The girl at work that freaks me out….

Now I’m not saying she scares me….my half brother scares me…kind of like the illusion of the devil scares me. Nor am I saying that every now and then she does something a little freaky….the girl gives me the serious ebie geebies.

I have never encountered anyone that has made me feel this way before. It’s started relatively simple. We would pass in the hall and even though we don’t know each other would say the cordial “Hello”.

Then on day after work we were waiting for the elevator at the same time. Elevator came and we both got on. We are on one of the top floors so we stopped several times on the way down due to it being quitting time. At one point a man got on talking on his cell phone. She mumbled something about “no…cell phone” and got off the elevator. I thought she said something to the effect of “oh forgot my cell phone” and had gotten off the elevator, I thought, to go back up to our floor to get it. When the elevator made it to the lobby I got out and was surprised to see her walking in front of me. I thought “that was fast” considering our building and the shitty elevators and it’s quitting time, to go back up 5 floors and retrieve your cell and come back down and beat someone already almost out the door. I dismissed the thought and continued the trek to the parking garage. She was there waiting for the elevator. When the doors opened there was a girl already in it on her cell phone. The girl started to walk in then saw the other girl on her cell phone, did an about face and said “Cell phone, elevator, no” and proceeded to take the stairs. Now I understood why she got off the elevator in the building. Why she thinks cell phones and elevators are a bad combination is still an on going mystery. This has happened a couple of times since then, by the way.

*I had a description or her in here but I just don’t think that’s fair….so she will go un-described.*

I’m not going to bring any disgusting bathroom stories into this because it’s just….well…rude. I can say however, that in the rest room she will go into a stall and start mumbling to herself….and chuckles every few seconds. Makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Believe me that’s just the tip of the iceberg but as I said…that's it for bathrooms stories.

Don’t get me wrong I can’t say that she’s not polite to everyone but she is over in my department alot due to the conference room being right in front of my cube, talking to her co-workers. To me she has this nervous energy that makes her laugh ever few seconds and sway back and forth when she’s having a conversation with someone. Tightly wound is what I call it. This tends to make me really nervous.

After the meetings are over she will usually stay after everyone leaves and pick up things that are left behind in the conference room…mumbling and chucking to herself. I talk to myself, I laugh out loud on occasion if I remember or think of something funny. But this girl has 10 minute conversations with herself with nervous laughter intermingled.

It didn’t help that a guy I’m friends with in her department told me she went off one day in front of the whole crew and completely freaked out. He told me he can see why she freaks me out a little. He said he tends to stay away from her.

I guess she does kind of scare me....in a going postal kind of way.

Annnddddd.......

Uncle Buck is one of the funniest movies ever....I don't think I'll ever get tired of watching it....

Jimmineechristmas...I have a lot to say about absoulty nothing tonight.

Oh well....

I officially a geek….

I just saw a commercial on TV that they are airing re-runs of Buck Rogers…In the 25th Century. I really liked that show when I was a kid….no really, I did.

Beedee…beedee…beedee….Hey Buck!

Watching a movie…which brings a question to mind…

Why can’t the butterflies in your stomach stay there? Why can’t the passion in a relationship continue? Why does it have to die?

Why do things have to get so complicated? I have never understood that. I know that people always think that love should be effortless when I know it requires work but why does it have to be so difficult…just to be with someone.

Like I said why do the butterflies have to go? Maybe I’ve just been with the wrong people….or maybe it just does stop at some point.

I much prefer the fairy tail….happily ever after….

It’s lonely…without the fishes…..

I had a pang of guilt tonight about my fishies. I walked into my bedroom and it was dark. The light on the fish tank use to light it up at night. Every now and then when I go in there now even though it’s been a few weeks I notice them gone.

I know they are doing well. The people that took them send me cell phone videos of them. Mini-me is actually swimming around looking extremely happy. I know that they would have died if I would have kept them. None the less, the house it a little quieter without them and it makes me a little sad sometimes.

Ah well. I’m tired of pondering over mistakes I’ve made. It’s not worth it anymore. Well, I mean I still ponder over it just not as long as I use to. I’m getting better. Ok….kind of….well probably not but I’m trying.

I’ve always tended to beat myself up about things that I’ve said or done. I don’t know why. I do wonder what instilled it in me. I mean I’ve had it my whole life. Certain aspects of my life however made it worse I think. It gets extremely tiring to continually feel bad about something you’ve done no matter how big or small.

So…my fishes are happy and I’m pretty sure they don’t miss me at all considering the conditions they were living in here.

So I’ll let it go this time….and wish them a long happy fishie life.

*sniff….sniff* *weep….weep*

This is what I did without my TV or computer…

Took pictures…obviously…and then something amazing happened….

Yeah not that amazing…just that simple

Took….
Pen and paper.
On my backyard stairs.
I pulled out “the” pen
The one that Joe gave to me
So many years ago
I was 16
Best present I ever got
Listening to, of course, Panic at the Disco
Feeling really good in my own skin
Wind is blowing
Nice day
Should pick the last tangerines off the tree
Or maybe not
Maybe some days
Are just meant
For quiet
No doing
No effort
Just…well
Being
Just random thoughts
I’ve forgotten how good
The pen feels in my hand
The paper under my skin
I forgot how cute my dogs looked in the sun
I forgot how much little things do matter

Ahhhh…I guess we all forget sometimes

It’s nice to be reminded every now and then though.

I didn't stop to smell the roses but i did stop to take a picture...

Oh how I love my backyard...

Note to self...

The song that most sums me up

Billy Joel..."My Life"....

I’m going to bitch about this…one more time…

Then I shall hopefully let it rest forever….

Last night a friend called and wanted me to come over. I figured “what else do I have to do on a holiday weekend?” Lot of nothing….except for staring at this computer screen or the TV. Hopped into the shower, started to get ready but didn’t have such a good feeling about going. Brakes on my car are bad…I had had a couple of glasses of wine…holiday weekend…not a good idea. Saw a friend on line and decided that chatting with sj was more of what I wanted to do with my evening.

So I called my friend back and said I wasn’t coming over. He said ok and that was that. He called me 7 times after that….left 7 messages. I just don’t understand that. I never have. I’m neurotic, and I admit this freely but I’ve never left ANYONE 7 messages…as I’ve said before…leave 1 message…or maybe 2….not 7….I will call you back, when, and if I feel like it….no sooner…and no later.

And the plot just thickened….

He called again just now…left a message….with a “call me back”.

THEN…my friend T called right after. I haven’t talked to her since Saturday night. Yet again people astound me.

She said…

“Hey miss India….I got your message from the other night. I’m getting ready to get in the shower and when I get out and get dressed I’m going to call you. You better answer. So give me about an hour. Then I’m calling you. You better pick up the phone because I want to talk to you. So I’ll call you around 2. Pick up the phone…ok bye.”

Over my voicemail people are telling me what to do. Why? Is the first word that comes to mind. Why are you telling me that I have to pick up MY phone? Why are you telling me that after a couple of glasses of wine I’m still fine to drive and should come over even after I have told you no. WHY?

People….Stop….and listen….to what other people have to say. It’s not all about YOU! People have their things and moods….and just flat out don’t feel like being in your world sometimes.

I know that I’m in a different place these days and this different place is starting to make me think. Maybe I need to re-evaluate some of the friendships in my life. They are trying and tiring at points. I don’t really think that friendships should be an effort.

Again…don’t paint me into a corner. Again…don’t leave me a bazillion messages on my voicemail….

Because it makes me want to throw my fucking phone out the window….without the window being open…because when I’m as angry as I am right now…I need some glass to shatter if I’m going to trash my phone…and my window…

No I wouldn’t do it….but it’s a nice visual…the phone…then this stupid keyboard with all the stuck keys.

I’m going off now…to smell the roses…my backyard sounds nice….just away from the world….

Unplugging my phone…not throwing it through the window….

I continue to amaze myself…

…by what a dork I can be.

I think too much…about things I’ve said or done…
Read too much into things….
Hell…I don’t know….but I sure as shit know there isn’t a cure for….ummm….dorkism.

I’ve had it my whole life. I guess a person can grow up but the dork never goes away.

Why do I say the things I do? Why can’t I STOP saying the things I do?

I can’t because……I’m a fucking dork.

Ugh….
*sigh*

Now that I look back

Its quite funny, all the hints I left for myself, with him.

The hints that said...run away.

I did a painting of one heart on two separate boards….

I placed them just enough apart….to be a broken heart.

When a dream feels real….

A dream that I had this morning sparked a memory of one that I had a long time ago.

Background of the why I had the first dream….
I use to be an usherette at a convention center in Dallas when the circus came to town. Me and a girl that I use to work with would sit on our lunch break in between shows and watch the circus performers practice. We eventually got to know a lot of them. There was one person that caught my eye and me his. His name was Silvio Laskoff. He was from Bulgaria and did the teeter boards. We eventually started talking and became friends. The circus had two units a red and a blue. They would rotate from year to year so I would only see him every other year. One of the times he was in town he gave me some rose perfume. He told me he was quitting the circus to join the army and didn’t know if he would ever be back. I never saw him again.

One night several years later, after the perfume had been used up and the photos of him long packed in a box I had a dream about him.

He was kneeling beside my bed looking down at me running his hand a long my cheek. I woke up to see him standing in the middle of my room wearing the costume he use to perform in. He looked at me and said “Goodbye”. He turned around and walked out of my room.

I snapped a wake right after that. My whole room was filled with the smell of that rose perfume and I could still feel the warmth of his had on my cheek….then in a second it was gone just as mysteriously as it had come.

I had the same kind of dream this morning…

Someone that I know in a certain realm of my life had flown into town. I met him at the airport. He came off the plane and we embraced. I had the distinct feeling that moment was exactly where I was suppose to be at that second in my life. I could smell him and feel the warmth of him though my shirt.

When I woke up I could still smell him and feel his warmth. It actually made me feel a little empty to realize that it was just a dream because that place seemed to be a really nice place to be.

I guess my whole point to this post is can people actually be in the same place in the same second in time somehow that it causes these dreams? How else could these dreams happen? An extremely vivid or over active imagination? I mean we only use, what is it, 5% of our brain power? Maybe when we are asleep we are not quite so aware that we have more power than we think. Maybe I’m just putting too much into it or just wish that people could actually touch at a random moment in time.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!!!!!

I woke up still pissed off. I hate it when I get this way and I especially hate it when people can affect me this way. I’ve had enough of people taking up what mind space I actually have left.

I left her a message last night, asked if we could do her birthday lunch next weekend when I get paid and get my car fixed then I can drive to her house and take her out for lunch.

She called me back and completely disregarded my voicemail. Said that her and one of her friends were going to drive down here today and pick me up so I better be ready. No. This no longer happens in my world. Don’t paint me into a corner. I fucking hate that shit.

I’ve done shit that I didn’t want to do for a long time, for most of my life really. Yeah I have my “go fuck yourself” moments every now and then but basically you ask me to do something and I will…even if I don’t want to. I’m tired of it…sick and tired of it.

Now I have to call her back. I don’t want to but it’s her birthday and I’m going to be nice. Shit, I don’t want to do this.
_____________________________________________________________________

Ok. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. She actually understood. We talked for awhile and I told her that the messages she left me made me hurt and angry. She said she was pretending to be mad on the messages and thought I would know it was a joke. She said I should know that she would never be that way to me. I still had things that I wanted to say to her but it’s her birthday and so I will let it rest for now but I have to start speaking my mind or I will forever be trampled on.

My mind frame isn’t what it used to be. I would consider myself a little damaged these days and take things a little too serious. I was poked at for years. “Jokes” he said…jokes turned to insults…insults turned into cruelty. Even the slightest hint of someone being mean to me sends me in a tail spin.

So I actually have to start speaking...voicing if someone makes me upset…telling them instead of having it eat away at me or just sweeping it under the carpet.

It’s coming again…I can feel it. I just heard him in my head…”You are garbage.”

Don’t put words in my mouth….

I don’t like to talk disrespectful about a friend but I’ve fucking had it.

I’ve been through a lot of fucking shit over the last few years and the last fucking thing that I need is someone saying what they think I think…or am doing.

Fuck you…go fuck yourself…oh and by the way…go fuck off.

Why do people leave shit on other people’s voicemails that’s derogatory, insulting or other wise, just plain insulting?

She was the one a couple of weeks ago that left the “where are you, why don’t you call me, don’t you like me anymore” messages.

I’m so enraged that I’m not sure I can even express this correctly. I’ll take a shot.

She emailed me today at work and wanted to drive down tomorrow for lunch because it’s her birthday or I could drive there. (It’s an hour drive by the by). I emailed her back and told her the brakes are going out on my car and don’t really want to push it. Her last email she said she would come and pick me up, we would drive back to her house and she would bring me back on Sunday. That doesn’t work for me. I don’t like not having my car. I feel trapped when I depend on someone else, especially an hour away from home.

I didn’t answer the email. I was going to wait until I got home and call her.

I got home…called minnee and my other line clicked. I knew it was her and I didn’t answer. She left a message. Sweet…..

She said, “Hey India it’s T I tried to call you at work and you didn’t answer so I thought you might have gotten off early. I just have to tell you that I’m tired of your excuses. You always have an excuse for everything.” She said that statement twice in the voicemail. Excuses? Now to me that means she is calling me a liar. It’s not an excuse…come down here and drive my fucking car and then tell me the brakes aren’t metal to metal. By the way I've driven down there approx. 5 atimes in the last year and she's driven here once in 2 years...that's beside the point though. Because it shouldn't be a matter of give and take in a friendship.

I guess I’ve just been though too much. I will take constructive criticism when it’s offered or asked for. I will listen when people think that I’m in the wrong. But don’t fucking blame me for something I have not thought or have not done. That fucking puts me over the edge.

No one lives in my mind but me. Don’t blame me for something that YOU THINK I’m doing or thinking...because you simply don't know....I will not tolerate it anymore.

Down memory lane….

I called in sick today and I was sick. I think a little more mentally than physically.

It weird….the change….

It doesn’t end with the 9 years….it ends now….

I always thought I was a hideous beast (thanks dad). I actually proved myself wrong today (which is hard to do). I’m ok…not anything that a guy is going to write home about but not as bad as I thought.

I stepped in front of the camera instead of behind it. In the last 9 years I have 3 pictures of me. I have about a bazillion of everything else. I never thought I was worthy of the lens.

Which leads me to…down memory lane…..went to have the pics burned to disc. I chose to drive through the old neighbor…by my old house. Yeah it makes me sad. But it’s the past.

Me and DD lived there for our whole 9 years…don’t know why I chose to do the drive by today…maybe because it’s finally done….my last misery hurrah.

I’m really sentimental and I rarely erase or destroy anything that means a hint of something to me…however…today...there was a picture of him on my camera…..I couldn’t find the delete button fast enough.

I keep telling myself it wasn’t that bad….oh but it was…now it’s over…done….

I knew I hit it when this came on the radio….

Oh, give me the beat boys and free my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll
and drift away

In the car…windows down…sun shining…

I’m tending to find myself lost these days.

I think the world and everything in it should be one way but it’s not. The world should flow like the ocean…but of course it doesn’t

I don’t think it’s fair that people are cruel to other people. Say things to them that makes the other think twice about something that has happened when in actuality the good person has done no wrong.

Mental mind fuck is what I like to call it.

I would like to know why we have to pay for another’s state of mind or lack there of.

I think it’s a bizarre gift how some people can turn words around and make themselves righteous.

I just had to visit an old friend tonight….

Yup, I’ve come back to visit my favorite place. Just for old time sake. I was just feeling a little sentimental on the way home from work…even got a little teary-eyed. So I decided to stop in for a sec and say hello.

Ahhhhh….The “Maytag Equipped Coin Laundry”…oh how I’ve missed you!!

Yeah…like the fucking Plaque.

I was writing this via paper and pen outside in the car after I had just put my laundry in the washer.

We now have our first riveting customer. A woman, in a new Mercedes, a dress and high heels….carrying a lame’ bag to boot. I’ll repeat myself just in case anyone out there missed the Mercedes part. I have to state….WTF?? Not quite as bad as the Hummer “incident” but close.

One cute guy. He’s been looking at me through the Coin’s blurry, sweating windows. I think not. I have standards. I require a man equipped with a W/D…not one that comes to one.

I do see a happy couple, standing at the washer and leaning against it with their arms around each other. Now this is rare. It can only lead me to believe that they are…
A: Just sleeping with each other and he was nice enough to keep her company.
B: Just moved in together. I won’t see him in here much longer.
C: the washer is on spin cycle.

Lot’s of men here alone tonight. That’s very unusual. Especially the 18th streeter. For those out there that actually read these dismal Laundry stories that means he’s in the 18th street gang. I can see his tattoos. Didn’t know those guys actually did their own laundry….interesting.

One woman just parked next to me which brings up a question that I’ve often pondered. Why do people forget that they need to brush the hair on the back of their heads? I see a lot of pillow marks here and I don’t really understand it. Wash it, mousse it, spackle it…and if that doesn’t work fucking duck tape the shit. But do something. It just looks…well…wrong.

I do have an ending story in which I became 10 years old again....almost.

I put my laundry in the dryer and since I live 5 mins away went home to feed my dogs and hang out for a little while. By the time I got back the “Misery O’ Laundry” was pretty much deserted. The rolling basket that you load you clothes in from washer to dryer or dryer to car were everywhere….like abandoned cars after a nuclear bombs goes off and you are the only one walking the face of the earth. I walk in with the mission….to save my laundry….walk to the first Misery basket and grab it. All the sudden I hear a voice “Excuse me, that’s mine.” What? Huh? I had to dodge the basket forest walking in here and a woman says this to me. I reverted back to 5th grade. “UHHH…Does it have your name on it?” No, I didn’t say that. However, I did say “Oh sorry, I’ll just take one of the other empty 10!” Under my breath of course…I do hope she heard me though.

Minn told me to write down what I saw tonight and it actually made it bearable. I forgot that I do like to people watch and make up stories in my mind of what their life’s are actually like. Don’t’ get me wrong…I’m NEVER going to be happy about the Misery Coin Maytag shit but this makes it more tolerable. So with that said come to expect….

Thisishowmylaundrywent……

Coming soon to a blog near you……

That’s no Fucking mouse!

Ok…I don’t know what the hell is going on but the mouse I saw the last night could not POSSIBLY make the sounds that are going on in my kitchen. It’s starting to give me the ebe geebies. It’s happened twice tonight. It sounds like shit falling in there when my dogs and I are in the other room. No I am not DRUNK!!

I keep going in there but I can only walk so far until the scenes from Halloween and Friday the 13th start flashing through my mind! Stupid people always wanted to know what was going on in those movies and ended up getting themselves offed. “Debra????? Are you there???? I just heard a chainsaw, saw the flash of an axe and hear you screaming? Are you ok?” No bitch! She’s dead! RUN!!! Preferably the other way!

These noises happened last night just not on such a big realm. I mean it sounded like someone dropped a pan in there tonight. But I walked around the corner and there was nothing. Now my dogs are running out there every 5 mins and I don’t even hear anything now.

This is the point where I don’t know whether to shut the back door or leave it open. Is it safe to say that the dogs ran whatever was in here out the back door or is the imaginary creature still in here?

I’m giving them a pep talk. They should be the ones driving the beast out right? Work with me people but they are huddling around ME! WTF?? SIC!! KILL!!! Something!!! Go and do your…ummm….doggie job!

What if it’s a ghost? One of my friends told me that sometimes you can open a door or a window and “unhappy” sprits can….well…fly in. Shit. That would be my fucking luck at this point wouldn’t it. I’m not paying for any fucking ghost to live here that’s for damn sure…or any other thing! But I sure as shit ain’t going out there either. And I was looking forward to a good nights sleep. Yeah like that’s gonna happen.

“kill…kill...kill...ha…ha…ha…” keeps running through my mind.

Tribal Life….

I’m watching a show on TV called Tribal Life. Kind of like a National Geographic show.

Firstly, I would like to thank my mom for making me wear a bra.

Secondly, I’m glad someone invented under ware for men that it’s not made out of banana leafs.

Yeah I can’t watch this anymore. I just made French bread pizza and it’s completely killing my appetite.

Going to eat my pizza.

EEEEWWWEEEE! Ok MAJOR Freak out!!!

Ok I love all animals but come on!!!! Just when I thought they were gone the little furry ones are back. Well at least one is. I’ve been hearing noises today and at one point I thought that a bird flew in the back door. Nope. It’s a little furry field mouse. I just saw his little head poke out from around my spice rack. Yeah…I did it. I turned into the screaming woman that jumps on a chair but since I have no chairs in my kitchen I went running and screaming into the other room. I totally freaked my dogs out. I don’t really think they liked seeing me running though my house screaming like a mad woman.

The skin on my back won’t stop crawling. I keep thinking that I’m seeing things or felling like something is crawling on me. I just broke out into a sweat! I mean it’s just a really tiny little mouse right? But I don’t really like seeing little bitty eyes staring at me when I’m not expecting it! I also can’t set a trap and kill something that is that tiny and cute but I don’t want to co-exist with it either.

I have to go back into the kitchen and I don’t wanna.

I really don’t like having uninvited critters. Ok….I’m going to think of a positive side of this…..hmmmm….ummmm…..let’s see….

Hah! I got it!

It’s better to have a mouse in my house than have my ex here!!

I could possibly get good at this “look at the brighter side of life thing”.

A couple of glasses of wine later…..

Ok…I feel a little better I guess. I was just thinking about something that Minn and I use to say when we would get down and out. “At least we don’t have two heads”. We saw this special on TV one time about a girl that was born with two heads and I do mean one body with two necks and two heads. One head worked the right side of the body and the other worked the left. So when we got down about life one or the other of us would say “Well, things could be worse we could have two heads”.

I tend to always see the glass half empty. Sometimes I have to step back and look again. I always see the dark side of the cloud and rarely the silver lining. That needs to change. I just have to realize that I have a lot of things that some people don’t have and less than others.

I need to step up to the plate a little more and stop bitching and moaning all the time about stupid crap. I do need to start painting again but unfortunately, I’m not as talented as I would like to be and only rarely get the inspiration. I’m not the kind of artist that can just sit down and paint something. It comes in sporadic images.

There I go again bitching and moaning.

There is however one thing that I will continue to complain about until the end of time probably….yup…you guessed it….fucking laundry. I just love to bitch about it. Funny, today I actually forgot that I needed to do it. I have no fucking idea what I’m going to wear to work tomorrow. I guess I could go and do it now….the laundry mat doesn’t close until 10. Nah….I think that’s pushing it for me today.

Then what o what shall I do with myself this evening….what’s left of it anyway. TV is a huge bore tonight with way too many movies involving sex and love….ugh. I got “Walk the Line” but I’m pretty certain that I shouldn’t watch that tonight.

I’d like to go out to dinner….that’s what I’d like to do…but I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen either. It’s just really quiet tonight. Maybe it’s getting to me a bit. Don’t get me wrong I would rather it be quiet than the way it use to be. But it seems sometimes the quiet seeps into my bones. But I’m here with my two dogs in my house and I guess its how it should be for now.

I guess I’m just a little lonely today.

Ah well….blah, blah, blah….enough of my ramblings for now.

I Think I’ve got the Blues….

But I don’t know why. It’s overcast here but that usually makes me happy. Maybe it’s the irregular sleep patterns of last night or too much sleep all together mixed in with some pretty horrible dreams this morning most of which I can’t remember now but I just had then sense when they woke me up.

I’m a little shaky….just don’t feel quite right. My first instinct is to sleep but I know that will make it worse.

I hate it when I feel this way.

The Natural…..

I try to avoid this movie at all costs but I just happened to change to the channel it was on and I saw the tail end of it. Makes me fucking want to shoot myself in the head…”just end it now cause it isn’t getting any better” is what it screams to me...in it’s own TV land kind of way.

Where is my “one thing”? HUH? Where is it? I want to know. What am I talented at? What is my reason for living? What should I do when I grow up? Ok…I’m already grown up but that’s not the point.

Ahhh fuck. I know why I’m fucking here. The shit isn’t gonna make me rich though.

The thing that pisses me off is all I want are the simple things in life. Like a FUCKING washer and dryer in my house. Yeah….I’m bitching about laundry again….but that’s also not the point!

My point is…..FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Start again…..

My point is...why can’t I get a new and fabulous job where I’m happy? Why can’t I have a boyfriend that’s not a fucking bastard? Why can’t I have big boobs and an ass that men stare at? (Well, I could but it would require extensive surgery) And why don’t I have a fucking washer and dryer???? Huh?

Sorry…I’m having a small pity party over here…it’s so stupid….I know that people are dieing as I type….and I’m bitching about…basically nothing….nothing of importance, that is.

Jimmanneefuckingchristmas….I’m being stupid. I have so much and I’m just not being grateful for it this evening…um…morning…whatever.

I have a job. I have a home. I have a car. I have my family. I have my dogs.

So what the fuck am I bitching about?

And the phone rang….

As much as I bitch about my bed (mattress on the floor…no box springs by the way) it’s way too comfy. King size with fabulous sheets and I was so done…..for the evening, that is.

Then the phone rang….nah, it wasn’t him….thank god. I did however wonder who it was and once the ringing woke me up I couldn’t go back to sleep….a first for me. I can always sleep if I choose to. Seems my brain works better at night anyway so I got up and checked my messages.

A friend calling…she was up late…haven’t talked to her in a while so I called her back. She’s doing well. I’m happy for her.

Now I’m thinking about 20 things at once again. Is it wrong to be jealous of her when I’m happy for her at the same time? She has a new life and a great job.

Is it already Sunday?
My music is making my dogs leave the room
And I’m pissed that I missed the “I chimed in” part of a song….thanks again Mineee for telling me.

Back to the point…..sorry. What was my point? Oh yeah, I’m jealous of someone else’s life…that was my point. I guess we all are to a certain extent.

Ice cream….I want ice cream for some reason.

Crazy from the Heat!!!!!!!

It was a Slupree kind of morn. Oh how I love them. This morning’s flavors were diet Pepsi topped off with a splash of Cherry coke.

Its hot here….or so I thought. I just looked up the temp in TX and its 91. Here it’s 71. Don’t like the heat. Even 71 is hot for me. I guess that explains my gravitation towards Slurpee’s and crushed ice.

Be forewarned…I’m all over the place today….heh.

Going to shop…I’ll be back though….

20 things at once…..

With a sense of poise and rationality ….

I’ve wanted to call him. Even after the last message he left. I think that it’s the fact that I talked to him, at the least, 5 times a day for 9 years.

I do miss the person that knows me the best…..just because he knows me so well

But I'd rather go sucide by butter knife, at the throat...than see him again.

20 Thing at once you might ask?

My mind in 20 seconds......

So fucking glad it’s the weekend
I hate my life sometimes
What about my job?
Should I move?
What about the guy?
I wonder what it’s like to have a child
I wonder what it’s like to have a father
I know what it’s like to have a really cool sister
I know what it’s like to love
Don’t know hate that well…never want to
Wonder why things happen as they do
Wonder why I’d rather be cold than hot
Why do I like rain more than sun?
Why did my dogs pick me instead of me picking them?
Why do people die?
Why don’t people change?
Why does paint chip.
Why did Sid die?
Why have I done what I’ve done?
Why aren’t stop signs pink?

My mind fuck in 20 seconds.

Lovely….

There is a lot of construction going on in the building I work. Hence, construction men. I went out to smoke around 11 and when I came in and was waiting for the elevator a construction worker came in with food. He had his hands full. Him, another man and I got into an elevator. Since his hands were full he asked the other man to “swipe” him to the 3rd floor (we have security cards that only allow us to go to our companies own floors) his card didn’t work. I said I had access and swiped 3 for him. He graciously thanked me. When the elevator stopped on the 3rd floor he started to step out, but paused, turned to me and said “You look lovely today”. I said “Thank you, that’s sweet.” He walked off the elevator and the doors closed. I wanted to turn to the other man and say “Did you hear what he said???? I look lovely today!!” No, I didn’t….but I really wanted to.

That man will never know (that is, unless I see him again, because I will tell him) how special he made me feel. I actually thought after he said it, in a split second that a Playboy Bunny miraculously appeared behind me in the elevator and he was talking to her, not me. I almost felt embarrassed. And yes, I did turn around to make sure the mysterious Playmate was not there. I also thought that he hadn’t actually said what he said. Maybe he said have a lovely day or it’s a lovely day…but he didn’t…..

Every time I think about it I smile. No one (of the opposite sex that is) has said anything that kind to me, in person, in a very long time.

He said “You look lovely today”.

I Fucking hate it

When I feel this way….

Fucking son of a bitch bastard…

Oh….wait,

I chose to let it go in the last entry.

Well…ummm….*chewing on my finger*

Flash…

Him pushing me…
Me hitting the concrete.

Dope Sick Love….

I’m watching the above show, a documentary on TV. I don’t know why I watch these shows. It brings up memories of the ex and the really fucked up things that I lived with. I think that I have blocked a lot of it out. I definitely have flash backs sometimes and think “oh yeah I remember that time….that shit…that garbage.”

It’s kind of hard to watch this because it is so true to me….my life that once was. I’m still trying to deal with the realization of what really went on. Most people don’t know the half of it…..to tell you the truth there are things that no one knows but me.

It’s almost like I didn’t realize what was happening to him or to me. By the time I did it was unreal….like a bad after school special “Don’t Let This Happen to You”.

Coke and speed were his drugs of choice but he always said his favorite was beer. He once told me that he started doing drugs so he could stay up to drink more alcohol. Ha…I thought he was kidding…I thought it was a joke. It wasn’t.

I can not even describe the stench that my house turned into. I would walk in from work and smell this potpourri of shit and a rotting body. Empty beer cans everywhere, snot rags everywhere….and him looking like death after it’s died a million times.

I was cleaning out some drawers last night and found a picture of him and me. He looked really handsome. I stared at the picture for awhile and realized that he was on speed when that picture was taken. He didn’t look so attractive anymore.

A flood of memories came back. It made me wonder if I have to remember in order to forget. I’m sure there are things that should remain buried but some times it flashes so quick I can’t stop them from coming.

I guess I just have to remember and let it go. I can’t blame myself and I can’t blame him anymore.

It was what it was….no more and no less.

Welcome to Hollywood….

There are so many things that I see in Hollywood that it’s almost become the norm for me and today reminded me to do this.

I was driving to work. It’s was around 8:45 in the morning. There was a man approx.30 to 35 years old in running shorts and a wife beater and running shoes with a back pack on, he just looked like an everyday jogger. Now any normal person would think that he was out trying to loose weight or training for a marathon, maybe weights in the backpack. Uhhh…no. I was sitting at a stop light as he jogged by and he suddenly broke into pirouettes. He was singing rather loudly and taking bows at any given moment. He then started talking to someone that, well, just wasn’t there. Since this is Hollywood and I was stuck in traffic he was moving faster than I was. He continued to do this for 2 entire blocks. Spinning…twirling….stopping to talk to his ummm “friend” that no one else could see but him.

No he is not the first of the “dancing in the streets”. A couple of months ago I was, again, on my way to work and there was a woman on the corner. Just dancing away, singing, almost screaming. She was just having a grand old time. I had to yell out a “Whoo Hoo” to her. Shit she was dancing around on the street and my ass had to go to work! I’ve seen her twice since. She’s still really happy and dancing away…

I know it’s not this city that makes you want to dance….I am very positive it is the intense drug cloud that looms over this town from broken dreams and tragic lives. Some people come here and die, some stay, become homeless or leave. There are also the few that things just didn’t work out for them and they decided to choose the high life. I don’t blame um. It’s a hard road here. Why not choose to be happy at least most of the time even if it is drug induced. Hell, they looked really fucking happy to me.

When I think about all the things I’ve seen here it’s pretty amazing.

When I first moved here I went home for lunch and the police were standing outside my house with guns drawn. Someone had robbed the bar next door and they thought the guy was in our front yard. Long story

Me and a friend of mine were at a stop light and a homeless man pulled out his….um…you get it…and started peeing on my bumper.

The neighborhood that I lived in when I first moved here was a prominent gay area. We didn’t know that. We figured it out when we walked out the night we moved in and saw men in pink too-toos. We had moved into the central of the “Gay Pride Festival”. Not that I cared but the parking SUCKED.

We also helped a prostitute (cross gender, I think) that was beaten up by a client that didn’t know he was a man.

After I moved from there I went to the “burbs”. That’s when I encountered gangs. Chola gangs. I still remember one night that I was on the phone with my mom and a car came down the street shooting. Major rapid gunfire. My mom could hear it. She screamed “Hit the floor!” Heh. She’s funny.

It’s crazy everywhere and I know this. I just think that Hollywood is a little more animated. Whether it be drug use or the fact that this is a drama ridden town.

I’ve always said I didn’t want to live and die in Texas that’s why I moved here.

To tell you the honest truth, Texas is more terrifying than LA is. Closed minds are worse than open ones. One of my most traumatic experiences happened in TX. A friend of mine got stabbed at a bar and I was there. Someone grabbed my hand and said “Put pressure on it while I call the 911.” I’ve never felt another person’s blood flow over my hands. Yes he lived….for a few more years. His name was “Snake”. He was killed a few years later. I do have a fabulous “Burger King” story about him. I have to tell that one later….ok really quick, cause it’s a good one…

It had sleeted one night. He came to the bar with his girlfriend, they got really drunk and left just in time to catch Burger King before it closed. He pulled into the parking lot they went in and got their food to go. They got in the car and he put it into drive and hit the gas. He said he didn’t know if he hit the pedal so hard because he thought he was on ice or just drunk. Never the less he drove his HUGE Buick right into the kitchen of BK. He saw the bricks on his hood, the cooks standing there staring in amazment and he said “My only thought was REVERSE”. I saw the BK and his car. He was telling the truth. He got away with the shit too. They never found him.

So I guess my point of all this babble is…..just that…babble…There is good and evil everywhere we look.

But life is an adventure right?

Rebuttal….DAMNIT!!!

Ok I just bitched about my next door neighbor. Now I feel bad. Tomorrow is trash day and our trash bins are pretty large. I’m 5’5 so my bin probably comes up to chest level for me. It’s also twice me in girth. Filled you ask….fugetabouit. It’s like moving a brick wall to me. So my neighbor hears me struggling…oh sorry, cursing at the fucking thing (yes I’ve noticed that I am starting to cruse at adamant objects lately) and comes out and very sweetly asks “Do you need some help?” Me…being the person I am, says “No, I got it”….and then slip on the wet grass and almost dump the whole thing all over on him. He helped me get it rolling and then opened the gate for me.

Wait a minute…..well that’s not really being sweet. I mean him asking if I needed help was but I’m still the one that did all the work and huffed and puffed the giganta of a garbage pale out to the street.

Ok rebuttal again…

No sorry, I’m not….sorry…for bitching about him. He should have just said “step aside and I’ll do it.” Oh how I can only wish that a man would say that to me. Unfortunately, those have been the words out of my mouth for way too long.

Hey but it’s all positive now. I’ve proved to myself that I don’t need a man for anything…..well….maybe one thing…..DAMNIT!

It almost went out the window this time…..really…

Ok…that’s it. I just can’t stand being this stupid anymore and I’m not so sure it’s just me. I mean this computer – human being relationship works both ways right?

It should agree with me. It should be nice to me. Right? But nooooooo the little bastard just does as its little computer heart pleases. That wasn’t in the deal. I don’t remember signing anything to that effect. Did I? Was there a computer pre-nup that I didn’t see or maybe overlooked? No I don’t think so. I don’t see anything in the Mr. Windows XP contract. I also don’t see that I can do anything about my computer being a “little bitch” either. It’s kind of like my ex….it does what it wants when it wants to. WTF? Sometimes it just turns off...silently saying to me “woops…sorry I’m tired now…going to sleep”. I swear when I turn it back on the little piece of shit is shooting me the finger….in it’s cyber kind of way.

Tonight the tool bar just disappeared. Gone. I didn’t do anything to it. Didn’t even click on it *poof* gone. Little fucker! I know he’s just toying with me.

I mean come on…the little stinker won’t even save a bookmark for me anymore. I think it’s starting to monitor my websites. I click add to favorites and then it’s just not there. “Nope” it says…”sorry….not in the mood to save anything today….please try again later”.

I feel a little better after getting that out. The chest pains have subsided a bit. But something has to be done. I can’t continue this way. I’m serious people…this is getting….well….serious. I might have to file separation papers. I think that we need some space apart if he doesn’t get his computer shit together. Other wise I could definitely snap!

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH and my next door neighbor won’t leave me alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you call me and I don’t answer THEN I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU OR SEE YOU!!!! Is that rocket science??????? Yes I guess to him it is! He calls me and I don’t answer and then 2 seconds later he’s knocking at my door. This has happened 2 times this week….and it’s ummmm….what….Tuesday????? LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! No one can be that self involved….can they?????

Wow…I think I’m just a wee bit irritated.

Little bitch of a computer started it…..

A life in the day of a fish….

The people were really nice. They came in and said the tank wasn’t as bad as I had described. They siphoned the whole tank got the fish out and assured me they would be fine. Even said they would send me pictures to let me see how good they were doing.

The daughter even put her hand in the tank and cupped my little parrot fish who is terrified of me….damnit. I guess that sealed the deal. I knew they were going to a good home.

I know that it’s silly to have an attachment to fish but I do. They are living little things and I tried to care for them but failed miserably.

I guess it’s a good day from them to go. Fishies have a new mom. Mother’s Day.

They just called me. They have Mini-me in another tank and he is playing with every fish in the tank and the air bubbles as well, and fat bastard is just hanging out she said.

Makes me smile, my fish are happy…..cool.

They’re coming to take my fishies away…

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I can no longer put my fishies though hell. I’ve tried to maintain a 30 gallon tank and found that I just don’t understand all the underground filter thingies or why the brand new $50 top filter I bought wants to hate me and not spin the little wheelie inside. This leads to a constant trickling water sound. The sound makes everyone that comes over here have to pee almost immediately.

More importantly are Mini-Me (parrot fish) and Fat Bastard (placastumus). I don’t think they will be long for this world if I continue to disagree with the tank and all it’s ummm… stuff. So I put an ad on Craig’s List free section. I hated to do it but I know there is someone else out there that can make the tank a happy home for them….me not so much.

So tomorrow the tank goes. I found a woman and her brother that love fish and said they would take very good care of mine. I’ve never given away any pet and I feel bad. I think it’s better to let them go then let them continue to live in the “Fishy projects” only to sadly die one day of an Algae OD or a drive by spearing.

This is how my morning is….

Overcast….cool….calm….quiet….

Almost like the world decided to sleep in and I’m the only one that got up early. I woke up this morning to one of my dogs sitting a foot from my face staring at me. I wonder if she actually knows that staring at me for an extended period of time will wake me up. I’m glad she woke me up though. I didn’t want to sleep the day away today like I usually do on the weekends and also “A Prelude to a Kiss” was on TV. I like this movie. Ok….it could be considered a girly movie but it’s a weird, freaky girly movie….so it doesn’t count.

I’ve been quite the movie buff the last couple of days

Oh…”The Weather Man”….wow….completely unexpected and very strange but good strange. I like movies where you can’t guess what is going to happen next. I thought it was a comedy but it wasn’t. There were funny parts and they were really funny.

Ok movie is over and I’m gonna get things done today…no…really….I’m going to get something done today.

Just Like Heaven….

I can’t believe that I just watched that movie. Better yet, I can’t believe that I even rented it.

I’m not usually the chick flick kind of gal but I thought it might be funny. Unfortunately, I knew by the first 20 minutes what was going to happen. After that it got all sappy and shit. Plus Reese Witherspoon just pisses me off. She’s way too perfect. Watching her in any movie makes me feel like an ugly slug. Ok…lesson learned.

Next up is “The Weather Man”. Now if this one sucks I will have had a major let down in my movie watching weekend. I only have 3 and if this one is a bust the only thing I have left is “Carmen Electra’s Aerobic Striptease workout” and I’m not really in the mood to work out at 2am.

This movie looks promising….he uses the word fuck a lot and gets hit with random drinks. Hehe I just laughed out loud….funny.

A long kiss goodnight…

I just sat here and wrote 1 page (in 3 hours) of my book when I have 50 sitting behind it. I can’t read what I’ve written because I just started to forget a lot of it. It upsets me when try to shuffle though it and correct things. Several people have told me to just keep writing and sort the rest out later. Two are writers but I trust all of their opinions.

But even writing that page was painful. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going back to “tragic, tragic” land but WTF?

I guess I was beaten in the brain with a fucking invisible hammer because when I start to write about the subject at hand all I hear is him….

Worthless…worthless….worthless…..the word is so clear.

You NEVER do anything you say
You will NEVER be anything
Stop crying you FUCKING BITCH
I HATE YOU
You’re weak
You’re worthless….

I know that one page is worth more to me than the 50 following but god damnit! I had a beautiful day yesterday and the day before. Those days, I have not seen in years.

For the first time in my life I feel I can actually do something...write a book…and the one thing that I’m writing about is standing in my way. And it’s the one person that said I couldn’t or wouldn’t ever do or amount to anything.

Oh how I hate him.

I use to have day dreams a lot. Well I always did since childhood. But when I was with him they got progressively worse. It started to become a problem. I was more in my world than the real world. I mention this because I would like to share my favorite….I know this will make me feel better.

He didn’t call. I didn’t know where he was. He’s not usually like this. He will at least call and say he’s spending the night at a friend’s house. The police come to my door in the early morning. “Ms. F, your boyfriend has been found in a ditch. I’m sorry to tell you he’s dead”.

Flash to the funeral
Everyone is sorry and he was a good man.
I’m the grieving girlfriend
No one ever knew what went on
No one ever knew he was mean

It died with him.

That daydream had been put on a shelf with my collection but will be destroyed as of now.

That fucking asshole alive or dead will never stand in my way again. This is the last time.

I’ve said it time and time again, the guy had it all and he blew it. He blew it enough to make me dream about him being fucking dead. Even in my day dreams I wanted to protect him from people finding out how cruel he could be. My easy way out for letting it go on, I guess.

I think I just solved my problem. It always happens when you write enough.

All fingers are pointing me to one place, including me.
Do it India, write it
There is only one pointing me in the opposite direction
I always went where he told me to go and sure enough disaster laid in wait.

I’m not blaming him for EVERYTHING because god knows we all have our fuck ups. I’m just blaming him for the complete DICK that he was….is….and probably always will be.

But hey FUCK HIM! Tomorrow is page 2.

A Headache and an Aspirin called a Quaalude

This story can not be held against me in a court of law ok? Or can it? hmmm….

When I was in my young teens….probably 12 or 13 I was accepted into the circle of semi-cool kids. They weren’t the most popular but definitely the coolest. Me being the bushy headed fat girl in school I would have gnawed off my right arm to be a part of this “inner circle” and little known to me all I had to do was take a Quaalude, except…I didn’t know I was taking it.

C was the leader of the pack and S was second dog. Well it seems as if S’s mom was going out of town. S was supposed to stay at C’s house but girls being girls and really fucking sneaky we all told our moms that we were staying at each other’s houses.

Parent’s out there…for future reference…always call the parents of the house your daughter is staying at to make sure she’s ACTUALLY staying there that night.

Anyway, we had the condo to ourselves. 4 teen something girls. And unbeknown to me a bag of Quaaludes and an open liquor cabinet

Now I don’t know if they would have forced me to take one as the night progressed or not. Luckily for me they didn’t have to. I started getting a headache and asked for aspirin. Now when C gave me a large white pill I did question that it “didn’t look quite right”. She just said they were old and just take it and stop complaining. Not wanting to actually LOOK like the dork I was I just took it and shut up. But holly shit not for long. All of them took one and I thought does EVERYONE have a headache? Yes, I was that much of a dork.

It didn’t take long till crazy concoctions of drinks were poured that were so foul it was almost unbearable to drink….almost.

About and hour later we found ourselves in S’s mom’s lingerie drawer. We all picked out an outfit. Nothing too drastic I mean we were still young. Long, flowing lacy nightgowns….one girl in a little teddy (she was the only really thin one…bitch) and decided to make our way to the pool.

You might ask at this point….didn’t I feel strange? Didn’t I KNOW that what I took was not an aspirin? No. That is the beauty of Quaaludes. You feel extremely happy like you’re drunk (that is if you are a happy drunk….if you are a mean one, I have no idea). The thing is you don’t have the side effects of being drunk like slurred speech; tripping over non existent objects…kissing a really ugly guy and regretting it the next morning….”Who said that?????”

Oh, pool, yes…the pool. It was a really sultry Texas summer night so after everyone had their lingerie picks in order we were off tromping through the condo complex in all our glory and lingerie. It’s was about 10pm on a Friday night and the place was pumping, parties on every balcony. Thinking back now I’m pretty sure this was a singles complex.

All that was in our minds was pool….the pool. Ahhh….it was beautiful as we approached it….all shinning and new. I remember thinking the water looked really thick. I can still see it right in the middle of the whole complex. Who know how many people were watching us. I do remember walking on the stairs in the shallow end of the pool and some girls actually diving in. I remember hearing people yelling and cheering. A lot of them actually came down to the pool. We started a full blown pool party. It was fucking great, 4 tween something girls hosting a pool party in lingerie and on Quaaludes. I think a couple of my friends actually got hit on (especially the one in the teddy….bitch). That does kind of churn my stomach now but no one knew how old we were and we weren’t telling. Some of the women that came down were looking out for us I think. They knew that we were under age just not HOW under age.

Eventually the Condo Manger broke it all up. It was probably around 3am.

I remember us all crashing out on the couch in S’s condo when the sun was coming up. That night was such a trip….literally!

I have to say it was a great night. It still puts a smile on my face to this day when I think about it.

That was the only time I ever took Quaaludes…yes plural….I think during the night another one may have slipped past my lips…oops!

I don’t do drugs…never really had an interest BUT if I just stumbled across some one that had Quaaludes one day….I can’t say that I wouldn’t…ummm….have a headache.

Panic! At The Disco…Need I say more….

And by the way their video for “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” is….well…I’m speechless….

CD…need…..NOW!

You never know when crazy is going to leave a voicemail

He reared his ugly head again, morning before last and left me a voicemail at 7:30 in the morning. I kind of had a feeling it was him, didn’t bother to answer nor check to see if there was a message.

I checked it when I got home. And you know….I don’t know why I even bother to listen to them anymore.

He said he could tell in my voice that I was seeing someone.

First - I haven’t spoken to the man in 2 weeks. Huh? Are you starting to hear MY voice in YOUR head now???

Second – Who am I seeing? Please tell me? I want to know. I want to know so I can call him up and have him come over and have dinner, watch a movie….and who knows, if I really like this mystery man the sky just might be the limit!! Cause people it’s been awhile!

And of course he never lets me down with his usual closing statements….”Fine if that’s how you want it you fucking bitch….you fucking whore...then have a nice life.”

It’s amazing what a delusional mind can do when it's givin to much time, not enough attention or my guess….to many drugs or to much alcohol. I have finally come to accept this.

I have realized that I can’t change him, nor do I wish to, anymore. My time in prison is over. I have served it, lived it and almost lost my mind over it.

It’s funny after that message I went to work and was outside smoking. There is a woman that I see out there sometimes. She is always alone as I am and she smokes then goes back into the building. Well this day, she was on her cell phone. You could tell she was distressed and talking to a girlfriend. She walked down the alley out of ear shot. When I started walking back into the building she had moved up the stairs and was still on the phone but had started tearing up at this point. As I walked up the stairs she said (man this kills me) “I have changed so much and made so many sacrifices, I just can’t believe that he won’t change at all.”

You have no idea how much I wanted to stop. Grab the phone. Hang up on the girlfriend and say “Move on, it’s not worth it.” But I just kept walking. She wouldn’t have listened anyway. Her prison term is just beginning and only she can stop it.

What her conversation meant to me was she loved him more than he loved her, hence her sacrificing and him….well…not.

I think now, that you come to love and accept a person as they are. Hell, there are all kinds of shit that people don’t like about other people but you have to ask yourself if you can actually LIVE with the shit.

I saw her today. No cell phone and smoking as usual. I wondered if maybe they had worked it out. Don’t think so, different look on her face. I imagine that look will be there for some time.

People tell me I look different now. I’ve had people say that when I was with him I use to look dead. Come on people, that a little extreme don’t you think? I’m crawling out of a hole here!! But you get my point.

I do, however, wonder where this mystery man is. Hmmmm….interesting…..

Happy Birthday Mindy….Once then twice…

Mindy and I are “special” when it comes to our birthdays. Not special in the sense of “Oh it’s your special day” special…..but retarded special.

Mindy’s story…..
Mindy was adopted. (I hope you don’t mind me saying that Min but there is no other way to tell the story). She was born on May 10th which she considers her real birthday. But her family celebrated it on May 11th the day they actually got her. Now I’m not sure when she found out her REAL birthday was on the 10th. I just tried to call her and she didn’t answer. So I’m sure she will remind me. Anyway, basically she has 2 birthdays. I will call her tomorrow for what she considers HER real birthday and then call again Thursday and wish her happy "what her FAMILY thinks it’s her real birthday" birthday. Is anyone confused yet???

Well hold on to your horses cowboys cause it gets more so…..

My story….
Born July 31st…or so I thought. I however, am not adopted but after finding out what I’m about to tell you I almost wished I was, then, and only then, would have an excuse.

After I moved here to California and finally got a job they needed a copy of my birth certificate. No problem, my mom sent it to me. I opened it up and for the first time noticed that it said July 30th….not 31st. By the way my birthday had never been or believed was any other day then the 31st. I called my mom and asked what the deal was. My mother, being who she is said “It doesn’t say that.” I said “Yes mom it does”. She continued to argue with me. Finally she went and got the original. Now it’s not like I was born at 11:59PM or anything. I was born at 5:30pm. She had no explanation.

By the way when I first got my driver’s license I took my birth certificate which clearly stated 7/30 but me getting my first license I didn’t even look at it. I filled out the paperwork with, of course my birth date stating 7/31. That is still on my license to this day even though Texas DMV and California DMV have both seen it.

Mindy, however was not so lucky. They followed her adoption birth certificate and not her paperwork. Her birthday on her driver’s license has her BIRTH day on it. Not the one she celebrates.

(Jimaneefuckingchristmas...I've gone back and edited this shit 5 times!! And I KNOW the story!)

You may not think that this is a big deal but it is. Sometimes companies pay attention to what a birth certificate says and sometimes they don’t. To my job they see me as 7/31 but to my 401K investment company they see me as 7/30.

By the way anyone out there reading this that thinks there is an easy way to solve this….think again….and also keep your opinion to yourself until you are re-born and someone fucks up your birthday.

So Min and I, being the “sisters from another mother” that we are and the most retarded best friends I’ve ever seen…have 2 birthdays. One that is “ours” that we celebrate….and one the day we were actually born….or vise-versa….fuck I don’t know anymore. Whatever…our families fucked up! (I’m getting frustrated….can you TELL????)

The really stupid thing is we’re both from Texas. I always knew that state was fucked up.

I am fucking exhausted after telling that and I don’t even know if I got all the specifics right. Anyway……

I’ll say this now because I know you won’t see this until the morning.
Happy, Happy Birthday Minnnnneeeeeee!

(I almost said happy fucking birthday but I held myself back…ummm…opps)

Mr. Sandman….Bring me a Dream….

I don’t know if it’s just me, that I don’t WANT to sleep…or I just can’t. Well, to tell you the truth I haven’t tried tonight. But last night was torture. Went to bed at 12 and woke up every hour all through the night. When I would finally start to drift off I would come alive again. I was staring at the ceiling this morning when my alarm went off. Now here I sit at 1am. Maybe I’m trying to really “tucker” myself out so I won’t go through what I went through last night. Not being able to sleep is the most frustrating thing to me. I defiantly have some Excedrin PM hanging out in the cabinet calling my name but when I take it I usually fight it and end up winning. So what’s the point?

The thing is if I’m not sleeping I should be getting something done. Funny thing is I’m too tired to do anything. Wait….I did wash the dishes…cooked a steak….and took a shower. Well now I’m depressed, because that night could put anyone that reads this to sleep. Ah well. Guess I’ll crawl into bed with “John Edwards Cross Country”, he always makes me feel better about life…or death…or life….shit I am tired.

I don’t think that people understand sometimes….

It really amazes me. Now I understand that I’m pretty much don’t have a life at this point. By that I mean, I’m not really dating anyone, I don’t go out much so I’m usually accessible. People call my home or cell and I answer. Now there are times that I actually do things. I’m not here or I just don’t feel like talking to anyone. But you know what? Don’t call me 3 times and leave messages that say “well I guess you don’t want to talk to me” or “why aren’t you answering the phone are you ok?” Ummmm maybe for once I have a life? Maybe I’m busy, or yes, maybe I just don’t want to talk to you. Call me once….leave a message and I will call you back if and when I feel like it. Don’t leave me three messages and in those accuse me of something that I’m not doing and by the way HOW do you know what I’m doing anyway? That didn’t make sense but I’m not really sure how to say it. I had two separate people do this to me today. HELLO??? Isn’t it common knowledge that you call a person and say call me back and that’s it. No, I guess some people don’t.

I just don’t like being accused of something when I’m not doing anything wrong. I didn’t answer my phone because I was busy. I just wanted to scream! I DO have a life sometimes!!

I sit in amazement….

In my new room. Not like I didn’t have it before. Just rearranged. My whole house is now different. It’s crazy. I can’t even describe. Its rainbows and sunshine….ummm gross…did I just say that?

Honestly, this is so fucking cool. I’m sitting here in what use to be my bedroom which is now MY room. My artwork….my computer…My…”HELLO? Why didn’t you do this sooner” room.

I now live in a one bedroom alone…and I can use EVERY room. I had a problem with that before, due to extenuating circumstances. That being DD.

It’s funny how people affect you, that you can’t even use a room in your own house.

mine now……mine all mine……

You know what?

I like my life again.

Amazing...but true.

Hmmmm...what will become of me if I'm not so tragic?

Interesting....

Trying to save the world with my simple mind…oh... and mow the lawn

I have a serious affliction. I’m not really sure how to cure it. There is nothing a doctor can do because I think I learned it from my Mother and GOD knows there is no cure for that shit. So I’m trying to self heal. My friends are helping.

I hate admitting that I give my opinion way too often. I just need to shut the fuck up sometimes.

Anyfuckingway…..this is how my morning is going….

Stupid self realization and having to mow the GDMF lawn.

I was trying to be polite by typing GDMF, but what the hell, there is only so much self healing one person can do in a morning, right?

I have to mow the GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING LAWN.

Whew….that’s so much better…I felt stifled there for a sec.

You know what I like about blogging?
I can say what ever the fuck I want….whenever the fuck I want to.
And my computer screen doesn't talk back.

Sweet!

Things Change

Ex came over last night again, unannounced, drunk and broke. I was not in the loveliest of moods. It seems he had gone to Hollywood and went to a bar with friends and in the process lost his bus pass and all his money. He only wanted to borrow $3 dollars. Unfortunately, I had about 10 cents. I remembered a coffee can that I had hidden in the closet, from him by the way, that had change in it. I fished it out and gave it to him. He asked if he could have a glass of wine and I said yes but after he had to leave.

He said “Don’t you ever think that we are back at the same place we stared right before we met.” He said “Look at the dogs they are different but you had two with the same personalities that you had when I met you.”

“No V. I don’t think that way. Nothing is the same as it was and it will never be.”

He sat in my kitchen looking at me. He had his bag with him that he often carries with his personals and he kept searching it for the missing bus pass and his money. Over and over again, zipper after zipper was zipped and unzipped. I heard papers and metal. He would stop, mumble a few words and stop. Then the zippers would start again…..
Unzip….dig…grab…grunt
Zip….
Another pocket…unzip
Grab…yelling "motherfucker”….
Dogs running to mommy
Another pocket
Unzip…same pocket again…you just looked though that one
Zip
Him grunting then yelling “God DAMNIT”
Another pocket
Unzip…..things thrown on the floor
Zip…not in that one huh?
Over and over
Again and again.
Same pockets in that fucking bag and it was not to be found, obviously.

I realized last night that was my life. For the last 9 years. Oh I could have made that last part go on for a long time for someone, just to let them get the feeling of what I felt daily and last night, because that was a 30 min zipper session! But I sure as shit don’t want anyone to feel that.

Last night there was the most overwhelming feeling for him to leave. All I wanted was to be alone. When he left there was such a sense of relief. I know what he’s about. Unfortunately, I know that I will probably still talk to him. But things are different. The insanity that he brings, I can not, and refuse to, be around. What happened last night always happened even when he was sober. There was always something that made him miserable, angry, relentless, upset or just down right tragic.

He was constantly looking for something that he could never find and he still is.

That’s where we differ. That’s why it didn’t work. I see all that is good in the world and rarely do I see bad because I think there is good in everything. I can honestly say that there were very few times that he saw good in anything. And if he did it was trapped somewhere between fowl names and ugly sayings.

He did wake me up one morning, dragged me out of bed in my p-jays and drove me up the hill to see the most amazing rainbow I had ever seen. I was almost close enough to touch it. But I soon realized that those moments were few and far between. I actually can’t remember anymore than that one.

I still feel somewhere in me that he has a good heart but as I said, he is probably constantly looking for it and may never find it.

I think sometimes people are lost in this world and I can’t say I’m not one of them.

But some people want to be lost.

I laughed tonight...Exactly when my sister said I would

Damn Yeena….all I have to say is……you are….
My wonder
My amazement
My enlightenment
You always have been.
Always will be…….
My Sister.