struck and for those that don’t want to be stuck in traffic. We never heard a peep about this.

I knew when Johnny Depp was getting his foot prints at Grauman’s and when Ozzy Osbourne was getting his star…that was interesting and I knew when INXS was suppose to perform on the top of the new Virgin Mega store…that got rained out…damn. Those were my star strucks…the rest was stuck in traffic.

This one was a surprise to everyone that I talked to when i walked in this morning. I don’t know how popular this band is now but I know all their older songs, which they played today. I just thought there would have been a hell of a lot more people out there if anyone…someone would have know about it. I can’t think that any member of the band was very happy about playing that gig. The pic I took above was the mass of the crowd.

Which leads me to believe that someone that worked for that promotion team is looking for a new job as I type.

This happened once before…

Sacha went crazy over a pic of john quincy adams on crush’s blog. I took a picture of her looking at it and posted it but the picture was to dark so I deleted it.

Tonight I just wondered if she would do it again…

Yeah she did it again.

Thisishowmylaundrywent…

I actually stayed there while it was washing and drying…which is rare for me. I usually come back home because the place is only ¼ mile from my house.

As I was sitting in my car I started hearing a little girl crying and she was one very distressed 2 year old that cried the whole time I was there…which was about an hour. The mother tried everything. The only thing that seemed to make the little girl happy was a leather wrist band with spikes on it…something you would see in an old Motley Crue video and a fountain soda that was almost as big as she was. Cute little thing.

My mom never would have stood for that. She always use to say we were such well behaved kids. Well of course Ma, if we weren’t we got the evil stare of death. Ooh how the memory still haunts me.

A young couple was there and as I’ve always said in the past they won’t be going there together for long. Funny…they walked in together and he walked out before she even finished loading the washer. He never returned. See it’s happening all ready. Man I’m good. At least he tried.

An older couple fighting over if the clothes were dry enough. Just pack the shit up and take it home. It will dry eventually!

A man was next to me in the parking lot in his “Good Times” van (I love those things) backed in with the back doors open. I never saw him take a piece of clothing into the Laundry of pain but I did see him going through all his bills while eating his lunch. Curious, I thought...as I tilted my head sideways.

But the topper of this whole excursion was the annoying yuppie on the cell phone. He walked by at one point when I was folding my laundry and looked at me. I smiled and he just stared at me. Alrighty then.

He proceeded to sit down and talk on his cell phone REALLY LOUD. I can only assume he wanted to prove to the whole place that he didn’t belong there. He actually just ended up looking like a moron. Seems he was taking to a co-worker that was having trouble with their Mac. Now I’m not a Mac person but I know enough about them that I knew this guy had no fucking clue what he was talking about. Take it outside buddy your interrupting my laundry misery.

I did forget to mention the guy in the van had on a shirt that depicted a page of a comic book. There were super heroes all over his shirt with the balloons above their heads saying things like “Watch out captain Blah Blah.” He was a wee bit over weight and had his shirt tucked in his jeans so the focal point of the shirt was a balloon right over where I would imagine his belly button was that said “There’s trouble down here” but the charcter was lost below his jeans. What? What Trouble? Who’s down there saying that? Heh.

I thought it was funny. Guess you had to be there.

I knew it would happen eventually…

my integrity would be questioned.

To: India
From: L
RE: Drs Note

I was just talking to C (HR dept) about your progress. Let’s sit down next week and you can update me on how you feel and what the Dr. says. We also need a Dr’s note on you regarding your need to have therapy. Also—maybe you could look into having your therapy first thing in the morning instead of in the afternoon—what is the first appt? Let’s discuss.

Let’s discuss…what?

Wow I would think that they would have asked for a doctors note when I walked back into work a month and a half ago….I did offer…declined…”No need India.”

I cleared the time of my PT with L and now it’s a problem. Interesting.

I was and still am speechless over that email.

I will never regain the full use of my right hand.
Doctors have told me this.
Surgeons have told me this.
My physical therapists have been kinder…I have to adapt.

I will never be the same…and you’re asking for a fucking doctor’s note because you don’t believe me?

Honey, how many dr.s notes do you want because I have a fucking novel of um at this point.

Now my personal health has become an issue? I’m requested by my boss to discuss “how I feel?”

Dig your own grave with just your left hand and then you’ll see how I feel L.

I’m not crippled…I can walk and talk and look normal just like everyone out there in the real world.

Can I open a bottled soda without a pair of pliers? It takes some effort. Can I hold a glass in my right hand with out it sliding from my grasp and shattering to the floor…sometimes. Can I write the way I want to…nope. Can I draw the way I want to…nope.

Can you cut a girl some slack…nope.

People walk around everyday not conscience of any part of there body most of the time. My right hand is always there to remind me that I am human and I can lose something without even knowing it.

I have few things in this world. The things I have, I treasure…my integrity is one of them and I don't remember losing that.

Could I have sued my company and claimed that it was work related? Absolutely. Would I do that? Absolutely not. Oh the things I could have done…even my doctors questioned me on this issue. I would be sitting pretty if I would have done that. I couldn’t though…because I have no idea why it happened.

I do appreciate the ride though...I’ve been in a place that most people don’t see. People don’t like the weak, the wounded. They have now idea what they go through and they don’t know what the people that chose to help them are like. I do know and I see the world in a different light now.

“and so shines a good deed in a weary world”

Wily Wonka is on TV and the memory of Ripley peeing on Sacha’s head last night is such a vivid memory that’s it’s still making me laugh.

That’s a whole other story.

It was a very enlightening hour at physical therapy today…

My normal therapist was helping another one of her patients pick out a new wheelchair. An older gentleman, he’s there on the same days I am. My normal PT and I have discussed him. I know that he is suffering from a spinal cord injury, one of the hardest things to recover from. I told her that I had spoken to him in the waiting room and he was one of the kindest people I think I’ve ever met…she agreed. I think there are some people that exude such kindness that a person just can’t ever imagine them being angry at anything…ever.

I got to see him get his new wheelchair today. He was so happy…so excited…I just wanted to run over and hug him and tell him how happy I was for him. He graduated today so I probably won’t ever see him again…my loss.

I really like my usual PT she’s a little peppy girl but to tell you quite honestly, we don’t have that much to talk about. The girl that filled in for her today I’ve seen before…S…now we can talk. The things we talked about today were not normal conversations that you have with a virtual stranger but I am definitely drawn to those people who can do it.

It made me wonder as I was driving home…do people actually have an instinct before ever knowing anything about someone else if they know they will like them or dislike them or that it’s just a draw. I think I’ve asked that question here before but I’m not sure there is an answer.

Funny…the first time I spoke to S before I ever even knew her I asked her for a validation…she replied “Your beautiful.” She took me by surprise and the words “No, parking validation” Were already starting to come out of my mouth. Then I started to laugh. After that, every time I saw her I would say “Can I have a validation?” as always …her reply was the same.

Yeah, yeah I know I’m sure she uses that line with everyone I just like it when people catch me off guard and makes me laugh.

Unless the doc says otherwise it looks like Monday will be my graduation. As weird as it sounds I think I’ll miss it.

You can’t hide anything there. Yeah everybody is in pain but the whole being of the place is to make it better. I’ve never seen a person in there that was bitter or angry. Everyone is working together to get better so it makes for a positive place to be.

If that makes any fucking sense…probably not until you’ve been there.

Sam...please pack your knifes...

There are few shows on TV that I look forward to seeing the next episode but Top Chef is my favorite. Now...I don’t give a shit who wins the fucking show. I thought Sam was a sure thing…I thought he was going to win it by a landslide.

Nope…eliminated tonight. The last two standing on the show don’t have half his talent or poise. I know shows like this, as much as it's claimed reality it's the drama factor and not who is the most talented.

I’m not watching this crap anymore and I’m definitely not watching the season finale next week. I hope neither win. Is that possible? I guess in reality TV anything is.

Damn…first the book and now this...guess it just isn’t my day.

I didn’t realize that I had been out of the reading world for so long

I usually read hand me down books because at least I can get a more general idea if I’ll like it by the person that gives it to me and if it’s as good as write ups say it is.

The last few books that I’ve bought weren’t quite the page turners that I had hoped and there are currently hanging around here collecting dust because if a book doesn’t get me within the first 20 pages it’s a goner. I refuse to waste time on a book that doesn’t interest me when there is another sitting on my book self that will.

I went to my local grocery store today and since their remodel a few weeks ago they have rearranged where their paperbacks are. I actually walked by them today and as I passed I saw the above cover. Dean Koontz is one of my favorite authors.

I don’t usually pay full price for books but I just had to. When I got home I started to wonder if I had missed anymore of his books since I really haven’t been paying attention. So I looked it up. Well of course I have and of course there is one before this one in this particular series.

Now I’m wondering if I should wait to read this one until I get the first. I’m not a patient person when it comes to things like this but I don’t want to spoil the experience either.

Shit…anticipation…sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it.

“The Bad Girls Club” or “State of the Union”…

Hmmm…hard choice in TV viewing tonight.

Thirty minutes of girls cat fighting or listening to a little bitch.

I think I’m going for the cat fights…much more entertaining.

Man I’ve got a big mouth…

I’ve always had a problem with my temper. On a day to day basis I have learned to control it just as my brother has. He has the same problem.

But given a new tattoo, a little booze and caring about someone that I know is being done wrong I can turn into quite the bitch. I have to realize that there are certain situations that I just need to keep my opinion out of. I learned that this weekend.

I still feel bad about it. I’ve been racked with anxiety for two days.

I wonder how it is that when people do something wrong…they realize it, apologize and let it go. I just can’t do it…it takes me forever to let something I’ve done wrong go. It almost eats me alive.

I can’t say I was COMPLETELY wrong in the situation…but mostly.

Why do I have such a temper but a conscience that kills me more than my anger ever could.

Tattoo shops are a different world…

When I was there yesterday I thought about a post that Megaton wrote. The one that discussed Americans and how we don’t talk to each other.

I met six people yesterday. Including the owner of the shop who actually drew out my tattoo…in two seconds…I hated him and admired him all at once for that because I could only wish for a quarter of his talent.

Everyone was talking to everyone else there. Asking for opinions on tatts, telling stories about ones that they got…there was even one girl that got the old cooch tattooed and she was pretty much out there for everyone to see and no one cared.

There was also a little girl there with her parents and she walked up to me and said “I like the earring in your eye.” Heh…she made me smile.

I really wish the world could be as simple as it was contained in that shop and it could if people were just a little more open.

But in the normal day it just isn’t that way.

It’s all judgment…fear…who knows…but it’s really fucking stupid.

Joe…

Can you ever imagine anyone that meant so much?

I didn't until he was gone.

This completed my...my Joe.

And the nightmares begin…

I rarely dream. I daydream always but dreams at night are rare. When I do dream they are so amazing that when I wake up I repeat them in my mind so I can remember them.

The last few nights I've woken up in a cold sweat trying to erase them from my memory.

Dreams of death…I know from Minnee that this is usually a sign of rebirth in the dreamland world but that shit isn't helping me today.

I got up at 9:30 this morning…it's fucking Saturday…I'm at least a nooner sleeper on the weekends but my mind just won't rest today.

Makes me want to go and get another tattoo for some reason. Hmmm….

This is how I see the world…

“Morning India!”

“Morning L.”

Sat down at my desk…didn’t check my voicemail or my email. Had to finish “The Project.” Sounds important huh? heh

I crammed four days worth of work into a day and a half. She would half skip by my desk every hour and ask “How’s it goin’????” with a wide semi evil grin on her face.

When the lunch bell rang she walked by me with her packed lunch and said “Look India, I packed my lunch again!!!”

“That’s great L…your doing a damn good job at that these days.”

Honestly, has she lost it?

As directed by her…2pm…I printed the pages of the report out and put them in a….ummm what are they called? Three ring binder? Is that it? Yeah I think that’s what I used…it was black with three silver shinny hoop things…modern technology today…I just don’t get it.

I handed it to her “Well, let me look this over and see what we have here.” I told her anything she needed changed was no problem.

When I left today that binder was on the floor of her office with a couple of magazines thrown on it.

Did it make me feel bad…yeah…it made me feel like garbage and I think that’s exactly what she wanted.

She wants to beat me down and I realized it today. I also realized that she can’t…no one can. Shit, I went though DD and she thinks she can make me play nice. I don’t think so.

She did teach me a lesson though. I will scrape every penny I can…get a second job again if I have to and save as much money as I can in the shortest amount of time so I can tell her to go fuck herself the next time she belittles me.

I have better things to do with my world.

I realized that when M called me on her way home from work. I can laugh with her like no other person but my sister.

We laughed about how fucked up our jobs are, about how…certain things don’t happen quite the way they should and in the end it really doesn’t matter anyway. M and I have a bond that no one could ever understand….we have the constant game show host in our world and it’s really fucking funny.

She made me laugh and I appreciate that. She also makes me think, which I usually try to avoid…but I do slip.

The only thing you can take with you when you die is what you’ve done or haven’t done.

If I died tomorrow…what would I think right before the bitter end…hmmm….

Was I a good person?

Absolutely.

I would have to ask however

“Can I take my favorite pillow?
Also, not to be difficult…do I have to do laundry?”

What a Shit hole of a day…

And I was at the bottom of the hole.

I should have know how the day was going to go when I walked by my boss “L” this morning as I was coming in and said “Good Morning” and she looked at me as if I had slept with her husband and she found out about it. Brrrrrr…is it cold in here or is it just me?

I mean she had ever right to be angry with me I was 4 minutes late.

Oh well…another day another fucking bitch mood.

I sat down at my desk and starting reading my email.

TO: India - FROM: L – RE: Priority
TO: India - FROM: L – RE: Project
TO: India’s Boss in NY – FROM: L - RE: Acct. List CC: India
TO: Head of Finance In Home office – FROM: L - RE: Account Program CC: India

TO: L - FROM: India RE: KISS MY FUCKING ASS!!!

Have you lost the ability to read? Haven’t you seen all the emails back and fourth about all of the above issues? Oh I’m sorry you had to hear the answers from someone more important than me. How silly I can be at times.

I guess it made you feel very superior to make me look like a fucking incompetent moron to just about everyone I talk to within the company. Ya did a damn good job. Thanks! :)

TO: India – FROM: L – RE: Project
India,
When do you think you will have this project finished?

REPLY FROM: India
By the end of the week.

REPLY FROM: L
I need it tomorrow. What else pressing do you have on your desk?

REPLY FROM: India
You will have it tomorrow.

This meant that I had to drop everything else I was working on. Plus she sent me another email requesting something else and when I didn’t run into her office with it she questioned where it was. She failed to tell me it took precedence over the project I was currently working on for her.

That was at 10:30 this morning. She walked by my desk at least 20 times back and fourth to the printer throughout the day and never looked at me or spoke a word to me for the rest of the day.

Do ya think she hates me? Hmmm….I just can’t tell.

Now why all the sudden she chose to blatantly kick my ass into the ground is beyond me. Wow…DID I sleep with her husband? Yeah….I don’t think so…ewe.

After I left work I expected some game show host in a bad sequin suit to jump out in front of me at the parking garage and scream…

“Guess what you’ve won for the shitty day you’ve just had…

The elevator in the parking garage is broken again and you are on the 5th floor! You’ve just won 5 flights of stairs in a urine drenched stairwell!
There is currently a huge wreck on the 101 and you get to sit in traffic freezing your ass off because you forgot your jacket today and your car has no heater!
Also there will be no parking on your street so you get to carry four heavy bags of groceries two blocks!

It’s your lucky day…most people don’t get all three AND a shitty day!”

There is one thing I can say about this city though….I don’t have to look very far to realize just how lucky I am.

I stopped at the liquor store on my way home (surprised?) and there was a homeless man standing behind me with a quarter to buy one cigarette. After I paid I turned around and almost ran right into him…I smiled and said “Excuse me.” He looked back at me with a blank stare. As I was getting into my car I saw him walk out of the liquor store. He walked to the edge of the parking lot and sat down on a cement wall that separated the store from the street. I drove past him and he looked and me and cracked a small smile.

I have a home….I have someone to come home to…they may only be my dogs but they love me. I have a family and I have friends…and for the time being I have a job.

GODDAMMIT! Is there one day that I can just STAY mad and wallow in it????

Fuck.

Oh I’m glad I did…

Feeling the way I felt this weekend…hmm…a little weird in my skin… and trying not to go out and spend money to make myself feel better was a little tough…today got the best of me.

I went to my ever famous thrift store and started sorting though the CD’s. I found the three above that peaked my curiosity.

I’ve been out of the music world for…well forever it seems. There has always been a million influences on me…but mine. Now I want to find what I like…the norm or not the norm. So I tend to sort though CD’s at that thrift store and it has become a game to me.

Pick and chose by the cover and the songs. It’s not the modern world there. No headphones to see if you like it…all about feeling when you hold it up and look at it.

Tonight was a good night. Two bucks a shot. I got 6 bucks of goods…maybe even great.

I’m going critique…such a stupid word…ok just tell you what the fuck I think they are like.

My favorite is “Mourning Noise.” Cross between The Sex Pistols and the Ramones fighting in an alley and being recorded. Unfortunately, as the pic depicts…long gone. Glad I found it. This band…the musician are extremely talented in their own right but the guitar player and drummer are insane talented.

“July For Kings” Swim
The reason that I picked this CD was because on the back of the CD…one of the band members was wearing a CBGB shirt…may the club, I never saw but always wanted to, rest in peace. They are a little Seattle and main stream. Me and Minn looked them up and they have a couple of CD’s…they are also done.

Can’t bands just get along? Heh…

“Sunset Black” Common Ground
The album name says it all. It’s ok…team players…no one outshines the other….well the singer might…but that’s always a given sometimes.

Not to say that I’m an expert about any music, this is purely my point of view and after living with musicians…they tended to pour their wisdom…or lack there of…all over me.

I finally realized their wisdom was jealousy. What I thought was amazing in them I now realize is mediocrity. I guess they knew it because every CD I bought that I loved they thought was trash and it soon disappeared…without my knowledge.

I’ve found now that I can buy music and chose to like it and play it over and over and over again…or give it away…throw it in the garbage but now it never disappears without my knowledge.

It’s mine….my music.

Oh how I love getting a new cell phone…

It’s beautiful. To me it’s almost as exciting as getting a new car.

I had no idea what a dinosaur my old phone was. This one is like a fucking video game…it’s amazing. I might have to actually read the manual….scary.

It actually has a camera. I know…I know most of you out there have had a camera phone for years…cut me some slack…I’m trying to move out of the stone age.

What is it about me?

I often wonder if I look like a Latino gang member or maybe it’s that I look such the opposite.

All I know is the male Latino gang members or wanna be gang member love the looks of whatever I have. Only Minneee understands the true concept of that statement.

I went to 7-11 to get my Saturday morning Slurpee which probably wasn’t a good choice since it’s 50 here and now I’m freezing my ass off but that’s beside the point…

When I was waiting in line there was a guy in front of me buying beer. He kept looking at me. I kept looking behind me to see who he was looking at…there was no one behind me. Hmmm….he’s attractive…nice smile…arms the size of my thighs, that’s always a plus. The tattoo on his bald skull and the Spanish tag tattoo swirling around his neck was still extremely attractive but not enough to visualize myself staring down the barrel of a gun one day. He looked at me again and smiled…opened his wallet and searched through the hundreds to find a twenty. Drug money? Then he asked the clerk for a cell calling card. Can’t commit? Interesting. His friend walked up he paid and they walked out of the store. Me and short lived romances…ahhh the power of my imagination.

My turn…I paid for my goods and walked out to my car. While fumbling to find my keys I looked up and there he stood smiling at me from across the parking lot…I looked behind me again to see who he was smiling at. There was no one behind me.

I smiled back...keys…car…go.

Now I usually never pass up any opportunity to meet anyone because I believe that you can find a best friend for life or that certain special person in the strangest of places and there is always the aspect of learning along the way.

I’ve been know to ignore enormous red flags that literally slap me in the face but this one screamed being found dead in a ditch somewhere due to unknown causes.

This is where I draw the line…I mean come on…I have to draw it somewhere.

Talked to my mom tonight…

I think that we have reached an understanding.

I’m a product of her environment and she is a product of mine.

She was so sweet to me.

She’s been leveled in her life and we talked about it.

Scary…my mom actually spoke and didn’t criticize.

I’m a little blown away.

She was nice to me…or was I nice to her?

There has been an ongoing trend here that I’ve noticed…

And I don’t really understand it.

I get the concept of Traffic police…you know the ones that actually direct traffic when a light is out. Is that what their called…hmmm not sure.

Lately I’ve seen many of them standing on the corners of certain intersections that get congested at times during rush hour.

I’m sorry…did I say standing on the corner? Yeah that’s right…standing on the corner…just kind of hanging out watching the cars pile up.

The cars stack up and I sit and watch the light turn from green to yellow then red…again and again and again. Then I turn and look at Mr. White Gloves standing on the corner either staring up at the sky, talking on his cell phone or tilting his head sideways with the most curious look on his face. I’ve seen that look before…in my ex when he had snorted enough coke to keep a small nation awake or when I ask one of my dogs a question that we all know can’t be answered.

Interesting…

Now maybe I’m a little slow sometimes…I’ll admit it myself but I really don’t think they should be standing on the corner.

I’ve actually envisioned one of them jumping out in front of my car and yelling “BOO!” with their arms out stretched and their little white gloves doing a razzmatazz…or my second favorite…stripping one of the gloves off and moon walking across the intersection. During Christmas I thought at least they could put on a Santa hat and have one of those kettles for collections and ring one of those annoying bells.

No…they just stand there waiting for some traffic crisis of such mass proportions that the world may not be the same after it happens.

I can only hope I’m there to witness it…or at least a small moon walk…somethin… come on…throw a girl a bone.

I just have to…

I rarely…well…never talk about politics but the look on this little mother fucker’s face is to priceless to ignore.

To me it looks like he is saying “What? What the fuck did I do? Ok...now that I’m hated around the world I guess I have to say I’m sorry….I’M FUCKING SORRRRYYY!!!!”

Kiss it Bush…it’s too late.

While eating lunch at my desk today…

I was surfing the net and checking the blogs I always read. I know that my company has been implemented some new security programs but I couldn’t understand why there were only two blogs that I couldn’t pull up. I kept getting the error “You are unauthorized to view this page.” Hmmm…the only thing that I’m not authorized to view are websites that the company considers offensive or contain obscenities. I was on the phone talking to Minneee and she said to test hers. Of course it came right up as did The Professor’s and Otis’s.

Has anyone guessed yet what two blogs I couldn’t view?

Drum roll please………

And the winners are Crush Depth and Thisishowmymorningwent.

I actually find a sense of pride in this…fucking corporate bastards…fuck um.

Now I really have to find a new job.

Wow…what the fuck got into me last night???

Who the hell wrote that post? I had one simple point in mind which was that I got fucked over by someone that expressed to me how nice they were and would never do me any harm. Yeah right.

Anyway I guess sitting here watching TV, talking to my mom on the phone and a few glasses of wine made me ramble like a fucking moron.

Guess I’m not such a good multitasker after all. Oh well…lesson learned.

On to today’s work drama. Now before I begin I do have to say I’m starting out this story with the knowledge that I know I’m wrong in the basics of this story but I think I’m right in the rest.

Lately I’ve been late to work. My hours are from 9-6 and usually I’m there anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes late. This I know is wrong. My hours are what they are and I should be on time.

I got a talking to today because of my tardiness. I almost thought for a second she was going to make me stand in the corner.

I understand her point but it’s the double standard part that tends to confuse me.

Everyone else that’s salary can come and go as they please for the exception of me and the only other person that I get along with in my department.

The evil ones can wait for the plumber or cable guy. Hang out at home until they feel like coming to work. Most of the time they cut out at 3 or 4 with a “I’ve had enough for today…see you tomorrow.” as they walk by me. MB and I are connected to our desk with the old ball and chain. Why we are singled out and picked on I do not understand.

I got a promotion a couple of years ago that put me on salary, put manager at the end of my title and also took away the enormous amount of overtime I was working. One of the selling points for this so called promotion was that I would be salary and that I didn’t have to clock watch all the time. That has long disappeared. Also, even though I was promoted I am still treated like the peon that they believe me to be.

I decided last night that I was going to dress better, try harder and dismiss all the gossip and drama at work. That backfired in my fucking face today.

I know that I’ve been off work for 3 months and I was really excited about going back and getting the fuck out of this house but I think that I was really unhappy there before I left. I’ve only been back since Christmas and already the drama is rearing it’s ugly head and I’m waking up with the same sinking, disgusting feeling of dread everyday I have to work.

It’s clear to me that I will never be treated with the respect that I think I deserve there and I’m really fucking sick of it.

I was planning on saving as much money as I could over the next year and getting the fuck out of this state and moving back to Texas. I wasn’t planning on trying to find a new job in the process but it looks like that's the way it's going.

I just don’t know how long I’m going to be able to handle it there. The advertising world is one fucked up place to be. It’s all about the money and as long as the evil ones bring it in no one gives a shit what they do or how they treat other people.

I think they are trying to get rid of me anyway. Fine…go for it…drop the axe. I was never made for corporate America but I ended up there and I’m sick and fucking tired of it.

The rebellion begins…yeah like I’m gonna be on time tomorrow…I don’t think so.

I don’t usually compliment myself…

Someone call 911 because it just might happen.

I’m not good with money…never have been.
Never been good at telling someone to go fuck themselves even though I should have.
I don’t hate…but I do hate the things that people do sometimes, myself included.
I try very hard not to judge…but when I do…I have to consider what I would do in the same situation.

I realized today that I have one quality that few people have

I’m a good person

I always thought that people that had to explain why they were a good person was weird. To me it meant they weren’t. I never realized the justification that people had to prove.

I will give any person a bazillion chances
I will be nice to you tomorrow, today and in the next century.
I will lie, cheat and steal for someone I care about
I will look at them with wide eyes and an open heart.
I will do anything for anyone…even if they don’t deserve it...even if I don’t know them.

I keep getting run over by freight trains…this is my decision but it’s only because I get too connected to people too quickly. It’s in me and I can’t change it, nor do I want to.

I’d rather live life and be hurt than live life and be a vegetable.

I’ve hung on to things for to long and I know I have to hang some shit up and let goodwill take it away. It’s hard….and of course it’s life.

Man, things walk into someone’s life and then walk back out.

The hardest thing that I’ve encountered in my life is people that aren’t like me.

People that see life as a long, cold place…or everyday is the same.
Digging out of a hole that they…maybe…can’t quite reach the edge
Giving up…letting things engulf them
I’ve been there…and all of the above still apply

I guess it’s just how you pull yourself out of the quicksand. I do it really poorly…but some people get down right nasty about it.

Life isn’t easy and no one said it would be…but people are really shitty sometimes and it actually makes me a little sad.

“Some people don’t have the chance to get old.”

I read that quote when I was at a docs office one day and it spoke volumes.

I just think if you open your eyes everyday…walking out to your car…just going to work …seeing the sun or the rain…everything is what you make it I guess. It’s just to fucking precious to pass by…

But people do….their choice.

My choice...don't pass up a great pair of shoes...heh

I hate it when I have these kind of days….

I don’t like it when I’m down. Not anything in particular...maybe just a bunch of things that have happened over the past few weeks.

Guess I’m just a little lonely. It’s not like I want to hang out with people constantly because I am definitely not that way…but every once in a while it would be cool and for some reason this weekend I actually felt like going out. I usually want nothing more than to be left alone.

I had two phone calls today…one of course was Minnee the other was DD.

Seems a couple of weeks ago I slipped and told DD some information that has sent him into a tail spin. Just one more reason I can’t talk to him anymore. Actually that’s not true…we got into a fight and I was so angry about what he pulled over Christmas and he kept hounding me on why I didn’t call him that I struck out and told him that there was someone at my house that day. In all fairness it was half slip and half anger.

Now it seems he’s trying to get me back for that tip bit of information. He told me tonight that he hung out last night with a girl that he use to cheat on me with when we were together. He said “How do you feel about that huh?” I told him “Good for you, I hope you had fun.”

He continued to talk in some beer induced coke over which entailed asking me the same question 20 times…I hung up on him.

I just don’t give a shit. Go…be free…fuck any girl that you want to…as long as it’s not me and I never have to even imagine that concept ever…ever again.

I guess it actually made me feel a little better…at least I’m not back in that place again…that deep dark hole that was once my life…

Now that I think about it this day has been child’s play compared to that.

Modern technology…Botox…hmmm

A friend of mine had this done. She was happy with the results at first but then she realized that when the part of the face that she froze affected other parts of her face she wasn’t so sure.

She had her forehead done and it seems it affected how she could move her eyebrows. Since she can’t raise her eyebrows anymore her upper eyelids hang instead of in a constant up position. She hates it.

I not against any form of plastic surgery…ok well injecting poison into your body maybe...but I can’t say I haven’t thought about it. It’s just scary to know that it can change something that you don’t necessarily think about it changing…an unknown reaction to an action.

I’m not a big fan of my face…as I told someone last night I chose not to like it. I could make a fucking list of why except none of them really make any sense to me. I have considered plastic surgery so many times it’s stupid. I don't think I'm unattractive but I also don't consider myself attractive.

With that said I’m not so sure I would even think about doing anything to change it now. I mean I know I have my issues with what I look like but I think most normal people do. It’s not like I have the melanoma mold growing off my chin or anything.

I just don’t understand how things got to this point. People injecting poison into their bodies to prevent some forehead lines. Who the hell thought of that?

What ever happened to growing old gracefully? I guess that saying is slowly being erased from time…just like all the wrinkles.

“Yo Bitch…what up?”

The little fucking rodent doesn’t even run anymore. He just hangs out on the counter warming his hands by the light of the mouse sensors. “Thanks for the heaters…I really appreciate it. Did they set you back much?”

“Listen you little fucker…why don’t you fucking get a clue and get the fuck out of here!”

As he sat down on the little mousey couch his buddy helped him move up to my kitchen counter, cracked a beer, crossed his legs…he replied “Where’s the love? I should have realized something was up when you stopped leaving the plate by the bed with my midnight crumb snacks. This wouldn’t be about the little hottie I brought over the other night would it? She meant nothing to me I swear…I don’t know why the little slut is still hanging around here.”

As I stood there with my hands on my hips tapping my foot I said “That’s it! I’m going to buy one of the snap the rodents head off traps.”

“Ahhh babe…I know you won’t do that. I’ve heard you talking to all your friends about me. I know you love the little furry fuckers….I’ve seen your ex. By the way can you pick up some tennis balls tomorrow…me and the dogs have started playing catch while your at work.”

He yawned…checked his watch, stretched out his arms and got up from the couch. “Sorry to cut this little chat short but I’m going out tonight…don’t wait up….I’ll wake you when I get home.”

As he walked away...he turned around and with one furry eyebrow lifted said “You might want to think about getting out more yourself because if you’re sitting around making up stories about a mouse talking to you…you might want to think about getting a life.”

Thin or thinner….

Famine or feast?

Does a guy like a girl that’s pleasant plump or really thin.

Seems there is no in between…not that I’m out to please anyone but women do live by standards that are on the front of every magazine that men see everyday.

I have no gray area in my life…it seems now.

I just don’t get it. I was so fat for so long…and men thought I was a pig…now I’m too thin and men I meet and my friends and even family think I’m too thin.

Guess there is no even ground.

My computer is seriously fucked…

I do believe it’s living on borrowed time. I’m surprised that it’s still firing up.

My DSL program has completely disappeared from existence here and I actually had to ask Minneee to comment on a blog for me because this little gem here just didn’t want to do it.

I knew I should have become an IT person…but as it stands now I know as much about computers as I do about performing open heart surgery.

So it looks like I’m actually the one who’s fucked…I can only wish it was in a good way.

This is what woke me up...

Accompanied by his friends…

I do wish that I could have seen it.

M told me it was a stealth and there were two fighter jets with it. All I heard was the end of the world. She actually saw them. I wish I would have known. I would have had my camera waiting…all hung over just to see it. They flew over my house to get to the Rose Bowl for Christ sakes.

Damn…how can I wait for something that I don’t know was going to happen.

I hate it when that shit happens.

Now wasn’t I just bitching about being hung over New Year’s Day?

Being woken up this morning by the fighter jets flying over the Rose Parade didn’t help. I thought the fucking world was coming to an end. Minnee got that frantic phone call this morning. The fucking things made the windows of my house shake.

I just didn’t think it was a very nice thing to do to all the hung over people…what is up with that?

Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Year and I hope everyone was woken up a little nicer than I was this morning.

Happy fucking New Year…

I’m drunk…that’s all I wanted to say…heh