No…I don’t have any human children

but...

This is one of the sweetest pictures…..

It’s my Ripley.

“Let it be”….

Now I know this is a Beatles song. But my grandmother’s grandmother said it long before it became a fucking song and my grandmother use to say it to me even when I was very young. I could never let things go and she knew it.

I miss the easiest way to do a lot of things. Instead of looking at it clear and simply I tend to blame myself. This makes me search for redemption or validation on the simplest of issues. I just can’t let it be.

Last night…I couldn’t let it go. I had to actually figure out how to download and post that video. I’m not stupid like he told me...right? I couldn’t do it. I failed. Hence the 4:30 in the morning when I knew I had to work in 41/2 hours. What do you think was the first thing that I thought when I woke up? Well…besides “FUCK I’m late.” Second thought was…”I’m so stupid.” You know it still comes around every now and again, just to say “HI”…just, for shit and giggles…he still lives in my head sometimes.

It’s the same with people. I now find the same thing happening. I can’t let it go. Yeah…call me crazy…I call myself that…so speak up if you feel the same…heh. I know that people sometimes don’t know how to express emotion….I don’t, but I try. But when people can’t, I’m the first person to press the issue. In a caring…In an annoying way. When something is wrong I want to know…even if it’s “I have things on my mind, I don’t feel like talking”. That’s cool. They spoke. He never spoke and suddendly…his face turned to stone…but I could see it starting to crack…the delusional indignant rage coming. It was always a true Hallmark moment.

I need people to “speak”. It’s not really too much to ask. I don’t think. I hate being left in the dark and I was for years. He never spoke…well, hell, he screamed…because it built up so long in him that he couldn’t have a normal conversation. So I ended up being the target for his rage. I got really good at it too.

The reason this all comes up, a friend of my came over tonight. I know…hehe…shocked aren’t you? I actually had a friend come over tonight. She is trying to deal with all of the same issues that I dealt with coming on a year now. It just made me smile that she was free to talk. You see, she has the same problem that I had. Silence isn’t golden…not in our world. Silence is death…however you perceive it.

We’ve been in the same place…tried…and standing in front of a firing squad in our own mind. WHY?

The mind has a lot of time to think or escape when you’re living with someone…but not really living.

My friend has just started this process. She has a HUGE road in front of her, but I feel her freedom…and…well…it makes me so FUCKING happy for her.

I forgot what it was like to feel that first taste of freedom. I remembered it today…again. My life has gone more to the curb…because I just didn’t let it be. She made me realize that I just haven’t let go of a lot of issues with him. I thought I was free but I’m not, and I probably never will be but I need to push more, try more than I’ve ever had to do before. I can only make it better…for ME.

My grandmother was saying move on….leave it behind.

I give up...

It’s 4:30 in the morning and if I didn’t have to go to work tomorrow I’d be up all night trying to figure this shit out. I guess my mind thinks simple. But all the ads and all the crap that’s in between me, trying to do something that I don’t understand and people trying to sell me something in the mean time tends to confuse a non tech mind.

Ah fuck…go figure.

All I wanted was to post a video…that’s it...simple right?

I give up.

Fuck it…I’m so annoyed I can’t see straight.

Gun please….

Now I usually stay quiet and calm…for a LONG fucking time. But this shit is sending me over the edge.

All I want to do is post a video from my camera that I took today. Now my camera is just an iddy biddy thing…nothing to write home about. So…why the fuck can’t I get this shit on my blog? Huh?

I’ve been working on it for 4 hours now. Yeah I guess I’m starting to feel that stupid about right now.

It’s has to be so simple I’m missing it. I’m giving myself 30 more minutes to figure it out.

Not that 4 hours was enough huh?

Who did this?

Can you tell me who did this? I need to find the individual and bring them to justice. I am completely disgusted at who ever broke into my house and thought that they could shave my dog.

You wouldn’t believe how embarrassed she was. She hid in the bathroom all day.
I just can’t believe someone would do this to an animal.

Alright…ok…so I fucked up….sue me...I tried. She just has so much fur and she was so hot. I just didn’t know if I took the little giggymathingy off it would shave her fur to the skin. There were no warnings on the box. Don’t they ALWAYS have warning AND directions on the packaging??? Hell, they have directions on fucking soup cans on how to cook it…I mean come on…. Why didn’t something on the directions tell me I would give my dog a racing stripe?

I think that definitely deserves a warning.

This is how my laundry is going….

I’m hot…I’m sweating and I’m in a real bad fucking mood right now.

My clothes are still in the dryer. I just can’t wait to go back up there in that stench filled disgusting, hot and humid Laundry mind fuck to go and get them. But I have to…alright…I’m going…fuck. (I so hot and pissed that I misspelled fuck 3 times….I must be delusional)

____________________________________________________________________________

I’m melting….I’m melting...Damn you Dorothy and your little dog too!!!!

Now that wasn’t that bad right? Getting back in my hot car with no air that had been sitting in the sun for 30 mins. Driving back up there and the place was PACKED!

They did however install new dryers that were very pretty, silver and shinny. Looked like a new car. I was impressed. I just had to use one….all new and clean…that made me happy…until the little bastard shrunk 2 of my shirts.

Then…but of course, since its trash day there is basically no parking. I had to park a block away and carry a hot bag of clothes back to the house…sweet.

Funny thing is I only did half of it tonight. The thought of carrying a comforter and bedding in this crap is…I don’t even want to think about it…I might pass out.

I swear this act should be outlawed. Ok…at least in the summer…

No…no…outlawed period.

Storms a brewing….lighting and thunder...

I took this picture outside tonight…it looks like a comic book….but it is untouched…uncensored and…weird.

But there was thunder and lighting in the background.

However, you can see stars.

I have to post this before I chop it…

Even I think the morning glories have taken over my house. If I let this continue I will be like the couple in the “Tales From the Crypt” movie. You know the one…where they are covered in sea weed.

I’ll just be covered in morning glories….heh.

A split second….

Now I know what that phrase means.

That has been my world this weekend…or someone else’s. I’m actually just sitting back and enjoying the show. I love to see how you can go from the depths of hell to the highest of high….in a split second.

Sometimes it happens to you…and sometimes you are watching it happen to someone else. Sorry…I think I’m being a bit sentimental today. But damn…I’ve got the biggest smile on my face and I just can’t believe the things that have happened this weekend.

I was so down a few days ago over basically nothing. Well, it was my own guilt. I tend to ponder the bad things in life. Thinking about what I’ve done thats wrong and just reliving it over and over again. Something so small can send me back to some of the most fucking unpleasant times in my life.

Death...that was my problem a few days ago. You see…the couple of really black posts that I did and the reason I wasn’t bringing up “honesty” was because I couldn’t be honest with myself…not even here…where no one knows who I am except for a select few.

To tell you the truth I put a lot of blame on myself for the people that have died in my life. Joe was one, but I know there was nothing that I could have done about that…I have found my peace with him.

My grandparents are quite another story. They passed 2 years apart….married for over 60 years. In the end, I wasn’t there for either. I mean I was there for the funerals but not there for them when I should have been.

I remember being at their house, I was probably about 10 we were all in the living room watching TV and something came on that made me think about them dying. I ran into the kitchen and crawled under the kitchen table. I was sobbing. My grandfather came in. He knelt down and asked why I was crying. I guess in my little brain I had just realized that people die and since they were older, I knew at that moment, I would be here when they passed away.

He asked me what was wrong…I told him “Ya’ll are going to die one day?” He said “Yes, we are, but hopefully not anytime soon”. He held out his hand and said “Come with me I have something to show you.” He took me out to the garage and opened up this box that had an amazing device it in. It was a gauge that semi predicted where fish could be. (We use to go fishing all the time). He explained it to me…it was so cool. It was one of the few times I spent alone with my grandfather. He said “Now don’t go off telling your brother and sister that I showed you this, I want it to be our secret.”

The next day we went fishing. When he pulled out that device and my brother and sister saw it they were in awe. He looked up at me a winked.

My grandmother and grandfather were two of the most amazing people in my life and I felt as if I let them down in some way. They helped me so much and I feel that I didn’t help them at all when they really needed it.

I guess that will take some time and I have to work it out. I think this weekend has brought out something in me that might help me do that.

Life is too short to be miserable. I mean God knows I can always find the dark side of life…and don’t expect all smiley faces and sunshine here because you will be tragically disappointed. But my friend showed me something.

Things can change in a split second. Things changed for her as well as me this weekend.

God dammit this weekend was great! It’s going to be hard to go back to the real world tomorrow. Because the shit that I’ve seen this weekend was like fucking Tinkerbelle and Peter Pan….hell Captain Hook didn’t even come into play. That’s amazing in my world.

Sometimes there are clouds....

But it's rare in Cali. It just happened to be a good day.

Wow…

I have never had so many laughs in one day. It’s beautiful. I was so down for the last couple of days that I couldn’t see anything good. But things have happened and people’s lives have changed in the course of 48 hours.

Life is so fucking amazing. It blows me away every second.

Just makes me have to smile.

So…yea….

I think that things happen for a reason. I’ve always believed this.

Two major things that I’ve lived through and that I’ve gained knowledge from helped someone today…or at least I think helped someone.

I don’t consider myself book smart by any means, but when it comes to life smart I think I can sometimes be sharper than the average knife.

For the first time, what I’ve lived through and what I’ve learned seems valuable. The sense that I can talk to someone who is currently living through what I lived though and be able to understand and help them is weird.

It’s funny how I started talking to this person again…at just the right time.

Is it divine intervention? Maybe.

All I know is that I’m glad I was here to help and to hear the excitement of a person that is going to start their life over again.

It’s really strange…

How you can be with someone for years and you see them again and nothing from the first time you met exists.

He showed up again, unannounced as usual but my front door was open and he knew I was here.

I know what he’s done to me. Maybe it’s fear that I don’t turn him away or maybe it’s faith. I wish that the words that come out of his mouth were truth but they seldom are.

I can only hope that what he says he wants to do, he will follow through on, but I’ve heard all the speeches before. Just like the one I heard tonight.

“I’m sorry, for everything I’ve done. I know I fucked up. I’m trying to get my shit together and I’m back in AA. I’m only fucking up every two or three weeks now…it’s not like it use to be.”

Oh how many times have I’ve heard this…it’s become boring…he seemed good, but…it’s him, nothing is ever good and of course I was right…I lived with the asshole for years.

He changed…in a matter of 5 minutes. I can always see it in his face, it turns to stone. He tries to suppress offending me (which I can say is REALLY hard to do) but it can only last so long. He started…calling people on TV faggots and gay and starting in on calling me and my friend flaky.

I told him once. “DD stop, I don’t want to hear it.” He stopped and then started again…”But you and your friends, it’s just so stupid…” He was going to say something else but I cut him off. “For the second time, stop it. I don’t want to get into this.” He said ok, with that fucking smirk on his face, that said, in his mind he was right. That’s fucking fine with me. Just get the fuck out of my house.

I have no tolerance left for him. Why he thinks that he can come here and be a dick, I do not understand, but there are people in this world that think they can. That’s cool…just stay the fuck away from me.

He use to always say…”You fucking cunt, I’m not the looser…you are.”

Well…times are a changing.

Fuck you DD.

Poor me…poor me…

Pour me another shot of whiskey…

I know…stop drowning my sorrows right? Fuck that. I had a couple of conversations tonight that made me as happy as I could possibly be today. Talked things out…realized what I’ve done wrong and that other people have done them too. I hung up the phone and that feeling comes back. The sinking twisted tornado that is swirling in my gut…like the fucking black plaque.

I can’t say I’m honest…I don’t think that I’ve ever claimed to be. Truthful maybe…no one is honest….sorry…I have to go here…let’s see what Webster says….

hon•est P Pronunciation Key ( n st)
adj.
1. Marked by or displaying integrity; upright: an honest lawyer.
2. Not deceptive or fraudulent; genuine: honest weight.
3. Equitable; fair: honest wages for an honest day's work.
4.
a. Characterized by truth; not false: honest reporting.
b. Sincere; frank: an honest critique.
5.
a. Of good repute; respectable.
b. Without affectation; plain: honest folk.
6. Virtuous; chaste.

Me…let’s compare…

1) I’m not a lawyer.
2) My honest weight…120 to 125 on any given day
3) Honest wages for an honest day’s work? Hmmm…honestly?..At least I have a job. That’s good enough for me at this point. I kind of like it too.
4)
a. Honest reporting? That’s a lie.
b. Honest critique? That’s a lie.
5)
a. Yes…well and no. heh.
b. What’s wrong with honest folk? I’m from Texas dammit!
6) I plead the 5th.

Ok…so I had a hard night and a hard day….bummer. I could launch some ships over the shit that has happened. What’s the fucking point? There is none.

To be HONEST…I will tell you the truth.

Last night I walked into a situation that I didn’t know I was walking into.

I went over for a fucking BBQ. I didn’t know it would be a death march.

I didn’t know he lost someone….until I got there. I won’t say anything further than that about his situation.

I’ve been through a lot of death. I don’t deal with it well….none of us do. But for me? I have no fucking idea what to say…when someone says…passed away…passed…died....whatever. When people have died in my life I just want to be left alone. Don’t touch me…don’t look at me…what I am going through is mine…you can’t even begin to imagine what I’m going through…leave me alone. Other people are different. Everyone handles death differently. I understand this. But without knowing it, in his pain, he brought to the surface, mine.

It brought out a lot of anguish of what I’ve been through the last few years. Self doubt that I didn’t handle the situation correctly. I didn’t…and I’m sure I didn’t. But I blamed myself for that. I tried to be there for him. I don’t know if it helped. I’m pretty sure I didn’t…but I tried….

I…just didn’t know what to say…and again...I'm at a loss for words.

Everything just hit all at once I guess.

Blindsided

I never asked for a normal life….

Well, I did, when I was about 10. I asked my mom why she didn’t name me Jennifer. I think your name defines who you are. With a name like India…why am I always surprised I am the way I am.

I’ve been thinking since last night…way into the night….I was up until about 6. Not because I couldn’t sleep but because I didn’t want to.

Do you ever have a lump so big in your throat that you can’t swallow it but you can’t scream it out either? This is where I am.

After much thought…and a lot of tears…I’ve come to find that my last post is bullshit.

There is a fine line between drama and caring….I always thought I was caring…now I’m not so sure.

Why do I do the things I do….why do I follow the people I follow? Is it because I care about them…or I just simply need something to talk about. Is my life that hollow that I need to fill it with something?

Oh poor India….she didn’t have a father figure…who gives a shit…right? People are beaten to death…stabbed for nothing…children are starving…the world is falling apart as I type.

And I didn’t have a Dad….fucking tuff shit…buck it up sister.

DD….well who’s fault was that? That would be mine. I could have just walked away….but didn’t. Yeah I have stories that I haven’t told here. I’ll give you an example. This is the story that finally made me break it off…this was the ending.

Someone gave the lunatic a fucking machete on a moving job.

Just for the record…never give anyone a knife…because sometimes you just don’t know who you’re giving it to.

He brought it home and was very proud of it, I in turn, was terrified. I saw visions of me being…well…beheaded. And if you think I’m fucking kidding about this shit…think again.

So the games began…“Hide the machete”…as I fondly remember calling it. I’m the one hiding it….and he’s the one trying to find it in a drunken coke over. He found it almost every time….after ripping me to shreds and ripping the house apart…he would find it or I would give it back to him. The final straw for me, the last time I relented and gave it back was when he sat on the edge of the bed flicking it with his finger…so it made this very quiet, very disturbing, tink….tink….tink. I finally…FINALLY realized at that point exactly what I was dealing with…someone that could end my life, and more than likely would...in one way or another.

He passed out soon after that. I took the machete next door to my neighbor’s house (who is a friend) and said “Please get rid of this”. That thing is now in oblivion. You know something funny? The last time DD was here which was a few months back…he was still looking for it.

Why did I tell this story you might ask, to decide if I am caring or dramatic. Would you care about someone that fucked up? Most people wouldn’t. So the question still looms…did I go though 9 years to have stories to tell….or was I just that fucking stupid?

This has been an ongoing trend for me….since he left. I’ve encountered a lot of people that take what they want from me and simply walk away. I’m left standing, with my arms out, and wanting to scream…”What did I do?”…but I’m silent.

See…I don’t like to cause problems…make any waves…I want people to like me….but they seldom do. Maybe that’s why I only have 3 friends. They are the only ones that can withstand my bullshit.

I have made my life what it is…I know this and I’m not denying any of it. But why did I have to make such a Fucking mess of it.

Because my name is India...maybe…who fucking knows, right?

I think I’m caring to a point that is sometimes over the edge of reality….I think I’m dramatic to a point that I want to tell everyone else in the world these stories (surprised I blog?). I guess I’m standing on that fine line.

So I guess that answers my question. I’m just walking that fine line.

I can tell you one thing though…if there’s a bully within a 1 block radius of me…I will sure as shit find them…or they will find me.

I’ve always been leveled by people…I don’t understand them. Hell, I don’t even understand myself but I know one thing. I would give you the shirt off my back any day of the week.

BUT….if you keep asking me to do it….I might grow tired….and the only one that’s hurt in the end…is me.

And I just keep doing it to myself.

You don’t know sometimes…

Sometimes people just don’t talk….I guess it’s just in their spirit. A friend of mine lost someone close to him. He was printing out pictures for the family. He’s going to her memorial….

Wake up people…me included. We are here….STILL here.

Make the best of what you have…and if you have life…your ahead of the game.

It was a beautiful sunrise….I have to admit

At least I have that much to say about this morning. I’ve said this here before….I don’t see 6 am unless I stay up until 6 am…but lately it’s been different.

I went to bed (or tried) last night relatively early. Then got back up (which I NEVER do) because I couldn’t sleep and got back on the computer, bitched here, then decided to give sleep another shot. I fell asleep somewhere around 2. Woke up at 4:30 and then again to see the sun rise. It was pretty cool. Lying in my bed, staring out the window I could see the color of the sky turn from dark…to red...to orange…to morning. My alarm went off about an hour later. I’m tired but not as bad as yesterday.

I haven’t seen the sun light up the sky like that in awhile…it was worth it…

But i hope it doesn't happen for a while…oh shit….did I just curse myself?

Why do I suddenly see the alarm clock from the movie “Groundhog day?”

Yeah sleep isn’t coming as easy as I had hoped…..

I had a feeling it wouldn’t…maybe that’s why….I sabotaged myself and if they keep showing the trailer of “The Exorcism of Emily Rose” on one of my cable channels I may never sleep again. Just the trailer scares the begezzies out of me. I can watch Halloween and Friday the 13th movies till the cows come home but the devil movies….no way. I’m probably the only person my age that has never seen “The Exorcist” and never will.

At least “Sid and Nancy” is on I’ve always liked this movie. A lot of fond memories wrapped around it. Maybe I can fall asleep to this.

Today was painful…

I think that after this weekend it made for a bad Monday. This weekend was definitely an emotional roller coaster. It’s just a cold reality that after my relationship with DD I basically have no friends. I lost some of them due to him and now have only a few that stuck threw it with me. Basically I have three friends. I know it’s not quantity that counts its quality right?

I’ve never had a lot of friends….that’s tuff to admit but it’s the truth. For the most part of my early life my sister was my best friend but when boys started coming into the picture things changed. Nothing bad in that we all know once you start dating someone friends tend to step to the sideline or you put them there. I do have to say she was pretty great about it. She would let me hang out with her and her boyfriends. Not a lot of people can say that about their siblings.

As you can guess I wasn’t very popular in school. Overweight, frizzy haired girl that was pretty much a geek. I mean come on….how many people do you know that went to the Sr. Prom with a guy that was gay (not know to anyone at the time). I was crushed when he wouldn’t even kiss me that night. I guess I was the safest bet for him at the time. We dated for two months and right after the prom he broke up with me. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't have minded going the prom with someone that was gay, I just wish I would have known that he was, espically after dating hime for two months. He saw my best friend a few years later at a bar and he told her that he always knew he was gay and that he did truly like me and was sorry he hurt me. He never intended to. Sorry got side tracked on that story....back to the point.

When I was in the club scene in the 80’s I had a lot of acquaintances but not true friends, just a couple of girls that I hung out with and eventually moved here with one of them. We still talk every now and then but we don’t really hang out anymore.

Along came S and we dated for 3 years. After we split I was in the same boat I am now. I had a good friend for a year or so that I use to work with but she eventually ended up moving back home to Detroit. She was the one that introduced me to DD. Minn and I started working to together after the other girl moved home and that was about it. Oh and T she worked there too. We hung out a lot together….drinks after work. Minn of course moved home and T lives about an hour away from me. There’s also M who bought me the tickets to the concert but her life is pretty hectic so I don’t see her much.

So that makes three. Like I said, I know it’s not the quantity but the quality.

I just felt pathetic that I couldn’t find anyone to go with me on Saturday night and it was no one’s fault but my own.

So, I sat here yesterday and drowned my sorrows. It didn’t help much just made me a little brighter for a few hours and made today horrible. Just made me feel worse about the situation that I’ve put myself in.

Now that's crazy....

I can only wish that I could think of shit like this.

When I was 4 or 5….

At a dance competition that he was in…I danced with my father…my feet on the top of his. I think a waltz was playing…

“You know I love you baby…don’t you?” he said.

I’m going to say this once and only once….

Why I feel the need to say it at all…I don’t know.

I apologize now for anything that I’ve said here or will say here.

With that said, if you don’t like what I write then change the channel.

I started writing this blog for a reason. It was never intended to be sunshine and roses. It was to get over a mental mind fuck. Which I think I’ve done brilliantly...thank you very much.

I came here to speak my mind. And I know sometimes things spew out of me like poison…hence the apology.

Like I said…I do this for a reason. If you don’t like then….

I’ll just leave the rest of that sentence up to your imagination.

Spark….Spark…..Fire!

We have places to go today and villages to pillage.

In other words….I have a lawn to mow and dogs to bathe.

Yes the first of this post was dramatic….but you’ve never given my dog Rip a bath before have you? I think I'm the one that's going to be pillaged.

I’ve thought about it….

The other day…and then just a few minutes ago. It would make things so much more…simple.

But I keep getting up. Moving and shaking right?

On the verge of hysteria…without being hysterical.
small and quiet…
meek and withered...
Not really right for this world.
But not ready for another one.
I’m caught in between it seems
with no where to go…

So…Concert…Tonight…and?

It’s looking like Cinderella might be going to the ball….well….solo, it doesn’t surprise me…not at all. I honestly don’t want to go by myself.

Like I said though…I’m not surprised.

I’ve started thinking about things…

Goodness knows I’ve had three days trapped in this house and with a couple of nights that I couldn’t sleep so I might seem insane at this point. Plus it’s really fucking hot here. Crazy from the heat….that’s my defense Judge.

I just started thinking about my life. Hell, it’s funny. I have always thought that I was just this middle class white girl that never lived though anything.

But I have…I just never thought about it so much until I started writing this blog. The stories seem like fiction to me because I can’t actually believe that I’ve done, lived through and seen the things that I have. As sure as shit it isn’t fiction.

I was watching a cheesy movie today…yeah I guess I do like them in some form because I always write that I hate them.

Today’s was Shall We Dance? I love ballroom dancing….or did. I was raised with it or semi raised with it. The movie made me want to take lessons again.

Frank…*clear throat* aka…my father was a ballroom dance instructor….still is I think …somewhere in Oklahoma. Even after his stroke, I think he can still dance. Not sure though, haven’t talked to him in a couple of years.

Wow that came out due to the ever impending holiday this Sunday. Oh how I don’t know what this day means…. Father’s Day….never have.

I don’t have a father. And I think the fact that he’s still alive is worse than anything else. I will never speak the word Dad again. (sorry Minn no disrespect)

People are out buying cards and presents and I…well…don’t want to go there again. I tried. I only give up myself a few million times before I know…It’s done.

All I wanted was for him to like me…not even love me…just like me.

He just never did…and he never will.

But hey…we all have our faults…right?

Damn Father's Day commercials!

I shit you not…this happened today…

Went into work to check my email and voicemail just to make sure nothing was pressing and then left because I’m still a little sickly.

On the way home I pulled up behind a truck at a stop light. Huge silver mirrored truck. On the top right corner of the back was a huge “Please Drive Safely”. Then embossed on the lower left corner was “Batesville Casket Company.” First off, the company name…no need to explain why that’s odd. Second…wouldn’t the company want you to NOT drive safely? Actually it was the driver of the truck that wasn’t driving safely.

Yes that’s right campers…I almost got run off the road by a casket truck. The last thing that would have flashed before my eyes, before my demise, would have been the company logo on the side of the truck. “Committed to the Dignity of Life.”

Not quite ready for the six feet under yet...but thanks anyway Norman.

Well it looks like Saturday is on…

I got a Birthday card from my friend MG. It’s about a month and ½ early because of course they are in town now not July, but it had the INXS tickets in it. I tried to call her but she was asleep. The card had two tickets in it. I hope she’s going with me. Otherwise I’ll be going solo with one wasted ticket.

I haven’t been to a concert in years. The last one I went to was Cinderella with Minn. Now that was a freaky night. The concert was great but man did that night end badly. You can only guess who was there with us. That’s a whole other piece of shit ending to a night that I don’t want to get into or think about.

So yeah…it looks like I’m actually going to a concert…with a girlfriend on Saturday night. Who would have thunk it. Little ol’ India getting all dressed up to go out.

I’m looking at the tickets….I’m kind of excited about it now.

*singing* I get to see a concert….I get to see a concert….

Not to rub it in….I just haven’t been out in a while.

Wow I am a dork.

Not so lucky....

Yeah…that’s right, got myself a little ticket. Ah well…money well spent to be able to sleep. But at least when I went to the store I got the original spot back. So now it’s all good. I’m parked on Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday right? Shit I hope so.

I think I might still be alive…

Not to keep harping on it but I’m actually starting to feel a bit better. Now it looks like I have to go to the store. Yea…don’t really want to do that especially since I’m pretty sure I have a $40 dollar ticket on my car. I tried to get up this morning to move it but just couldn’t seem to do it. I think it was worth the money not to have to get up and park it 2 blocks away. So I just let it sit where it was. Maybe the Parking Enforcement person was sick too and didn’t happen down my street this morning. I doubt it though. Oh well.

Just finished watching the movie “Elf”, I know silly movie but I love it when channels show Christmas movies in the middle of summer. I can loose myself in them and for and hour or so and I imagine that it’s Xmas in the middle of June. Yes, I’m quite aware of the fact that I’m a dork no need to remind me.

Well…I guess I’m off to the store. Cross your fingers for me that I don’t have a ticket on my car.

I might have a small situation…..

I think my computer feels as shitty as I do….seriously. I think it’s going for the melt down and I might go with it.

I’ve tried to join Flikr again tonight...and well….Ol’ Betsy here…just didn’t really appreciate me trying to do that…kept shutting me down. Wow, this is the first time that I’ve named something female…..maybe cause she’s a BITCH. I’ll probably be shut down for sure after that statement because we all know how women can be. Damn, I just slammed my own gender…but even I have to admit it’s true.

I hate it when I don’t understand things. The process was very simple and I don’t consider myself stupid but… man oh man…Betsy was having none of it. I did have to ask myself “Is it the user or the computer?” Just after I asked myself that I got the blue screen of death…recovering from a serious error.

Yea, not so much the user.

And by the way…I am feeling none to lovely. I woke up after sleeping for 4 hours, and after not really sleeping the night before and being sick…ah shit, I just realized that my car is parked on the wrong side of the street. Fucking street cleaning, it doesn’t really work just makes the street wet and kicks the dirt around.

Have you ever felt so shitty that you CAN’T sleep? That’s where I am right now.

Jimmineefuckingchristmas…

Halls…yuck…

“Menthol…cough suppressant/oral anesthetic”….

Oh how it looks pleasing on the package.

No…I’m not that fucking sick...because that shit if fucking disgusting.

I’m sick…and I can’t sleep…and of all things…

I want to go and do laundry….where the hell did that come from?

I must be delusional ….

I have to check my temperature.

By the way…

The last picture of my artwork I posted is called “Flying Frogs”. If You look really close…it’s a tree…with the frogs jumping off into a pond.

ah...just thought I'd mention that.

I hate it when people come into work sick….

Because now I am…two people just had to come in sick Monday and yesterday…yea….thanks…now I’m at home….sick. People at work wonder why I call in sick when they can come in work for awhile and leave. Hmph? Maybe because I don’t want to give a cold to someone…LIKE ME!

So I get to sit at home and watch some crappy movies like Miss Congeniality 2.

Thanks.

Wow…this is a really bad movie…but I’m still watching it….kind of like a train wreck…you just have to….

One more..

Well…I’m going to post some of my artwork….

I’m not sure why…just because I feel like it.

Wow I’m being a real Leo right now…

“HEY! Getaload of me!”

But well…I guess that’s what I’m doing. But give me a break I’ve had a hard day.

These are old. The Marilyn is from a famous artist that I copied when I was 15. I loved it because it was beautiful and that I could actually copy it at that point.

The other…well, he’s just from my mind. I’m amazed I did that one and amazed I still have it hanging. His eyes follow me. It kind of scares me a little sometimes because I have no idea where he came from.

Anyway, I’ve talked about my art…hmmm…I think…well if I haven’t, I will tell you that, in my mind, I’m a self proclaimed artist. I’m not that inspired anymore but this camera has, inspired me to say the least….taking pictures of my art makes me want to paint again. Damn, that was a good decision to buy that camera. I finally did something right.

Anyway…here they are.

I knew it was going to happen…

I had the feeling last night that I wouldn’t be able to sleep…maybe that was my demise. I stepped away from the computer relatively early for me. Climbed into bed and turned the TV on. It didn’t take long till I was out however, an hour later, I was up. I laid there and tried to sleep and then finally I felt it coming. I think I dozed for about 15 mins and then Rip freaked out and ran to the window started barking which got Sach up and out of control. My first initial fear we all know. But I think it was just a skunk…two in the same. Anyway, after that it was all down hill. You know it’s bad when you are looking at your alarm clock when it goes of…that little bastard oh how I hate it. Little red number eyes….staring at me…laughing…”BEEP…BEEP…BEEP.” It will die a slow death one day…guaranteed.

Work was again…painful…but when isn’t it sometimes. I came home for lunch just to talk a quick cat nap…or dog nap as I call in my world. The girls were tired too by the way so we all passed out. Felt a little bit better after that.

On the way home from work I had…ummm…I call it this feeling. It’s kind of bizarre to me and I don’t know if I’ve talked about it before. I don’t think so because it’s difficult to describe.

It’s an overwhelming sense of …this is only the beginning even after my life is over that it is only the beginning of something. Damn I wish I could figure out what it is but the feeling only last for a couple of seconds.

Yea, yea…I know I was tired but it’s happened before. I have known a couple of people that have felt the same feeling…and NO…none of them are in an insane asylum.

I know I’m tired but I’m not crazy…

I think that we all know there is something else out there, whatever we choose to believe.

For some reason, for the first time, I think I choose to say nothing more about this.

Maybe because I just can’t explain it or maybe I’m just to fucking tired.

Mondays…Ugh….

Work today was painful to say the least. I need to learn that I need to go to bed before 2am on school nights. Stupid computer.

I was going to sit down tonight and read though the manual for my new camera and now I can’t find the damn thing. I’ve been looking for it for 30 minutes. Where the hell did I put it? It’s not like I live in a huge house. There can only be so many places it could be. Oh I hate it when I do this. I’m usually pretty good about putting things in certain places so I can find them because goodness knows my memory isn’t what it use to be. But this really drives me coo coo when I can’t find something. Ok I’m rambling about loosing something which is almost as irritating as misplacing it.

I would love to have a piece of chocolate cake right now….ohhh….or one of those orange Hostess cup cakes…those are my favorites.

I think I need sleep more than a cup cake.

Wow…I’m really interesting this evening.

Nothing is really that tragic…

I mean things are tragic…don’t get me wrong but if we are still here then it ain’t so fucking tragic…right?

Believe me I’m all about the tragic….look at how my weekend went. At this point I should be putting a flare gun to my head. I still want to fire one of those suckers…not at my head though.

I have learned to find the silver lining. Stunned?

Uh huh…little tragic India has found the fucking silver lining.

It came in the form of …music…new camera….ummm….*clear throat* being stood up.

When you look at the big picture…it isn’t so tuff. I mean it’s tuff for a lot of people, which proves my point even more. What the fuck am I bitching about?

I have a home…a job….not a washer and dryer….but I’ll sllliiide by that one…I have my family…my dogs…food, clothing, water. It breaks down very simply sometimes when you think about it.

If you got family and people that love you…then what else matters?

Nothing actually…

oh how I love this camera...

This can’t be good….

I have to say that I love this camera more than I can express over the internet. With that said...

My landlord has been telling me for months that I need to get rid of my Morning Glory plant that has literally taken over my house. I have refused and made him look at how beautiful they are. It is but I just noticed something.

Lets see if I can get the downloads of the pictures to work.

It invadedded my kitchen that's the first picture.

Morning glory and Woody need to start paying rent!

That was kind of cool...I'm actually starting to find out how to use this camera. Except for the fact that I meant the pictures to be reversed. Oh well. Pretty good for a first try I think.

But what the hell am I going to do about the morning glories?

I forgot what it’s like to wake up and feel like STUPID is tattooed across my forehead.

But I guess this too shall pass. I don’t have much of a self esteem and what little I had left was all but burned at the cross last night. Honestly, I don’t even know why I try. Now I understand why I live my life in front of my computer, it’s much easier this way.

I refuse to be shit all over again. At this point I just don’t think my mind could handle it, well obviously it can’t…heh. If I’m leveled by being stood up then….gawd….I can’t even believe that I posted that I was stood up and I’m still writing about it. How embarrassing is that?

Ok…I feel a little better after just writing that.

Let’s look at the silver lining.

Ummm….

I will eat steak for days….you can never bitch about that.

I have a bottle of red wine, maybe I’ll learn to like it….I doubt it…but I’ll try.

I just need to learn that the world isn’t perfect. Not everyone feels the way I do. To me life is just a big fairy tale. I think things should be easy….effortless. It’s not…and I know this.

Off to cook some steak…maybe have a glass of red wine. Anyone want to join me? If you say yes you have to come. I don’t think I can handle being stood up twice in one weekend.

Music is always the best medicine…

Got a random CD from work.

Where the fuck did these guys come from…

Wolfmother….

Very impressed.

Why am I not surprised…after how my day went

This is hard for me to admit…but I’m going to tell it anyway.

I just got stood up. I don’t know how this post is going to come out so bear with me.

He called me and asked if I wanted to come over. Sure...why not. I was just sitting here being obsessed with my DSL and phone. He said we would BBQ and could I stop by the store and get some steaks and red wine. I didn’t have a problem with that at all. Stop by the store, drop $30 bucks and drive 30 minutes one way to be stood up.

Sorry, I haven’t explained “him”. He’s a guy, that I’ve know for about 15 years. We knew each other in Texas and then we both separately moved here. Lost touch and then just recently came back into contact again.

I have to admit…I liked him….until now. I realized driving home that I might as well have gone to see DD. At least he would have been there for the good ol’ verbal abuse. But DD did make an appearance in my head on the way home…all I heard was his voice and all the names he use to call me for 30 fucking minutes.

You know what…FUCK DD. The fact is…I will do pretty much anything for anyone. I guess I just don’t understand why other people aren’t the same way.

Tonight was bad…really bad. I’ve been beaten down enough….I sure as shit didn’t need this.

Fuck….

Okeedokee…

Didn’t have to go back to the ol’Radio Shack…I found out that I was retarded all by myself…thank goodness. Didn’t have the casing on the battery clicked enough I guess. The damn thing just came on when I ….ummm….hit it against my hand a couple of times. Camera’s are sensitive…yes I know…but give me a break! I’ve had a hard day!

This thing is the most amazing camera I’ve ever seen! Now I know why they don’t sell cards for my old camera anymore….it’s a dinosaur, or as big as one compared to this one I just bought. Not saying that smaller is better but…heh….sorry dirty thought there…

India….camera…focus…

It has this silver zoom lens that shoots out when I turn it on…….

Ummm…damn…I can’t continue after that last statement. I am laughing too hard……

It just can’t be this hard….

I mean…come on. I’m exhausted. I went to Radio Shack and told the guy that I needed a filter for my internet. He got it for me but I didn’t check it. I’m so computer stupid that I was sure he knew what I needed. Got home and of course…wrong filter.

By the way I intend to NEVER use the word filter again….ever….after this post.

When I saw the filter….I just had to laugh, only me and only on this day. But I was driven to make my phone and DSL work. So I got back in my car and went back. Showed the guy what I was sold and then showed him the one that was in the “bad batch” and he said “Oh we don’t sell those. But we have an adapter for the one you already purchased to make it work.” Me, “Ok sure.” I paid $16.99 for the first fucking filter and had to pay an additional $6.99 for the adapter.

Does it work? Now what the fuck do you think? Of course it doesn’t.

But you know what? I’ve spent all of my Saturday on this crap and I just can’t think about it anymore. I had to make a choice…my phone or my DSL. You can already see which one I chose.

I think the purchase that I made beside the DSL thing made it a little easier. I had my camera with me and wanted to get another smart card with more memory. Ummm….it was too old and they didn’t sell them anymore. I just happened to be standing in front of the display case with the cameras in it

Uh huh…I did it. I’m not too much of the research shopper, I buy on impulse, but rarely. I’m growing tried of driving to the big orange box at my drug store to see what my pictures look like and paying $3 for them to be burned on disc.

Sooooo….I bought a camera. Little sweet small one. ….ummm…and you’re not going to believe this one.

It doesn’t work…it won’t power on. I just tried new batteries and nada.

Are you fucking kidding me?????

I’m going back up there….This will make the third time today.

SON OF A BITCH!

Glad I didn’t decide to mow the lawn….I probably would have cut my head off. Impossible you say? Not for me today.

Breath…..Breath…..

I have to say it again….

Goddamnmotherfuckingsonofabitch!

I’m so angry I think my blood is actually starting to boil. Now my phone doesn’t work. My fucking internet does but the NEW phone, and yes I did try the old one as well…has no dial tone. WTF?

I’ve been on hold this morning more that I think I have in my life. I was just told that “they” think that I got a bad batch of DSL filters…only me would get a “batch” of bad filters…not just one…but a FUCKING batch. I got four….FOUR…when I signed up for this shit. Now I have to go to the store to buy filter number five. Not because I need my phone but the fact that it’s not working makes me crazy.

And I still have to mow the lawn…and get my brakes fixed…and…and….Dammit!

I’d rather be doing laundry…

Does that give you ANY indication of how my morning is going???? If it doesn’t then you don’t know me very well.

Sonofabitchgoddamnmotherfucker!

All I bought was a phone….very simple. Hooking up my DSL was again….very simple. So why the FUCK now can’t I get either to work? HUH? Please answer me! I had to stop and write this down even though I’m not doing it via the internet. At least my computer will still turn on. Three simple cords, how many times can you change them around?

Ok. I just have to calm down now. It’s working and it wasn’t my fault at all. That’s what just kills me. The filter from my connection to the phone line was dead. Here I had the major fucking freak out for two hours….twisted myself into a frenzy, like a fucking pretzel and it wasn’t even my fault. I’m still a little tense, to say the least.

Too many cords….electrical cords. I don’t like them so much, like snakes twisting around everything. I think that’s what got me frustrated in the first place….I couldn’t seem to sort them all out.

I now have to clean up the mess that I’ve made in this room. I ripped it to shreds during this process.

To make matters worse, I woke up this morning and forgot that I had to take my car to have the brakes fixed. I woke up and thought it was Friday and that I was late for work… which started the freak out. When I realized that it was Saturday I picked up the phone to call my mechanic to see how busy they were. When I picked up the phone the dial tone was very distant and I had messages. I tried to check them but couldn’t really hear them which lead me to trying to figure out if it was the new phone or how I connected it last night. Then I tried to connect to the internet and couldn’t.

Damn. I’ve heard this is a sign of getting old. Going from one thing to the next and the next and the next and then forgetting what you were going to do in the first place…….ummm.…what was I talking about in the first place?

Oh yea….this is how my morning went.

I should have been born a male…

I’m just not into all the girly stuff that…well…girls are into. I went through my girly things relative early in my life. The standard playing with Barbie’s…lacy dresses…the whole nine yards. Once I got my first car though…it was over. I moved more to the male side of the world. Cars, tools, taking things apart, fixing them….I was all over it.

The reason this comes up tonight is I got a gift card for Home Depot. I tend to stay away from this store...it makes me crazy. It’s just a big warehouse of wonderfulness! Tools and wood and nails…oh my!

I went because I needed a new cordless phone. I didn’t know they sold phones until my sister told me. I should have know, silly me…they sell everything! I walk into that place and the sheer vastness of it still amazes me. Just so many things that is unreal. For example they had warehouse fans for sale. The damn thing was almost as tall as me. Huge round silver circles with an enormous blade. None of them were on of course but oh how I wanted to call an employee over to just turn it on for a second to see the power it had.

My thought after I saw that was “Focus India…Focus. Phone, find the phones.” I don’t usually like to ask people for help in a store and I’ve often wondered about that. I think it’s because I like to wander the isles and look. I did finally ask and I was told phones were in the electrical dept. Damn. That was 5 isles away with many things on display in between. One of which was washer and dryers. Oh they are purty now…just like a new car. I had to stop at the front load set made of stainless steel. I just had to touch it for a second and tell it how I wish I could own it. Then I walked away cursing…bastards!

On to the electrical dept. I love it there….all the light fixtures lit up, it looked like Christmas in the middle of June, I just think it’s pretty cool. Snap to India….phone….oh yeah phone.

Up and down the isles I would pause and wonder what certain things were for. I also see things that I could use in my art work which makes my trips there even worse. Anyway, I finally found the phones. Of course I always go for the biggest. There was one phone that has 3 receivers. Oh yeah…I need that. Three whole phones for the price of one all black and silver. Picked it up and headed to the cash register….when it registered…why the hell do I need 3 receivers? All right…all right…I don’t. I went back to the phones and found 1 white one…yuck…but it was the only color they had and it was a quarter of the price of the other so I had $30 dollars left to spend. Woo Hoo!

I won’t bore you with the trip though the power tools section but I will tell you that I bought one of the electronic pest repellers and just for back up Live Catch mouse traps. No dead mice in this house especially one as cute as Woody (that’s what I named him cause he’s brown). Even though I haven’t seen him in a few weeks I’m tired of Woody’s “appearing this week only” visits.

After the trip there tonight it did make me wonder. Why aren’t I a girly girl? I mean I am in a lot of ways but not like most. Ah…I don’t care. I think it’s pretty cool for a girl to like cars and power tools.

I was going to write about something completely different than this….

But after reading a friend's blog and something he wrote earlier this week to many memories came flooding back not to write about this.

I’ve spoken about Joe here several times…about our first date and his suicide. I think I even wrote about the pen he gave me. I’ve actually wanted to post a picture of him here but thought that was disrespectful…the same as you thought James about posting Susan’s words to you.

I was very vague or maybe I never even told the ending of us before his death. Because honestly, I still blame myself for some aspects of his death.

When we were dating he decided to join the Marines. He wanted to go to college and his family didn’t have the money so he thought that was his best option at the time. His mom was against it and his dad was proud but concerned. I hated it. He would be shipped off to boot camp in California of all places. Him in California and me in Texas just didn’t sit well with me. The Marines didn’t exactly make me thrilled either. I kept asking him “Why not just the army? The Marines are so hard core.” He always replied “Because it’s the best of the best. If I’m going to do it, I want to be the best.” I still remember seeing him the night before he left. I begged him not to go. We stayed up almost until he had to leave. I think that was the night he told me he loved me.

We wrote letters to each other almost everyday. At first the letters he wrote were disturbing…it was hard for him. Joe was a small guy, probably around 5’6 140 lbs. so he got picked on a lot when he first got there. The letters would infuriate me. I couldn’t believe they were treating my Joe that way…but it was the Marines and I also knew he wasn’t telling me the half of what was going on. We sent each other packages. He would send me t-shirts that had California splattered all over them. The letters that came with them were full of love and caring. I would send him things that he missed from Texas...BBQ pictures of me and his family…and a ton of TX crap that was considered cheesy if you lived here but pretty special if you missed home.

I can’t remember how long he was gone. I want to say 6 weeks but I think it was more like 3 months. He graduated, at the top of his class which is what he was shooting for. He worked his ass of and he did it.

He called me when he got back he asked me to come over but I knew every person that was even semi related to him was at his house. I told him to go and enjoy his family and I would see him the next day. He agreed. I hung up the phone and thought there was something different.

I have to say this now. I have nothing against the military. I just think that some people aren’t made for it.

I think that Joe was one of them, he was too sensitive to be taught to kill. It changed him. He was guarded. I think that his experience had all but killed the fun loving kid in him. He was no longer 18….he was a Marine.

Not long after that we broke up. I think it was mutual. Maybe more on my side, I don’t know but we parted ways. We would talk every now and again. Then he got into the motorcycle accident. His mom use to work with my mom (that’s how Joe and I met) and she told her about it. Gave her the story and what hospital and room he was in to pass on to me.

That’s how it started back up again, me and friends sneaking into the hospital at 2am in the morning to see him. He failed to mention the fact that he had a girlfriend though. A few weeks later after he was released from the hospital and back at home I went to see him. It was my fault that I didn’t call but just stopped by. His girlfriend was there. I should have known by his mother’s face when she answered the door. I look back now and chuckle. She must have wanted to grab her rosary.

She told me Joe was in his room with his girlfriend and went to the front of the hall and called to him to tell him I was there. Neither one of them had mentioned her in the hospital and I’m surprised that I didn’t run into her there or did I? Things do get foggy but I'm pretty sure I didn't because I do remember his mother at the door of his house and I do remember a feeling of surprise to me and I think it was that day in his room due to the following events.

I went to his room and remember she was very sweet. Joe had mentioned me and told her we use to date. She had to leave for work, kissed Joe goodbye and left. Joe and I sat and talked for awhile. He seemed to be back more to the old Joe than the Marine. When I was getting ready to leave he said “I want to be with you. I will break up with her India.” I told him that he couldn’t do that to her it wasn’t fair. Because he had told me though that conversation that he loved her and she had been by his side the whole time after the accident and him loosing his best friend.

That’s one of the questions that still haunts me. What if I would have said “Yes…dump her, it’s you and me kid!” Would he still be alive? Also, if he wouldn’t have gone through boot camp would he have even been able to obtain a gun much less know exactly where to point it to know for sure it would kill him?

I do cry sometimes when I write about him, tonight is one of those nights. I didn’t think this was going to turn into such a long blog and especially not such a painful one. But it’s rare that I cry when I think of him. I try and block out the accident…the incidents leading up to his suicide and the funeral.

I remember the Joe before the Marines before all the crap. As I’ve said every time I hear a “Cars” song I think of him and smile. Even after 22 years and for 22 years since we dated when one of their songs plays my mind instantly goes to him.

Me and him in his Mustang driving back from ….I think it was a Rodeo…and me pulling out my book and the pen he gave me and writing what a good day I was having with him. He asked me what I was writing and I told him. “Just writing about what a great day I had with you today.” He smiled at me and said “How’s the pen by the way? Do you like it?” “I love it” I said “By the way” he said “I had a great time with you too” then he grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

That is the day I remember and it makes me smile every time I think about it. Everything does change even when we don’t want it to. What would have happened between us if he was still here? Who knows and I can’t even begin to guess.

All I know is he’s a person that I was so privileged to have in my life, if only for a few years. You don’t ever forget the feelings that you had...being frozen in that time of pure joy and then pure pain. It makes us who we are. We never forget them.

I loved him and I still do. He was always able to make me smile and he can still can.

Does the brain heal itself like the body?

I was thinking about this on the way home from work. When you hurt yourself….break a bone…skin a knee your body immediately takes over to repair it. What about when the brain is "emotionally" wounded? Does it heal itself?

I’m going to try and explain this and hope it makes sense. It made sense when I was thinking about it but that was a few hours ago.

I know that I should stop talking about DD but he’s the whole reason I started writing again and why I initially started this blog. Maybe things do happen for a reason. Anyway, that’s beside the point or maybe it's not.

After we first broke up…I was a wreck…an emotional fucking nightmare. A lot of people told me to “seek help”. It’s not that I didn’t believe in therapy I just didn’t think I could bring myself to tell a complete stranger about the last 9 years of my life and what I went through…and now that I think back I didn’t even know what I had been through. The only things that really knew what had happened were my fingers…that’s when I started to write down all the stories and what had happened over that span of time. It eventually made me see. Was that my brain…making my fingers itch to write it all down, to make me understand…or should I say, make my “conscience” mind understand?

Honestly, writing all this crap saved what little sane part of my mind that was left.

Now, however it has moved to more parts of my life than just the keyboard. I’ve spoken about T here lately and the phone calls. I haven’t talked to her in a couple of weeks. I have no desire to speak with her to tell you the truth. Another friend, just recently, the same thing has started happening. I have no desire to talk to her as well. I thought at first it was just another funk that I was going through but on the way home I realized it wasn’t. I started comparing the two and their similar traits. Both, in a round about kind of way, think that they are experts on many things. Both try and tell me what to do…or how they know what I’m thinking or feeling and both can be extremely overbearing at times. All these traits lived in DD. Now I know everyone can be this way. Hell, I’ll be the first to say I can….but not on a daily basis. I just started wondering if I gravitated towards these people because he was that way and I felt I needed that in my life and after he was gone I was so sick to death of it and left half crazy that my brain has just said….simply….no more.

DD told me to do everything the way he wanted it, when he wanted and never failed to tell me if he thought I was doing something wrong or looked the wrong way for that matter. He assumed things about me or what I was thinking with no proof behind it just because he thought he was that smart and intuitive.

Of course the first couple of guys I dated after we split had these exact same qualities as him. They, in all human terms, dumped me but when I think back it was a little different. I MADE them dump me. I actually started speaking up when they would make a comment like he would and to tell you the truth get really ugly about it. They would call and want to go out and I started finding excuses. Eventually both very short term relationships came to a sudden end. Was that my brain again making me make them leave without me really knowing it?

I haven’t done this since. I semi-dated one guy a few months ago and yeah, he has some of the same traits but I didn’t go freaky on him. I just took it with a grain of salt and let it go. I talked to my friends about it for days…..but that’s just a normal female.

Now I think my brain has taken it to the next level. I have my friends that when I see them on the caller ID I don’t have a problem answering, but the 2 in question I can’t, I just can’t bring myself to answer the phone. I guess I can’t until I can find it somewhere in my heart to tell them if you do this to me again I can’t be your friend anymore. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying I’m the greatest thing since the IPOD (I almost said sliced bread…just thought I’m modernize it a bit…hehe) but I don’t want to be bullied anymore and I don’t think anyone deserves to be…especially by a friend.

My point after this enormous blog is….

Is my brain actually pulling everything together and trying to make itself whole again?

Or am I just fucking crazy?

It’s like looking at a blank canvas
The white glow of the computer.
I know that I’ve realized
I am not in true life
I am a day dreamer
It’s all in my mind
To forget every day life
And I do.

Oh yeah!

I just stared reading an email from a friend…..he reminded me of the date.

Happy 6/6/6 everyone!

I had no fear today however…my cell number has the infamous 666 in it.

So I hate to tell everybody….I think I’m exempt if the world comes to and end tonight. I’ve already been branded….by the numbers.

But wait...I'm only 46% evil. Maybe that test on the internet was wrong. Ya think?

Random thoughts and questions today….

Had some problems at work with a girl in my office, I think I blogged about it but I’m not sure. It’s gotten to the point where we actually get along quite well. I still feel the knife pointed towards my back sometimes even when she has a smile on her face. Can those people that completely screwed you over be trusted again? Did they just make a mistake that one time even if they’ve done it to other people? Or do you just have to put them at face value and watch your back?

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Why do people drive like there is no one else on the road but them? I’m not saying I’m the best driver in the world (well we all kind of think we are) but some people just have not regard for other people.

I was driving back to work the other day and this man pulled out in front of me from a side street. I was going approx 40 mph. I drive as SUV and he was in a Honda. I drive an older SUV so when mine was made, they were made tuff…big metal bumpers on the beast that would rip through that Honda like a mere tin can. The guy pulls right out in front of me and hits his brakes and turns the hazards on. I instantly hit my brakes and came within inches of hitting him. He had pulled out in front of me to look at a car for sale parked on the side of the road. Just a couple of feet ahead was a place for him to park his car and get out to actually look at the car close up. No, he choose to almost have my car demolish his by pulling out and flatly stopping in front of me. I started to honk at the guy because people behind me were honking. Of course he gave me the finger. He took off and I started going again. For a city block he hit his brakes suddenly so I had to hit mine…3 times. I tried to get out from behind him but there was too much traffic in the other lane. I finally managed to get in the other lane and he tried to cut me off but didn’t make it. He got caught behind an old truck going about 10 mph with a bed full of junk flying everywhere. Hmmm….karma? The think what I found so amazing is that he would sacrifice his car for something HE did?

Old Rodeo SUV vs. Honda Accord = Accord totaled.

I got a little fired up writing that. It did piss me off a bit when it happened. I do now remember calling Mindy and saying “What part of SUV don’t people understand?”
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Drove thought the park on the way home, as usual. I don’t know if the sign I saw was new or I have driven the route for so long I just didn’t see it. It said the standard things are illegal in parks:

No alcohol
No cars passing in the bike lane
No soccer.
Ummm..Wait… brain said “read that again”
No soccer.
Yup….and that was the only sport it listed.
Why?
What about baseball? Would that be a little more dangerous than soccer?
Soccer ball semi-soft….baseball hard…right?

I mean this park is a well know meeting ground for gay men…and others, I’m sure but I didn’t see anything on that sign that said…

No soccer and by the way no sex either.

Park…kids…soccer…right?

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Why when men age they get more attractive and women just get old?

I know….I know….the static’s.

But men aren’t called spinsters….or old maids….

Is it because it’s a man’s world?

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Why when you say “Oh God” or “Jesus!” (Not in a spiritual way, I might add) some asshole has to say “Yes?”

Ummm….or was that my ex that only did that.

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Why when a copier isn’t working people don’t check to see if it has paper?

That one always gets me.

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I guess that’s just about all the perplexing questions or thoughts that I have that might somehow change the universe tonight.

Man is my mind full of crap or what?

Driving though the park today…

There was a man and his daughter out on the grass. The little girl was probably around 3 or 4. The father was lying on his side, on a blanket, with his hand propping up his head. The little girl was in a red dress and she was playing with a white balloon. Laughing and hitting it so it would fly up in the sky and then chasing it as it fell back to the ground. Such a simple toy for this day and age but it looked like she was having so much fun.

I still remember the simple toys when I was a kid. One of my favorites was when my mom bought a new fridge. The box was the most amazing thing ever! It was my little house for weeks. It’s little cut out windows and Door. It was fabulous! Eventually it rained and my little house was a victim of cardboard collapse. My brother tried to fix it for me but to know avail it was just too soggy. My mom said I kept asking her to buy another fridge so I could have a new house.

I guess seeing the little girl in the park made me think. What happened to the simple things in life? Kids have TV’s, computers, MP3 players, video games….hell…adults too. I know the world needs to evolve but it was nice to see that little girl having so much fun with something as simple as a balloon and seeing the smile on her fathers face.

I think I might have to buy some balloons. I bet my dogs would love them…and me too.

I wonder if Bill and Sylvia are still together.

I do love it when I find these random things and actually have my camera.

I must have walked by it a million times but didn’t notice it until yesterday.

It’s starting again..or shall I say…

He’s started calling again. The phone just rang, it was him and he left a message. I just don’t think I can listen to it.

I’m tired…and his words have gotten old.

It still continues to amaze me that after all the things he did and called me he still wants to talk to me. Why? If he hates me as much as he’s told me then why the hell does he call me?

I tried to remain friends with him. It didn’t work. He continued to rip me to shreds every time I saw him.

I know it makes him feel better about himself to rip me apart, I understand this I just can’t do it anymore.

I do think about him from time to time. Hope that he’s ok. My heart actually aches for him at points…but it’s not a good ache.

He just called again. Changing my phone number is looking like a good option at this point. I just didn’t’ want to have to do that because yet again I am sacrificing something of mine, for him. Why should I have to change MY phone number?

Time has made it better….but it doesn’t heal all wounds. This was the person that I intended to spend the rest of my life with, have kids…be a family.

Nope. It wasn’t meant to happen. I don’t think it ever was. I just loved him. Thought he was funny, talented and beautiful in so many more ways than one.

I’m not sure he ever loved me which is hard to admit.

But it is what it is.

My first real date…

I’m watching a movie that said something about this. The charter said “You never forget your first real date."

Mine was Joe.

We went bowling. He picked me up in his 65 Mustang. I think it was blue. That’s about all the specifics I remember. I do know that I had a wonderful time.

That’s about all I can say. I’m starting to tear up a bit.

Even after all these years…I still miss him.

I give paybacks when paybacks are due….

And this is long over due. I sent an email to a friend about a guy I use to…date? We went out 3 times. We did, however, email, chat, and call each other for a couple of months prior to the 3 dates. Heh….3…funny. Anyhoo…

To break the whole story down, he was my transition person. My ex was still living here even though we were broken up. This guy was the person that pulled me out of the situation, mentally. I will give him a thank you for that.

This is where the payback begins…

He was a fucking asshole.

Sometimes I give up too much information. I told him all about me and my ex. How I was in an (this pains me to type this next phrase but…just have to) abusive relationship. He knew my situation and ran with it.

It’s funny…he was just like my ex in a different way. Let me see if I can explain this….

He was a writer so he had a way with words. Now I admit, I’m not the brightest color in the Crayon box but I get it, eventually. He would insult me in pretty words. Which took me awhile to get…but I got it…but good.

Yes we only had 3 dates. But we did talk a lot. He meant something to me in a weird way. But it very bluntly, ended.

He had a blog that he was so proud of. I would read it every day. I even read it after he dumped me. He had his main blog, and then stared a second blog about his horrible dating experiences. It was cruel. He bashed women to no end, and yes, I was one of them.

I will quote…

“India, now that was drama. I never intended to date her she is much too white for me. I prefer darker women.” He said more but….I don’t want to relive it

I can go on and on and try to fight back on that sentence but it would take me a whole day. All I can say is he didn’t like me. I get it. I just don’t understand why he had to bash me. It wasn’t fair. It really wasn’t fair due to the fact that I really did like him. And yet again, he thought I was garbage.

It’s so amazing to me. I always insult myself and I’ve learned from the best…..DD. But I will…for once…give myself a pat on the back.

Here’s my pat on the back…

I will be there and listen….I will give you the shirt off my back if you need it….

Ugh…nuff said

I’ve come to learn that some people are just mean. The funny thing is…I never expect it.

I really want to say so many things about him. The one mistake he made was telling me a lot of private things. I could do it…splatter him all over the internet….even use his full name. But I can’t. I just can’t do it.

Which leads me to the question…”Why did he do it?”

I know I’ve slammed DD here. And I have to do it again. He was a nightmare. Me, talking about him on this blog helped me unload the poison. But this guy randomly bashing me and other women is just wrong.

He eventually deleted the dating blog…wonder why.

Words are powerful tools…I just wish that people chose them more wisely.

Some people are too perfect…

I’m sitting here watching “Independence Day”....yes I know, yet another cheesy movie that I love.

It does bring to mind a question. How can certain people be SO perfect?

Harry Connick Jr.? Are you kidding me? What CAN’T he do? I can only hope he's an asshole.

He sings…beautifully I might add, he’s an actor and doesn’t he play every instrument known to man? Oh I’m sorry I didn’t mention the fact that he’s incredibly handsome. Where was I when all these talents were being passed out in the gene pool?

Guess I was out sick that day.

I just have to say something…

He called the other morning. He knows I don’t answer the phone in the morning. Phone rang and went to voice mail. Rang again, 10 seconds later but only twice, and then stopped.

Lying in bed and hearing this….I knew it was him. My caller ID confirmed I was correct.

I hate it that a phone ringing can actually RIP my heart out and call it trash…then stomp on it.

Wow…what power I’ve given him.

It’s been a month with silence and I cherished every second.

I use to think that I could never live without him. Now I know I need to live with out him.

I almost lost my mind over him…

Doing it in threes…

I have become increasingly concerned about a small part of my noggin…mental state of mind that is. I’ve always been a bit obsessive compulsive my whole life but certain things started to become really noticeable to me.

When I was a child I had to sleep with certain animals and have things arranged a certain way before I could go to sleep. My mom said it use to drive her nuts! I don’t do that anymore, not when it comes to going to bed. Bed, hit it, done. It has however manifested itself in other ways.

For example, when I leave my house in the morning I have to always check the back door 3 times to make sure it’s locked. Always have to kiss each dog on the snout and pat them 3 times on the head. When I finally leave the house and lock the front door I wiggle the handle 3 times before it's closed just to make sure the lock sticks before I close it and after it’s closed I have to grab the handle move it back and fourth 3 times just to be sure I can't push it open. Then I shut my security door and do the same thing again….3 times.

What happened the other day that made me notice and really scared the shit out of me is when I was checking the security door the “3rd check” just didn’t sound (sorry, security door is metal door, makes a metal on metal sound when I do this) right so I started over. 1…2…3… the third didn’t sound right again so I started over 1…2… that’s when it hit me. “What the FUCK am I doing? Doesn’t sound right? You you've got to be fucking kidding me!” With that I stopped and left for work. That’s all I thought about for the rest of the day. I did actually come to a conclusion of why. There are three of us here, my dogs and me. I think that’s where 3 comes into play. I think that if I do all these things 3 times it will keep us safe when in actuality it won’t. I know this.

This only started happening after the ex left. I think I became increasingly paranoid that he was going to try and break in the house. I have reasons to believe he would but that’s a whole other can of worms.

I got into the mind frame of “I have to protect us” and I think that this is where it’s stemming from.

I talked to Minn about it and she flatly said “Stop doing it, you know that it’s not going to save anything. You just have to stop.”

I haven’t done it for a week. I did however, catch myself this morning on #2 with the security door but I stopped, and walked away. It did cross my mind that when I got home, if I got home, there might be one less of us. Nope. We are all here. In a really hot fucking house I might add, but here none the less.

Funny the games the mind plays. Almost like it’s giving you a form of protection when in all actuality there is no protection from life.

It comes as it comes….

This is how my morning, afternoon and evening went...or is going

Woke up late this morning….ummm…really late. Thank goodness I have a partner in crime at work and they covered for me.

I was rushing around the house like a lunatic! Got the heart a tickin again though! Ran to my car jumped in and off I went. For some reason I looked down at the gas gauge. DAMN! “Please move up little needle….pppllleeeaaassseee!! Purty please!” I disregarded my car’s need for food. Decided to go it on fumes. I made it. Whew! Now just had to sneak into the office. That was pretty easy. It seems no one even knew I wasn’t there. It made me wonder if that was good or bad. I immediately forgot that question as I turned to my computer and pulled up my email. Started to read the first one and realized I had been staring at the first couple of words for quite some time. I was not reading it, merely looking at it. Coffee….need coffee.

As the day progressed it got pretty busy so I woke up a little more. But I still had the freaky thing that I get when I get really tired. My mind asks too many questions and then *poof* the question is gone and it’s off to another question….then another….so on. Mind you, with no answers. So this is how my mental Q&A went for the rest of the day.

When I went outside to smoke there was a girl out there with a flower in her hair…a real one. I asked myself “Why does that look cute in her hair but put it in mine and I would look like a dork and why would it look bad on me...and why can she do it and not me? Doesn’t it need water? Does she have a glass of water at her desk and when she goes back in she will put it in the water?” Done smoking walk back in the building...flower forgetten.

I was waiting for the elevator with another man. The elevator came and when the doors opened the man stepped aside to let me go first. As the door closed I thought “Why do men do that? How did that start? Did it start because they just want to look at a woman ass so they step aside to get a glimpse?” Man got off elevator…my question went with him.

Back to work…day was almost done. At this point I kind of hit a lull and returned to staring at my computer screen. Pondering many questions all of which I can’t remember. Whistle blows! Woo Hoo! Quittin time! A new sense of energy hits me.

I walk to the parking garage and it dawns on me that I was so late I had to park on the top level which is uncovered. It was fucking hot here today people and my car has no air. Stupid fucking heater coil and why do that call that part that anyway? I need air not heat!! Yeah when I opened the door it felt like I just opened the door to my oven. I don’t usually sit in my oven though and I had to sit in this shit. Rolled down the windows, by the way, I don’t have the fancy smansy electric windows….after rolling them down I was drenched. That’s ok…work is done and home is a snap away….there’s no place like home….there’s no place like home….Put the key in started the monster up and then noticed the gas gauge. FUCK!! I need fucking gas! Ok…that’s fine….fine…it will only take a second. So I floated to the gas station down the street….that's when the Q&A started in full force.

I was pumping gas and two women came walking down the street. My first thought was not a question…well actually it was WTF? This woman had the biggest chest I think that I’ve ever see…without a bra. Questions started…Do they make an XXXXXX bra? If they do, why isn’t she wearing one? Are they actually bouncing against each other as she walks? Doesn’t she feel that? Doesn’t it occur to her that she might NEED a bra? She caught me staring at her…I’m sorry it was like a train wreck…I just couldn’t look away. Gas done….home now please. Pulled out of the gas station and almost hit a woman on her cell phone wanting to turn left in the right lane...without her blinke on in a Geo Metro or a Ford Festiva. I can't tell them apart...and I don't want to...all I asked myself was... Why was it made? Fugly cars. When they drew up the designs, didn’t someone stand up and say “We can’t do this to the car world”? I had an answer to that question. No…..no one stood up because they are all crawling around city streets as I type.

I forgot that I had to go by the store and on the way there my usually questions…why are stop signs red and why are yield signs yellow…oh good song on the radio….”Ballroom Blitz”…who sings that?

Store finally. Go in get what I need quick…Corny Dogs…yummy…Why do they call them that? I watched a show on it but don’t remember. I got up to the counter and a woman walked up behind me. She had one item. A bag of cinnamon and raisin bagels. That’s all. Where’s the cream cheese? Maybe she doesn’t like cream cheese. Does she just like butter on them? If she does is she sure she has butter in the fridge...and why is she coming to the store just for these? Just a craving? Her husband had to have them for the morning? Cashier “Hi”. Bagels gone from questioning. Paid, left and headed home.

One the way home I had no more question about outer objects but trying to remember a joke I heard a long time ago. After many questions of course…I think I remembered it correctly.

A woman in a grocery store walks up to the counter and starts putting her purchases down. Several frozen dinners, couple of beers, couple of sodas all very individual items for one. The man standing in front of her looks down at what she intends to purchase and says “Single huh?” The woman quietly chuckles and says “Yes, how did you know?” The man says “Cause you’re fucking ugly”. Yeah I know crude joke…but it got me home….and made me quietly chuckle.

Third times a charm...Dorothy leaves OZ….there’s now place like home.