I don’t care who knocks on my door today….

No entrance. I wish I had one of those motel signs…”Do not disturb”

I already had to go to the store this morning for something I forgot last night. I really fucking hate it when that happens.

First movie…”The Longest Yard”…yeah the new one, it makes me want to see the original again.

Funny, my mom took us to see all the movies that now parents wouldn’t even consider taking their kids to….much less letting them see on TV.

I think “The Legend of Billy Jack” was my favorite. She use to take us to this little theatre in downtown Dallas. The place probably held all of 30 people…it was cool.

We also use to go to the drive-in. Now that was something that should still be around. I think there are still a few here. I’d love to go to one of those again.

“The Gemini” is the one we had in Dallas, in later years that’s where all the kids in my high school hung out on the weekends. They showed movies we had already seen. It was more of a social thing. The girl’s bathroom at that place probably thought me more than I ever could have imagined about life.

Joe also took me to The Gemini….but that’s a whole other memory.

Today was a day I wanted to be alone…

Never tends to work out that way sometimes. I’m sick of people (except for the few that understand me) sick of doctors, sick of thinking…pretty much sick of everything.

It’s funny to me that I tell people I don’t want to talk to anyone or be around anyone for awhile or a day…hell even a fucking hour and just because they are different than me they seem to think I will fall into a place far far away.

People don’t seem to like the fact that other people don’t need as much human contact as they do…but I just get to a point where people just bug the shit out of me.

I had to drag my ass to the store today and it was like shoving bamboo shoots up my own fingernails. But at least I got enough goods for a weekend of lock down time.

It’s me and the girls, my computer and anything I want to watch on TV…as cheesy as I choose it to be.

I think I’m going through some serious sensory overload.

And then there was light…

Woo hoo! I once again I have power. It only took one day and 2 nights…but hey…it was my fault.

I heard the GWP man this morning….I really wanted to peek out the window to see if I could tell how he turned it back on but figured, even if I knew, I would probably electrocute myself if I ever needed to do it. Then I decided, this isn’t going to happen again so I don’t need to know…but I was curious…then again my bed was too comfy.

My brain has been very scattered today but I do know one thing for sure…

I really want some warm cherry pie and cold vanilla ice cream.

Maybe tomorrow….

When you forget to pay the power bill…..

Guess what? They turn the shit off. What is that all about?

Yeah, I forgot to pay it…did I have the money…yes.

This day has been a…umm…a bitch? Yes in more ways than one. Was it funny when I came home to no electricity? Actually, it was. Was it funny that my landlord was here telling me that me walking into a bathroom…I’m sorry…I just said bathroom…nah..it was a small pond…this morning, might be my fault and I might have to pay for the plumber? Yes…for this day… I have to say yes…this is some funny shit.

I am now…”officially” on short term leave…with 70% of my salary….and I can do this how? I will find a way.

The last few months have been comical…the last few days…have been fucking hysterical.

Since I am the queen of drama and always see the dark side….when I laugh about all this shit, people think that I’m being cynical.

There does come a point that you just have to expect it….or know it….and fucking fall on the floor laughing about it.

Oh….please excuse me…I have to call the bastards that cut off my power now….I think they want dollar signs…..

Thank goodness I live in a duplex and my neighbor let me run an extension cord to my computer and tv.

Thisishowmyday went…

Actually…that is how my yesterday went….

This is how my morning is starting….

One more bright and shiny day….shit.

I don’t understand why I do the things I do

People push and push….and take and take…

And I snap.

Why? Can't I say something to someone 10 times nicely…and then do one thing out of anger, because of the ten times I said nicely….but that one thing…I did…I am a bitch.

I can pile the bullshit on my shoulders like “Back to the Future…I..II and III….it's all about the manure, the fucking bullshit.

And they walk away like little pansies….

I’m sorry…but I thought you were my friend.

I can be a bitch…and I know it…but only if you push me to that point.

People walk all over me…and I don’t stop them.

As Minn said…”give them an inch and they will take a mile”

Had enough miles in my life….

I’m amazed…in astonishment…how people can feed off other people and feel superior.
And then blame you for your lack of everything.

I could be the queen of black today…but actually, I’m wearing white…so, in passing, I am the angel.

People bypass me, skip me…and ignore me…and that’s fine…but that’s when I think I have to look at myself.

Maybe I am wrong….someone once said…”if people say you’re wrong then you have to look at yourself.”

I don’t have to look far…hopefully

I know who my friends are…

And now I know who they aren’t.

I guess I need to keep learning this.

Don’t you hate when….

Shit looks better on the shelf than it does when you get it home and actually see and taste what is inside the jar.

I love pickles…I don’t think I like furry ones….hell, I didn’t even know they HAD furry ones….but if someone can find a furry pickle…it would be me. That last statement was wrong and right on so many levels…and I am seriously talking about pickles.

I do have to laugh…because I can honestly say I have met a furry pickle that I didn’t like.

You ever hear a sound that reminds you of home?
Ever been leveled by a single word?
Ever wait for what tomorrow will bring?
Ever been really late to work?

But does it really matter?

Nah…I don’t think it really does.

You can always save tomorrow…for another day.

Always think of that sound…and hold it in your heart.

Tomorrow comes….with a vengeance.

And the depression settles in….

I knew it was coming….or for that matter, already here…I was just avoiding inviting it in for a beer.

This time, I think it’s going to have to hang outside and lounge in one of the patio chairs and I’ll throw it a cold one every now and then.

As for today I think I’m going to try and clean this place up….and myself too.

It’s fucking hot here….once again….I think a cold shower might do me good….in more ways than one.

I think I’ve grown tired of being the all mighty depressed one….even though I do wear black well…

I’m sure once winter comes and everything is black and gloomy I’ll be much happier….all this fucking sunshine...is really starting to piss me off.

So how fucking stupid was this buy?

Pretty fucking silly…but it is fun.

It says….

“There is liquid in this jug to drink,
But to get it you’ll have to think.
Then have a try, it can be done,
And it’s sure to give you endless fun.”

I would say endless frustration…and being really fucking wet…

Honestly, the best $4 I ever spent.

Did I figure it out? Yup.

Am I going to tell you? Nope.

My car was just hanging out....

.................Minding his own business...having a smoke and a beer parked in front of my house.
I have to smile at the irony....
I heard the screeching tires...and thought....hope that wasn't my car....

heh...yup.

Man oh man….ex’s are a bitch….

Well mine is a little bitch. Guess he had to call and slam me today because he either didn’t feel good about himself this morning or just wanted to scream at someone.

I can HONESTLY say now….”WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?”

It’s actually quite comical to me now to hear him speak.

The man is a retard….oh…I’m sorry…did I say man….I meant boy.

His birthday is coming up and it will be the first time I haven’t bought him a present in 9 years….

Hmmm….or maybe I will. I’ll get a big box….wrap it up all purty and put inside a 40oz with a bill for rent past due…that would be about $35,000. Ok fuck the 40oz he doesn’t deserve that.

The art of manipulation…he learned so well from his father…but it just doesn’t work on me anymore….I mean it really is funny....now.

Him: Now that you’re sick and alone how does it feel? Now you know what I feel like…how I felt all those years with you.
Me: Ummm ok.
Him: You are so irresponsible.
Me: Yup, you’re right about that one…that’s why I supported your sorry ass for 9 years.
Him: I should have dumped your ass when I had the chance and gotten a girl that was younger.
Me: Yeah, you should have, it would have saved me a hell of a lot of money and taught a young girl what NOT to do with the next 9 years of her life.
Him: You are such a child…what are you 12?
Me: No I think that’s you and it wouldn’t be 12 it would be 5.
Him: You’re such a fucking bitch.
Me: You are right. You taught me well.
Him: See…there you go again.
Me: Where am I going? Already been to hell with you…you got anymore road trips planned?
Him: God, you’re such a fucking cunt.
Me: Yeah, I know…haven’t we discussed this before?
Him: See, there you go turning my words around.
Me: How did I turn around “fucking cunt”
Him: You just did it again.

Break-goodness knows I can’t stand Brittany Spears but the chorus of that song that I don’t even know how I know…went through my mind “I did it again” hehe

Ok back to one of most retarded conversations I’ve ever had with him….

Me: Yup…I did it again.
Him: Did what?
Me: What ever you’re telling me I did.
Him: I just can’t talk to you anymore.
Me: Ok
Him: See you did it again.

(Opps…I did it again)

Me: Did what?
Him: You know what you’re doing.
Me: Do I? Tell me what I’m doing?
Him: You’re being a bitch.
Me: You’re right again.

Him: (taking a swig of beer and then burping right into the phone…by the way this is him trying to think of something to say next) “Yeah I am right.”

Me: Absolutely.
Him: I just can’t talk to you anymore.
Me: ok…then don’t call me anymore.
Him: I didn’t call you, you called me.
Me: Wow…funny how that happens…the phone rang and I picked it up and it was you on the other end. Guess they changed the way phones work while I was sleeping…my fault.

Him: fuck you.

(click)

Man, he’s a piece of work. The idiot savant walking around Hollywood and no one has discovered him yet…such a pity.

I’m sorry, I know that was painful to read….but I was fucking laughing my ass off while typing it because he is so fucking retarded. I was actually….for the first time…laughing while he was throwing out the insults.

What Vance? Yah had a 12 pack before breakfast…or was that breakfast? Heh.

I’m so surprised that so many things have started clicking into place.

He can’t touch me anymore…not with words anyway. Actually, I can’t say that….cause I can kick the boys ass.

So he can’t beat me on shit, and he never could…ok now I am being 12.

I busted my ass because he had talent…and he pissed it all away or shoved it up his nose.

He sees a world that owes him something. I always tried to tell him the world doesn’t owe you shit. You make your way in this life.

Hehe…..guess what he said…

“Shut up you fucking cunt.”

Honestly...this shit makes me laugh now.

I do, however, feel pity for the next girl that walks into his nightmare.

But hey, we all have to learn a lesson sometime in life right?

I might be saying goodbye to the city of angels….

It’s 87% at this point….ok…88% chance…ok maybe 90%

I am a nomad and I think I take pride in this.

I also realize that I will die from this.

Oh…let’s discuss the “undiscussable”…shall we?

I’ve been though a lot of fucking bullshit these last few months.

I’m not going to talk about what ails me….

Guess I just need to talk…

My grandparents prepared for their retirement or what came later. My grandfather did everything right. In the end…was it right? No…he did everything right and invested his money to look out for him, his wife and his daughter.

But you know what? Didn’t mean shit when all was said and done.

You can plan for years…and you can come up with daisies…or poison ivy.
It’s a crap shoot.
I think I’m going to roll the dice one more time.

I think I might move back to Texas…..scares me a little…..

Guess you can take the girl out of Texas but you sure as shit can’t take Texas out of the girl.

I think my family is scared...but I told my sister and my mom that I was moving back but not near them. God I know they love me….they just don’t like me that much…and that fine….

They didn’t fight the fact that I’m thinking about moving there but 3 hours away….not even a whisper of…”no…move here with us”….

Wow…I guess if I move that will be the best excuse for NONE of them to see where, I was, where I’ve lived, my dogs….my dogs that have passed away…hell…my whole 14 years here….

Damn...I’m the queen of excuses….they never gave me an excuse…they just never came here.

I never thought I was that bad….but I guess I am….to them….not me.

I remember….

My friend Cindy “dated” this guy that she met in a bar. He was in a band, of course, and he was….well…quite the unusual person.

He was slick…had a nose ring like “Elsie the cow…many piercings..pretty much everywhere. Two tatt sleeves…and shins…I’m not sure what those are called…

But…

He was nicest guy you would ever want to meet.

He took up for Cindy’s daughter…all of this is sparked from Minn’s blog.

I don't remember his name, but since I said he was slick…that’s what I’ll call him…but I DO remember him. The best man Cindy ever met…and she let him go…but that’s beside the point and I’m getting off track…

We were all there on a Saturday and Tesh, Cindy’s daughter, was playing in the front lawn of the apartments. She came running upstairs crying. I think she was about 7.

I was sitting on the couch, “Slick” had just gotten out of the shower and was walking into the living room as Tesh came in… I guess the last clean towel Cindy had was a hand towel and it was wrapped around his waist.

She said “Those boys are being so mean to me!!!!!!!!!”

Yeaaaaa….Slick didn’t take that lightly.

And I LOVED seeing this shit happen…

He talked to Tesh….took her hand…walked down the stairs in his “half towel” and confronted the 5 boys…and said…

“You mess with her, and you mess with me. I will find you if you fuck with her again.”….I think he also said…”Now scatter like rats.”

And they did….

I love people that have no inhibitions and they can say fuck you….and they take up for the people that can’t say that..just...quite...yet.

I can't say it was the right way to go about it but...at that time...it worked...and it was right.

I was going to go to bed…

and decided to search for pic of my dirt filled pond and I came across this one of me and Minn in Hollywood…and no…that’s not our limo.

Well color me surprised…

And I will make this colored vague. A friend of mine called me today. I didn’t chose to answer, but eventually I called him back tonight…because I never know what to expect when I call him.

He doesn’t usually speak much…he had a rough time a few months ago…I was with him the night before he flew out for his cousin’s funeral the next day…then he disappeared, except for a few text messages and a couple of emails every now and again.

Tonight, he actually couldn’t stop talking, which is rare for him. He’s the joke master…the one liner king…but tonight…I guess he just needed to talk.

And he did for about two hours. I’ve know him for 15 years and I learned more about him tonight than in all the years I’ve known him.

That was nice…just to hear no more one liners…and him just talking about how excited he was about having his cable being set up tomorrow, how cost co doesn’t have the same selection of movies….but he still found one for his daughter that she didn’t have…and when he was gone this weekend and came back his electricity seemed to malfunction and half of his house had light and the rest didn’t…and he just didn’t seem to mind.

He’s got a good heart…and I’ve always known that…but sometimes people that have them don’t realize they do.

I had a dream this morning….

I know that people don’t like to hear other people’s dreams because they usually don’t make sense to the person that has them which in turn really bores people that are listening to them. Remember this the next time you want to tell someone a dream…no offense.

No I can’t say that this dream I had wasn’t a slight bit drug induced…just one itty bitty Valium at 4am this morning because I couldn’t sleep….anyhoo…

I dreamt...

I was in a huge mansion….everything I could ever want….my own room, no rent, no bills…a beautiful garden that when you walked to the end, this amazing trail opened up to the ocean. I thought “I need my digital camera.”

I went back to the house to get it and was told that my stipulations for staying there were:
No dogs
No computer
No camera
No TV
No movies
No artwork

But everything else was paid for free and clear.

After that….in between unconscious and consciousness I actually thought I was still there.

When I opened my bleary eyes and saw my water stained ceiling…my little fern still trying to fight its way through the window…and my dogs staring at me for food I realized something….I won’t conform.

I’ve had a few problems these last few months….but I’ve had them my whole life. I have never been rich nor do I think I ever will….but I know one thing…I will always be different….and I don’t want to change that…not for all the money in the world.

The one thing I don’t want to loose is my independence. The thought of living under someone else’s rules again makes me fucking sick to my stomach…and it’s pretty much been that way since I can remember.

There has always been someone standing over my shoulder telling me what I’ve done wrong, did wrong, or am doing wrong….hell I’ve had people tell me what I’m GOING to do wrong.

Maybe that made it worse for me….who knows…

I did realize this morning when I really woke up…I was so happy it was a dream…

I like my little quirky house with doors that don’t want to close right…light bulbs that burn out if you look at them wrong….a backyard with a pond filled in with dirt and weeds as high as me…but they have flowers on them and look pretty....

Hey but that’s just me….

Now who hid that bottle of wine in my fridge?

I was laying in bed watching “Twister” I know, quite the cheesy movie but I like it for some reason…maybe it’s a TX tornado thing….anyway…I was thinking about going to the store to go get some wine but just didn’t feel like going anywhere tonight.

I went to the fridge to find a soda…which I seem to never have but I thought maybe I might get lucky….oh yeah….I got lucky….full bottle of cold wine….now where the hell was that baby hiding?

Gave me some incentive to try and clean this place up….but it tends to become boring to me. Plus my friend M said that “Dog, The Bounty Hunter” got arrested. I just wanted to read a couple of articles about it.

Honestly, you’ve got to be kidding me….bounty hunting is illegal in Mexico…go figure….and god knows bringing a man to justice that is accused of raping 3 women is uncalled for. Sometimes the justice system blows me away….well usually it does.

I think it’s cool that people filled the court room chanting “Let our hero go!”

It kind of made me think if I had to name someone that was a hero to me who would it be…

It’s funny….when I look up the definition of hero in the dictionary….most of the descriptions of it start with “Man” or “He”….

Mine is a she….my grandmother….a woman that did for everyone but herself. I miss her, I know I’ve said that a million times here….but my family doesn’t seem to like to talk about her or my grandfather. It makes them sad.

Yes the thought that they are no longer here is sad, but remembering them everyday…to me, keeps them alive in my heart.

So if I can’t talk to anyone else that knew them, I will talk about them here.

Ok…so if my grandma was here she would tell me to get up off my ass and clean this place….

Ok…ok….I’m going…..

Ok….enough boo hooing….

Yuck…I’m disgusted with myself. Ok so sometimes I have issues….well a lot of time I do. Like I’ve said I’m the darker side of life kind of girl but you know what, a lot of my friends are going through hard times as well and I can only hope that I have been there for them like they are for me right now.

I was talking to M today about my family and what’s going on with me. I understand my family stance on how they think I’ve fucked up over the years and I’ve admitted it.

She said something to me that I’ve known all along, it’s just that no one has actually said it out loud…”Family doesn’t have to be blood”…and she is absolutely right.

I’d do anything for my friends….and I believe they would do the same for me. At this point we are all falling on rough times but at least we have each other….and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

I lose site of how lucky I am at times and I hate it when I do that. I have a place to live, my dogs, a car, money to eat, a job….and friends that I wouldn’t give up for the world.

I just get into a funk sometimes and it’s hard to crawl out.

So I apologize for being the biggest dark cloud around for the past couple of weeks.

I live in a city where there is a homeless person every 5 feet and I’m bitching why? There is no reason for me to and I have to stop and realize that I am lucky.

I can work with what the doc told me I have…I just didn’t expect it. So my last couple of days have been shock….and I’ve felt pretty alone…what I didn’t seem to see…is that I’m not.

And I think I’m pretty fucking lucky for that.

i will love this band...for fucking ever...

Learning to love life by living through loss and mistakes
Lessons learned then gradually surfacing
Letting go, stripping naked to scream
I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be
I am alive in this world of face-first falls and public breakdowns
I'm a retarded, disfigured clown
Dying to be heard for the simple art of letting this heavy wall finally fall
I'm an equal being of no race or color
A hallucination if you will
Sneaking into the lives of strangers and letting them fall apart
To a new rhythm, just to feel better

Always look at the dark side of life….

Or is that bright side?

I will bitch about this for the last time….

L.A. Pain……interesting in so many realms….

I see these directions in my future….my REALLY near future.

Was anything promising said in my results today…absolutely not….

I failed them all…..

I didn’t expect the somber face of Doc Sam…

But hey…I’m still alive….

Or am I?

I have TONS of pills….one glass of wine and a bottle….hell….I’m good to go…to hell.

I feel guilt for everything I’ve done….and for everything I haven’t….or might choose to do.

I felt bad walking through all the people in the hospital….because I don’t have cancer…

As I was sitting in front of “Mike's Liquor” drinking a Texas diet coke….I saw a guy waiting for the bus….

He had an amputated forearm. I and I feel bad why…what the fuck am I worrying about? I thought…Yeah…I sat and bawled in my car like I was…5.

Like I said…I wear the drama crown well…but today…

I checked into reality…

There is no one here but me…

Oops…I think I just put the crown back on…

Let’s see if my keyboard works…..

Oops…spilt wine on it…

I had a whole blog about how pissed I am at everyone…

But it does really boil down to me.

Do you know what it cuts down to?

I’m fucking scared of what Dr. Sam is going to say tomorrow…

And I hate to bitch about it again…and I’ve tried not to

What is it…what is the saying?

Pray for the best….
Or hope for the worst….

Heh…I think I fucked that one up as well.

But hey… you can always count on me to fuck shit up…

And why the FUCK....

won't my profile surface to the top of my blog?

Not that I really care....but it's really starting to fucking annoy me.

Have you ever had that kind of crush on someone that….

there is pretty much a 99% chance that nothing will ever come of it but there is always that 1% that something could?

I’m not talking about a star or someone famous…but I guess there is still a 1% chance that could happen as well….but just a normal average person.

I’m usually quite ballsy when it comes to this kind of situation but…either I’ve been burned so much in the last few months for voicing how I feel our maybe I’m just a little intimidated to tell this person.

Plus…I’ve been told by too many women that men don’t really like to be told that kind of thing…they like the chase and a girl voicing something like that usually kills it for the guy….guess that kind of boils down to the whole game thing again.

I know the guy knows I exist…and has said a couple of things that if I ponder enough I might convince myself he would consider something more….but women think to fucking much and I am definitely no exception.

Maybe another reason I don’t want to tell him is because it kills the daydreams. Once that turn down or the embarrassing silence comes…the daydreams are never the same….

and soon disappear all together…which I don’t want to happen…just yet…

This is one day I will never forget...

Where was I?

Sleeping on the couch…

Vance walked into the living room and said “Some major shit is going on.”

Me…”Yeah…whatever.”

He left the room and came back again 5 minutes later….

He said “Seriously India…turn the TV on.”

I turned it on just in time to see the second plane hit….and see a man jump out of a window 30 stories high.

I didn’t know any of the people that died that day, but to me they are all heroes.

Where do you go…when the….day is wrong?
And where does your heart…beat…and…who is wrong?

Why do I feel this way…why do I kneel?

How could I let it go, why do I feel?

Why do I feel?

Why?

Ahhh…

Follow me home…through the...the maze and awe...and

I’ll show you the road…that I led you the wrong way on.

Why did I go that way…why do I steal?
How could I let her go, why do I feel?

Oh why did I go that way?
And why do I steal?
How could I let her go?
Why do I feel?

Why do I feel?

Why?
Why?

Why did I go that way?
Why do I kneel?
How could I let her go?
Why do I feel?
Oh why did I go that way?

How could I steal?

Oh…
How could I
How could I
How could I

Fern me….

I love that plants can find a way to grow where ever they feel comfortable. Just like a daisy growing in between the concrete of a sidewalk…or maybe it’s because they fight their way up.

I think It’s beautiful….other people think it’s stupid.

My conversation with my sister last night affected me a little more than I thought. We did talk today and we came to the agreement to disagree. That’s cool with me. I love my Yeena….

M came over today and helped me clean my house….lots of people said they would….always for a price…they didn’t they just took what I had and walked out….

M just wanted to help me.

What I want to say is I love people that actually do what they say they will do. M did that for me today….oh and how I love her for it.

I did make a brutal mistake today….

I thought….silly me…that since he’s been semi-sober…that maybe he could handle me talking to him about how I felt about our relationship.

The funny thing is…I can’t express how I felt about situations to someone that doesn’t remember it and has no idea how it affected me.

He said…”I was fucked up and I don’t remember that so let it go.”

Maybe he has a point…but for me….words…soak into my skin….through my veins and straight to my heart…and it sits there.

People have told me that I need to change that. How?

And everyone out there might think that I’m full of shit and that I’ve bitched two nights in a row because I was leveled yet again. I can’t say you’re wrong if you think this way…

But who am I to say anything. I’m garbage…and people don’t have any problem telling me this. The mistakes I’ve made. Got it.

Jeff….you’re right. I need the mundane…but it seems I want some justification…

And it won’t come…so I do need to let it go.

GODDAMNSONOFABITCHMOTHERFUCKER….

The explaination for the picture comes later...

My favorite word that I’ve been trying not to use has suddenly reared its ugly head again…

“Why?”

I was told by my sister tonight that I don’t manage my money right. She is absolutely correct. I don’t and I admitted that. Ahhhhh….but the saga continued.

“But India….you expect us to send you money…you always complain that you are broke but you go out and buy a digital camera when you say you don’t know how you are going pay your electric bill.”

I said “You’re absolutely right. I did buy that camera and charged it to my Amex, which was due the next month, as for my DWP I will find a way…and I did. Also, did I ask you for money?”

“No” she said…..silence….

“And?” I said….

“Well, you just don’t spend your money right.”

“Yes, I know…you’re right.”

Silence….

“And?”…I said

“Well, I don’t know what to say to that.” she said.

“You’re right about everything you are saying…I admit it. I’ve never claimed any different.” I said

“India, if I won the lottery tomorrow I wouldn’t give you a million dollars because I know in a year you would piss it away.” She said

“This is where we are different…if I won the lotto, I would buy a plane ticket home and have us all sitting around the kitchen table, pull out the ticket and say so what are we going to do with it?”

Well besides sending my friends money….a hell of a lot of money….

What I’m trying to say is…
I got nailed to the cross tonight, pulled off, nailed back up….and pulled down again….doesn’t someone out there need the wood or the nails?

It would be different if I was fighting with her…I conceded…I know that I’m wrong when it comes to money and how I manage it….and I said that over and over and over…

But she wanted to say something that didn’t come across well with me….when I admit defeat…and say I’m wrong….please don’t continue to kill me….it’s not fair.

I was crucified for an hour….and I sat and listened…..

Oh but I have that breaking point….

My hands started to shake….and the out lash from her just kept going….

I said “I know, I understand what you’re saying.”

Silence…

“How many pairs of shoes do you have India?”

“Probably about 30” I said. (One thing that I think about now is about 10 of those were given to me by my mother.)

“See” she said

“See what?” I replied.

“I have 5 pair of shoes.” She said

I have to have a break here and say that I think shoes are fabulous…my ma taught me that and for any woman to have only 5 pairs of shoes is a crime….but that’s just me….ok back to the discussion.

“And how much did those shoes cost?” I said

She said “Any where from $60 to $15.”

So let’s average this out….if, let’s say 3 pairs of her shoes cost $60 bucks….that would be $180….and the other 2 cost $15….that would be $30….students…are you listening?

So…in all she has 5 pair of shoes that cost $210. Did I do the math right…I’m so bad at it.

I have 30 pairs of shoes….which on average cost me $5 bucks or less….yes they are used…BUT…I have 30 pair for $150 and she has 5 for $210.

Wow I guess my math is bad because that doesn’t make sense to me.

I do however own a pair of Colin Stuart shoes that are bright pink, and the top is covered in feathers….and I bought them for the low…low price of $4.99…..and they are probably $100 shoes.

But hey…..I’m wrong because I have 30 pairs shoes that cost less than her 5 pair…and I don’t use my money wisely. Go figure.

I talked to a friend tonight…he said that she just probably needed to get some aggression out. That’s cool…I’ve done it to people and I understand that….but I have never and would never do that to her. I look up to her…she’s my sister.

Yea, I haven’t done things right…and I haven’t said any different. Man I have fucked up. I GET IT. People seem to think I don’t.

But…

There are the 2 M&M’s that do understand me with all my faults, and tolerate me….and I love them for that.

But my sister? I guess she just had a bad day….and I’m the best punching bag around.
And if she needed to vent about how I think my family owes me something…than so be it…they don’t owe me shit...and I know this…

Do I owe them money…of course….and they have helped me A LOT…I don’t make 6 figures. I don’t own a home….I don’t have a pool….and that’s my fault…and I understand this…just don’t keep reminding me…

Now here is where I get pissed.

Me….$18,000 a year in California and I flew home for Thanksgiving and Christmas every year…for years. Hmmm…I wonder who paid for those plane tickets. Yeah my family helped but all in all…I paid for them. Because I found a way to save the money….funny….the last time I saw my family was when my grandfather died. That was a couple of years ago…My sister helped me when both my grandparents died and I had to fly home….and I say help…but not pay for all of it.

I’ve lived here for 14 years. Man this hurts to even write this shit. My brother is the only person to see 2 of the places I lived here. My mom and sister saw one….because they were visiting my brother. After my brother moved back to Texas in 94, I was expected to fly home….I sure as shit didn’t see anyone flying to me….but hey they love me right?

My mother didn’t even have my new phone number…which was changed….hmmm let’s see…4 months ago…neither did my brother….but my sister had it.

I feel bad bitching about her…cause god knows I love her….she’s the best thing since sliced bread….but sometimes she just doesn’t understand me…and sometimes I don’t understand her.

But tonight…she made me feel like garbage….or maybe that’s just how I feel about myself.

Who knows and who really fucking cares right?

We all have our shit…our baggage…

All I know is if I had money and someone needed it…I’d give it to them….hey…if they want to piss it away it’s their choice.

But for her to assume that I was asking for money in an undertone of a conversation was right. I was….without asking. I admit it….it’s hard but I admit it. I’m wrong, yet again.

One night I said “A hundred dollars to me is like $10 dollars to you.” She said “yes”.

As I’ve said before, I judge people by my standards…if you need something, I’ll do anything in my power to get it for you…I expect the same from others.

Minn….
The best envelope I ever got. $5. She just wanted me to have money in my pocket….and at that point I had none.

I guess I sound money hungry…quite the opposite. I don’t give a shit one way or the other...if I can pay rent and my bills and live…I’m pretty fucking happy.

Until…someone steps in…and just takes a baseball bat to my head and keeps hitting me.

How many times do I have to say “I’m wrong…I fucked up”

People don’t like that very much….or they just don’t listen.

and she whispered...how can you do this to me.....

I’m fucking sick of the bullshit…of everyone’s bullshit.

Everyone just thinks that they are so much smarter than everyone else….and those are the one’s that never listen. You can be fucking book smart all you want….or you can be left in a hotel room when you are 2 and live with your Aunt and have a horrible life. Then you leave….

Choose to let it go…or let it eat you away.

I LET my father crucify me and my sister for years…I had to let it go….as did she…far earlier than I did. DD’s dad beat him and his mom and sister for years….Minn lost her father at 14….the only father she knew…

If could give Minn one second to say one thing to her dad I would sell my soul.

I only wish for the father that she had.

Do I miss my father? No. Do I want to hear his “Baby, I’m so sorry I fucked up, you know I love you.” speech one more time….I might think about it at his funeral because that is the last time I will ever see him….sorry…I’ll think about it when his funeral is happening…because I won’t be there.

I have a father that…hmmmm….is….hmmmm…..can I find the word…..ok…words….not a father….or at least not mine…I don’t have a father.

Sorry....let me explain this rampage…

I tend to talk to people that I shouldn’t….and they really fucking piss me off.

Some people that have had hard lives and believe that something is owed to them or they are righteous in all their beliefs. They never see…life is what you make it.

He said “that’s a clique”…and it is…but it’s true. His name is Jim…he and his brother were left in a motel room….the mother left and the “Dad” was long gone. And to this day…he thinks all women are disposable….as does DD.

He was the one that pulled me out of the DD situation….and I appreciate that he helped me. After all was said and done…he was gone…or I pushed him away…because he was just like DD and my father….a person that could never see me.

People think I’m full of shit….that’s fine….I really don’t care….I guess…I think everyone is basically good. I have my ideas of how I think people should be…and they are definitely my ideas….but they are honest….that’s all I ask from anyone else.

It’s funny….here in bloggerland….people are actually honest.

In life…it’s rare…

Finding Neverland….

I’ve come to like this movie as sad as the ending is…

There is one part….that breaks my heart because it is how I see the world…

They walk up the stairs…..

She opens the door to her bedroom and it’s…her bedroom…

He walks into his….and it’s Neverland…

Let's compare....

Steve Irwin….I’m sad he died…and left a wife and two children behind.

I’m also sad that there was an accident a couple of years ago here with two men in a road rage fight and one of the cars in that rage flipped the guard rail and decapitated a father of two. The other two men lived.

The wife kissed her husband goodbye and he went off to work. He was just on his way to work…he didn’t live on the edge…an unknown….

He died. Was he rich enough to support his kids and wife after his death? Who knows…

The world never mourns for the unknown

Joe Barns….

This memory came when I was talking to M the other day.

On a country road, in the snow…DD, Joe, Shannon (DD’s half sister) and me.

DD was showing his life. The shacks he lived in…do I believe it’s true? Hell I don’t know, but we were all drunk and having fun…all the sudden the car went off the road. He never saw that 10 foot ditch coming…because it wasn’t part of the road. A Chevy station wagon sideways in the middle of no where Vermont. We all realized we were crushed against each other….sideways in a ditch.

I became a mountain climber to get Shannon out. DD and Joe crawled out.

As all of us looked at the leveled car…staring in amazement….

DD said “What the fuck am I going to do?”

Joe said….”I can get the car out.”

Please understand that this car was on its side.

Did Joe get it out….yup.

With all of us pushing and shoving and him telling us what exactly we had to do…

Four of us got a 2 ton car out of a ten foot ditch….in the snow

I still don’t know how.

I‘ll always had a special place in my heart for him. I believe he was mistreated from birth. He had the smarts to get us out of that jam…which makes me think he could be a rocket scientist…but I have no idea if he’s still alive today.

Actually I know his past….from DD, because that was his best friend…but I think that DD skipped over the worst…I think he told me what he thought I could handle.

Joe disappeared about 3 years ago….into oblivion.

Sitting on a park bench today I wondered….

Yeah, like I’d ever sit on a park bench. But I thought what my friend made, unfinished as it was….well…I thought it looked finished.

This may not make sense to anyone else out there but…why don’t people change? I mean they pretend to…so if they can “pretend” then why can’t they actually follow through and really change?

Fuck…this is the hardest thing to explain.

The park bench in question…was made by M.

I think if someone asked her to move her house two inches to the left…she could do it….but people come to expect it….and expect…and expect it.

Until that person can’t move anything, much less themselves…anymore.

It’s crippling to live with someone that you do for over and over again….and get slapped in the face every time you walk into your own house and realize that you are the only one trying.

It breaks my heart….because I was there.

It does get better though, actually it gets very interesting.

I’ve come to see the brighter side of life…yuck…did I just say that?

Ok let’s rephrase….I’ve come to see the darker part of a thunderstorm.

I prefer rain to sun….

Speaking of rain…

So much fun with the kids in the backyard today….water hose fight!

Today it’s IPODs, computers, video games and TV….which I don’t object to…but….a garden hose rain fall is the best.

But that turned into all of us chasing each other with the hose and making everything mud…which made it even funnier…using an old dart board as a shield from the terminator…to seeing if we could make the punching bag move just by the power of water.

All of us sitting in the sun sopping wet…laughing…then the evil one came out…

He said…“They can’t ride in my truck wet.” Me…”Oops…sorry….I’ll have them sit in the sun for a few minutes and they’ll dry off. He said " You said that a half hour ago." "I know, sorry." I said. He looked at me sideways for a second and walked back inside.

I turned to my partners in crime… and said ”See!...you got me in trouble...turn the hose back on.”

Ain’t life grand.

Well color me Red…

or redder…

I think I did a damn good job with one hand….

well…for the exception of…a few small stains on my face and on my arms…bathroom floor…bathroom mirror…sink…walls…the toilet…a couple of pictures…a bath mat that my sister sent me for Christmas which I love, may have suffered just a bit….a window…and the blinds…a yoyo sitting in the corner….and I think I might have to buy a new tooth brush tomorrow.

But all an all it went well.

Judge not, lest ye be judged…

I NEVER quote the bible…

But…

What the fuck does that mean? Well, I know what it fucking means but it doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense. In a perfect world maybe….fuck…not even in a perfect world.

Everyone judges everyone…its human nature.

I figured out something in the last few days that I’ve thought all along but not quite in a conscience manner.

I understand now why I have to constantly say…why did they do that to me or say that to me…or do that to someone else or say that to someone else.

I judge people by my own ideology.

I don’t believe that barter is an option, if you claim to be my friend. I don’t understand why someone does something for me and throws it back in my face, but claims to be my friend. I don’t understand why people have to argue with people for hours to get a point across, that is either wrong or their own personal belief…when the other person bowed down long after the conversation started. I don’t understand.

Now I do. I judge people by how I am.

I know that sounds pompous but it’s not that difficult. It’s so very simple. You need help...I’ll help. I need help…you’ll help. No questions or payback needed.

Now I know why I only have two friends. We help each other.

Now I know what barter means…and payback means…

It made me realize who the vultures are circling over the wounded.

I love it when I’m prepared….

Beautiful part of my day was I got to totally bitch slap the pharmacist that was so ugly to me the other day. I walked up to get my Valium prescription today and she knew who I was, she went and got this piece of paper with my prescription taped to it and fax stamps all over it and said “Sorry honey your doctor never called back so I can’t fill your prescription.” I knew that was coming and I whipped open a folded new crisp prescription like a detective flipping out his badge to a stunned suspect and said “Yea, I told my doctor about our last encounter and he figured there would be a problem so he wrote me a new one.” Oh how I love to stun the seemingly unstunable. She snatched it out of my hands, looked at it and then looked at me. She looked in my basket once again and all she saw was two cans of dog food, then looked at me again and said “You know you can’t drink on these medications right?” I said “Once again, this is for an MRI TODAY.” “Ok, honey, just so you know.” “Yes” I said “I know.”

For the first time in a long time I wanted to reach over the counter and grab that pretty white polyester jacket around the collar pull her right in front of my face and say “Listen bitch, if you call me honey one more time I will drag you out to the back of this store and shove all these pills down your throat and make you drink a full bottle of Jack…so shut the fuck up and give me my fucking pills…now.”

But as usual…I paid and walked away with a “Thank you.”

Funny where you find good poetry….

I came across this when I went through my 80’s memory phase. I saw it on “Night Court” one night and it took me hours of watching re-runs to get the whole thing written down. I don’t know who wrote it, I recently tried to look it up but all I got were blogs and didn’t have the patience to search through them all.

When we were young our parents told us Santa Claus was real…
then they said he wasn’t.
One book said Jesus lived…
then another said he didn’t.
We’re living in the greatest country in the world…
yet we are killing each other in the streets.
The world told us to believe in the Tooth Fairy and Easter Bunny…
yet they gave us the nuclear bomb to play with.
Hey Diddle Diddle the Cat and the Fiddle were lies like all the rest.
Astronauts killed the Man in the Moon…
and growing up took care of the rest.

I’ve always liked that poem.

I still wish I believed in Santa…that was so much fun.

I remember one year…I guess I was about six, all I wanted was a doll house for Christmas. Unbeknown to me, that year Santa was my grandfather. I don’t know how long it took him to build it but come Christmas morning…me running down the stairs and turning the corner to the living room to see that enormous house was the most amazing moment. A two story doll house with working lights….it even had stairs. The smell of the fresh sanded wood was over whelming.

That was a good Christmas…not for the fact of what I got…but for the love that was put into it.

I guess that’s what makes a Santa...