Is that a rooster in your pocket or are you just happy to see me…

I’m sorry…where do I live again? This is what I saw in my front driveway when I got home from work. Interesting…it followed me down the drive to my house in the back. I think it thought my toes were worms. He scared me a bit. He was pretty cool though…just a baby.

I heard from DD today. I knew I would. He left me a voicemail at work, at 7am this morning…when he knew I wouldn’t be there. He just wanted to wish me a happy birthday. He sounded normal…which means in my world, when we first met. I called him back and got his voicemail. Asked him to call me I just wanted to know that he was ok. He’s been playing on my mind lately and as much as I don’t want to care, I still do. Don’t get me wrong, there is never an intention of getting back together with him but he flips though my mind from time to time and I wonder sometimes if he’s still alive.

He called me back. He’s living in a “sober living” home. He’s 10 days sober…and I’m happy for him. He said at the end of August he was going to meet with a counselor and figure out the core of his issues. He hid things from me for years. No telling what is in his mind. I hope he can be honest with himself.

He always said I never looked inside myself, when in actuality, I did…and still do…daily. I know the reason for my neurosis. I had a shit father….ok it took me 35 years to get over it but I got it. I actually asked my sister tonight when we were talking on the phone “Is that son of a bitch still alive?” Heh…my sister replied…”As far as I know”. That was really hard to type, but my father is…in fact…an asshole.

My father is not the only issue…there are tons more, but it makes me who I am. Everybody has their shit…their issues, it’s just the choice for that person to see it…or not.

I judge myself on how I treat everyone around me. People that just breeze by and not give a shit baffles me. I expect people to treat me the way that I treat them…and you know what? It’s just not that simple.

Most people don’t give a fuck. They could give a shit less if you live or die.

But I do…and I guess that’s all that matters…to me.

I am….

Officially…41…by my own standards.

I thought that my life would have been a lot different now. Nope. Nothing like I expected.

I think that's kind of cool.

Dark waters….

Dammit. Kitchen sink is clogged. I’ve been plunging for hours…ok…not hours, but isn't one good enough? It started out clear…then went to brown and then I started pressing the subject. Now it’s black. I knew I should have gone to the store and bought Draino. But I thought after it cleared up for a while, I could just plunge the shit out of it and all would be good. Nah.

I really wanted to clean tonight….what a brilliant escape.

It really baffles me how rude people are…

I was at 7-11 today to get my usual….cigarettes and a Slurpee. There was a woman in front of me at the cash register and she was getting the winning lotto numbers. The guy behind the counter gave them to her and she walked away. My turn…. I start to say “Could I also have 2 packs of Winston….”EXCUSE ME!” The same woman appeared again, may I add she was invading my 1 square ft. rule around my body, and she also scared the begeezies out of me. “YOU GAVE ME THE WONG DAYS NUMBERS!” The man looked at me with an apologetic smile and said “Can you hold on for just a second”…Me, “Sure”. He finally figured out what she was talking about and then proceeded to help me again. The woman walked away, without a sorry or thank you.

Why do some people think that they are the only ones in the world? It baffles me.

I had someone bodily hit me full on in the metro station and not say a word. She looked at me as if I was at fault when I was the one trying to dodge her and she walked away muttering something under her breath. Now what is that?

Miserable life? Maybe…but I’m a big fan of not letting the shit roll down the hill. Just because you are having a hard time or a bad day is no reason to pass it on to someone else. But I guess a lot of people just don’t care.

As miserable as I was at points over the last few years, I just never felt the need to be rude to anyone else….especially strangers. It made me feel better to be kind to someone I saw on the street or in a store.

Just felt the need to vent…considering the fact that I think I am now deaf in my left ear.

Thanks lady...see..."thanks" isn't that hard.

So….

Today is my “birth” date, which should not be confused, in my world with my “birthday”.

I was born today, July 30th. My whole life my birthday was celebrated on July 31st.

“Why?” could be the question rolling around in your noggin. Well it rolls around in mine as well.

When I moved to California, I needed two forms of ID when I got a job, so my mom sent me a copy of my birth certificate. That’s when I found out that my birthday was one day off.

I called my mom and questioned the date on my birth certificate and she had no explanation. Even my driver’s license has the 31st as my birthday. Guess the DMV trusted me more than the legitimate paperwork that I brought in…heh…I was only 15. They trusted a kid applying for a hardship license more then the government paperwork. Go figure.

Hell, when I applied for my 401K Merrill Lynch caught it.

Now I know it’s not that big of a deal to most. One day, who the fuck cares right?

Well I kind of do.

This day is a constant reminder that my mom forgot what day I was born on.

We’re all taking the short bus to Watermelon hell…

No animals were hurt in this picture…there were even precautions to save him from “sweet head” which I call the accumulation of sugar particles that could have formed in his fur. M covered the inside in foil and a plastic bag. Coal actually seemed to like it.

Whose idea was this? Hmmm….my mischievous friend’s…..oh but I helped.

It was all about a fruit bowl and a cat on the internet with a pumpkin helmet….

I am, however...scared by the cabinet eyes.

Enough said…

This is how my morning went…

My dogs woke me up about 8:30 to let them out. I went back to bed and dreamt that I was out of dog food. Yes, this is how thrilling my life has become. They woke me up again about 10:30 and I told them to wait because at this point I believed that I was out of food for them. At 11:00 they became relentless. I got up…walked to the bag just to check and see if there was anything left in it. There was still a ¼ of a bag. I had dreamt that I was out of dog food and believed it.

This has happened once before when I was in my 20’s. I had a dream that I was pregnant. Which at that point in my life, would have been by immaculate conception. But it took me a good 30 minutes, lying in bed, after I woke up from that dream, to realize that I wasn’t.

I went from dreaming about, at least the concept of sex, to an empty bag of dog food.

Wow…I really need to start getting out more.

Just another day at the office…and my Marilyn Monroe moment…

When I was on my way home for lunch today, I was passing Hollywood & Highland (which is where the metro station is) when an SUV came rolling by me with sirens blaring and “K-9 Bomb unit” written on the side of it. As I looked in my rear view mirror, it pulled up in front of H&H which is across from where I work…ahhh…nothing like the bomb squad to brighten up my day. I’ve seen several of them over there since I’ve worked at that building. As I continued driving the cops were coming out of every side street racing towards the metro. I was at lunch for about 1 ½ hours and by the time I got back to the office, there was nothing. No bomb? Bummer...I was kind of hoping they would have evacuated the building by the time I got back and I could go home early. Heh.

Speaking of the Metro…me and two of my co-workers were walking to a meeting that was in the H&H building and I just happened to be wearing a little flared skirt. I rarely wear skirts and I rarely walk over there. As you probably have already guessed we walked over the grate for the Metro. Skirt went straight up. Now, if I was anywhere close to being like Marilyn it wouldn’t have been so bad. I did actually want to stand there and act like that picture of her but I didn’t think that I should subject my co-works to that, considering one was female and the other gay. It also probably would have been a little inappropriate at 5pm on Hollywood Blvd. But it did cross my mind I thought it would have been funny…well funnier….

So this is my birthday weekend and I think I’m getting the best present ever. My friend M said I could go over to her house and do my laundry tomorrow. You might think this is pathetic, laundry at a friends on a Saturday night, but it sounds like heaven to me.

No hot, steamy laundry mat. Just hanging out with M and drinking some wine.

Hooo Haaaa…..Happy Birthday to me.

I just want him to be happy....

Do you know how many times I think about him in one day? Too many…it crucifies me. Everyone in his life has left him. No one understands….no one…but me. I was the last one standing. No one saw him but me….and I left him alone….the guilt that I live with is almost unbearable. No one understands…I’m not even sure I do. He was just too cruel to me. I couldn’t take it anymore.

As horrible as this person was to me, I will still love him, because no one ever did.

A woman jogging while talking on her cell phone….you know what I’m saying?

Oh and drunken soap…

So, this afternoon as I was leaving work I saw a woman jogging. Not uncommon here, actually over common. The only thing is, she was jogging and talking on her cell phone, and I shouldn’t say jogging…she was running. Now I ask you….is any call that important? Or if you were expecting an important call wouldn’t you stay home? I mean maybe someone is dying…but wouldn’t you be there if they were and not out jogging? I just thought it was fucking stupid to see that. Or shall I say…as “Otis” did so eloquently….Dude WTF?

“You know what I’m saying?” This phrase is used by two of my friends. As we all know now I have down sized (or someone downsized me) and I now have 2 friends instead of 3. I think the term “you know what I mean” or “you know what I’m saying” is due to living with people or having friends that either don’t listen or can’t comprehend what you are saying. Or they could give a shit less. That’s always an option. I said it tonight with Minn…and I thought it was the first time for me. But I’m not so sure. All three of us are classified by me into a certain sector of being around someone that you literally had to or have to knock on their forehead and say “Hello in there”. And if people out there in blogger land are saying “Well, maybe ya’ll are boring or they just don’t like you” I agree 1000%. But they keep hanging around or coming around….and my fav…they keep calling…did I just say fav? Oh shit. Houston we have a situation.

Heh. Drunken soap. Now this is a good one. Minn said I could tell this story when we were talking on the phone tonight. She was a bit tipsy. She rarely gets like this. Hubby was laughing at her. She asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I have to tell you first that she gave me some fabulous soap for Christmas. I loved it. It was so pretty I didn’t want to take the wrapping off. But I was poor and needed soap…so I broke down. Anyway, that’s what I wanted so she decided to make it tonight…while tipsy. I even had her write the label tonight. It was too funny over the phone. She made me yellow, glitter, lavender and rosemary soap. I’m sure it’s drying as I type. We came up with this brilliant idea…..drunkensoap.com. I think it’s hysterical. You would order it and you would never know what you were going to receive when you order it. Of course she would have to have a couple of glasses of wine in her, which is rare…but hell I could do it. Yoh! Minn! You teach me to make soap and I will drink…sounds like a deal to me.

In other Hollywood news…I was outside smoking when I saw this yesterday. It was pretty amazing…all for the new Will Ferrell movie about, racing…don’t know the name. There were three real NASCAR...ummm…cars. Holly shit. That was so fucking great to see them turning onto Hollywood Blvd. The power of those cars….I’m speechless. They were all 3 feet from me. The sound was deafening. The guy in the last car got stuck at the light right directly in front of me. It’s so funny to type that because parking control around there is like a house infested with roaches. But yesterday the roaches had been scattered. There was no one there to help or supervise NASCARS…uh, yeah, pretty fucking stupid and no one to help the last man out….well…out. But he made it quite the show. Tourist are everywhere in Hollywood right now and I was almost blinded in the middle of the day by the flashes of their cameras. (people, we don’t need flashes during the day…oh hell I do it too…whatever) I think he was pissed that he was left at the light listening to the sound of the other cars blowing down the street. So he kept revving his engine. I was shocked with awe.

I was star struck…for the first time, with a race car. The power was insane….I just wanted to scream…please…please let me drive.

This is why I don't watch the news....

I woke up about 6ish…mind you, that doesn’t mean I going to get up…I merely woke up….cold. Imagine that. I had put the air on medium and the temp had dropped to the 70’s during the night so it was a little chilly in my room. I had to at least roll over and grab the comforter. It was so nice. Then about 15 minutes later I realized that I was sucking a hell of a lot of energy when I didn’t need to. So I turned it off. But I had a wonderful 15 minutes.

I thought about turning off the air this morning because I watched the news last night. I rarely watch the news. It’s mainly a pack of lies to me. I’ve heard people talking in the office about the rolling black outs here and in NY. I understand this….it’s too hot and it’s all just too much power trying to be generated…or something to that effect…I don’t fucking know, the guy on the news was speaking a foreign language…at least on my end. But I definitely heard one woman they interviewed VERY clearly, and I couldn’t believe what I heard.

She had lost her power, which a lot of people have in Cali. Now I have to say I understand it’s really fucking hot here. I am the first to bitch. But what this woman said blew me away. She compared the power outage here to the Tsunami and hurricane Katrina. She said the only difference was they haven’t lost their homes.

Excuse me? I’m sorry I didn’t hear that correctly. Your situation is like two natural disasters? I thought maybe I missed part of the interview so I switched to another channel. No, I heard it right.

I understand that people have died here because of the heat and loss of power. But come on, you got to be fucking kidding me.

I lived through a brown out here. It was a few years back. I had one air conditioner, just like I do now. The exact same situation…I was approx. 5 miles from there to where I live now. That day it was 110. My air was barely working, as well as my TV…even my fridge light was hurtin’. Everything was on a low dim. Then all the sudden everything went out. It was a brown out that went as far as Nevada. It was around 2pm. Oh I will never forget that. Yeah it sucks. Yeah, I had just gone grocery shopping and my new groceries, as well as I, were done. The thing that sucked about that duplex was it got hotter after 3. So I knew it was going to get worse.

I was friends with the guy next door so I went over there. They had decided to BBQ since the power had gone out. Huh? What? What can I say…they always drank a hell of a lot of beer.

The power finally came on about 12am. We were all drunk by that time…and to tell you the truth we kind of forgot it was off. Yeah, it was hot and the BBQ didn’t help but we had some good food that was going to rot anyway, some cold beer (because one of the guys there was drunk enough to think about going to the store and getting ice to save his beer) and just hung out.

Funny, the next day one of the transformers (I think that’s what they call them) on a telephone pole broke in front of our house and we had a wild electrical snake hissing on our front lawn for about 2 hours. So we lost power again. But we were too hung over to care. Heh.

I guess my point is…it’s just fucking hot here people…it’s hot everywhere, but to compare this to losing your family and friends, homes and your whole life is so incredibly fucking stupid.

Boy oh boy, this city…

Why do I live here again?

I didn’t know that while I slept last night earth had become hell….

It is so mother fucking hot I just can’t stand it. It’s fucking hotter outside than it is in my house and I only have one fucking air conditioner. The room I am currently in doesn’t have air. I tried opening the window in here but it was like opening the door to my oven.

I just looked up the temperature. Now why the fuck did I do that? 94….ninety fucking four…what the fuck it that? It’s nine fucking thirty at night.

I know, I know, it’s hotter other places. I’ll stop bitching now.

I’ve been so consumed with actually having a life this weekend that I didn’t even mention that “The Dog Whisperer” was at my sister’s house last week. My sister met Cesar live and in person. I just think it’s the coolest thing. My sister and my mother are going to be on TV. Maybe a DVD…hell she could become a star. I mean you never know right. She could be discovered. I live in the city of hope…I can see it happening.

I have to retire to the air-conditioned room now. I think my clothing is actually starting to melt into my skin…..

It stands….

I was going to erase that last post but I’m going to let it stand. I hate the depressed, miserable person that I become sometimes. But it does rear its ugly head from time to time. But it’s all good. I know I’m going to have those….these days.

I’m growing weary of being the tragic soul though. Boo fucking hoo. Only a million people have walked in my shoes. And most have come out smelling like a rose.

Had a good time tonight, went swimming at M’s parents house again. I’m putting that Target swim suit to some damn good use….all $20 of it.

Even hung out after M left and talked to her dad about religion. If you know me you know this is a subject I rarely discuss. Too many people have too many ideas about it. Most don’t agree with me. So I usually do not discuss this as well as politics. Passionate subjects lead to disastrous arguments.

But he was cool…I always knew he was. It’s nice to talk to someone on a level of comprehension. This, I have to remember.

I’ve already got the Monday blues….and it’s still Sunday…fuck.

Lately….

I’ve been suffering. I don’t know if I can express how I feel in type. It’s wrong…all wrong. Things shouldn’t have happen as they did. Why can’t it just be…good…simple.

This is hell…but it just happens to be called earth.

As I bow my head and hold my own hands, I realize, I am the only one that I have.

I want to scream at what I’ve been through…but all I have to do is look in the mirror to see who is to blame. That’s why I can’t look in the mirror. I can’t face myself. Why didn’t I walk away? Fuck. I stood there and let him do all these shitty things to me. I had no faith in myself.

I want life to land on “cushy cartoon wheels” it usually doesn’t…but it should, and I will try for the rest of my life to think it will.

As I sit here crying…over him…someone that almost destroyed me…I wonder. Why?

I want to pick up the phone and call him. Make sure he’s ok. But I can’t.

I loved him so much. You would think that someone would appreciate that….or at least notice it.

This is why I am the way I am. At least I can depend on myself. That’s a sad thing to say.

I’m just starting to realize the damage he did.

I beg everyday for the pain to stop. It doesn’t.

Target….night swimming, losing a dog and an electrical storm…..

Wow did I have a day yesterday or what. I’m sure it can’t compare to the time I would have had at the “festival” but I digress…

I went to M’s house, we were hanging out listening to her favorite band, which has now been revived in my heart…The Chili Peppers. Then the key turns in the lock. I didn’t even hear it. She did. It was hubby. I think that’s why I wrote that post last night. It’s painful for me to be around a break up. I see both sides of the story and I feel pain for both. They talked for a while…fought for a while. And then he sat. In the chair he always used to sit in. Not saying a word. He missed his home…his life…his son…and her. But when you fuck up so bad, you can’t expect the same person is going to continue to stand there and take it.

Ok, I can’t dwell on that…so on with the day…

Target, I know now why I can not go to this store. Too much, sensory overload, not to mention I’m staring bankruptcy in the face.

$150.78…was my total. Do I have $150.78? Not yet. But I’ll find it somewhere.

See, I rarely shop like this. I’m a big thrift store girl. Buy a new piece of clothing? A new pair of shoes? Peshaaa….Why spend $50 dollars for a pair of no name shoes when I can go to a thrift store and buy a barely wore pair of $200 dollar shoes for $5. For all you folks out there that think these stores are garbage…you have to remember I live in the town of gluttony. The thrift stores in Hollywood are fabulous. All the rich people wear things once and donate it…hell, I’ve bought shoes and clothing that has never been worn. Ok enough of me trying to justify why I wear used clothing.

Its funny how new clothes can make you feel. What was really bizarre is that I picked out all girly stuff. I haven’t been a girly girl in years. I even bought a swim suit. It has sparkles on it. Yeah I’m a dork…I know….but oh how I’ve missed me.

M has the luxury of her parents living right down the street…and they have a pool. New swim suit? Did someone say pool? You bet ya. We were off. We got there around sunset. Love swimming at night. We hung out and talked about everything that was happening in her life. I wish I could change things and make them better but I can’t.

I’m dwelling again….sorry…

So I go to smoke…I was going out the gate and her dog followed me. He’s a lot bigger than mine and is very….well….ummm….overbearing is the only word I can come up with. I opened the gate, tried to slide through and he barreled through me, over me, almost upside downed me. He took off and I was right behind him. Do you know how hard it is to catch a retriever in a swim suit and no shoes? Pretty fucking hard. I was running down the street screaming my friend’s name. That damn dog. M said she slowly got out of the pool and with a sigh went and got her towel….dried off…and walked to the house get her keys and came to save me and her dog. She’s really good at saving people. It was just another day for her…no freak out…she was so calm and I was a wreck. She just laughed. Gotta love M.

So back to the pool…her dog actually swam. That was cool. That's when the lighting started. It was so weird to see that again. I haven’t seen it since I lived in Texas. Lighting with no thunder and no rain…it was beautiful.

I had a really good time.

It did make me realize why I choose to let a friendship go. I have nothing in common any more with my old friend. I have changed and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t like the new me, and maybe I’m tired of the old her. Who knows right?

So…thisishowmymorning is going….

All the windows and doors are open…the weather is really freaky. All the sudden the wind kicks up and then falls….to silence.

I’m happy in my own skin….and my dogs are asleep.

All in all…it’s a pretty fucking cool day.

Hate me today….

I’ve tried to write this post so many times….now it only makes sense to me….

I’m never at a loss for words…tonight is different.

What I want to say is…why isn’t everything simple?

I want to walk up to someone and say “Don’t you get it? Don’t you understand? Didn’t I do enough? Didn’t I try enough? What more do you want?"

I tried. I couldn’t do it. Jesusfuckingchrist when am I going to stop blaming myself?

Probably…about never….

He hates me...he hates me....and I don't understand why...

Quote…

“Any experiment of interest in life will be carried out at your own expense…mark it… well.”

It’s true…so very true. But it’s a certain kind of person that looks at life this way. Most people don’t want to take the chance at their own expense, whether it be emotional or monetary.

I’ve found that people are afraid. I’ve usually been the first to leap, and I’m the biggest puss in the world….well after saying that…maybe not.

I think the ones that are silent are stronger, the outspoken are the weak, talking to cover up insecurity. People are too cynical for me. Life is face value. It is what you make it. I trust everyone, until I’m proven wrong. Most people say that’s a bad quality…I don’t think so.

Some one made me feel like an angel...

And he just happens to be 9 years old.

My friend M (not Minn)is going through some pretty hard days. Husband has moved out, house is going on the market and fights have ensued over the last week.

One of the fights that I’m referring to has to do with the title of my post.

On a certain night, one of the things that the hubby did was rip all of the “F’s” out of their phone book. I have to add that her son was in the room. My last name starts with an F. I do wish it was fuck sometimes…or, even better…India Whatthefuck…..or India Whatthefuckever…heh…I think I like the last.

Anyway, M and her son were cleaning up his room tonight and he found two little address books. M said when I was talking to her “you know the kids ones”. Her son picked them up and handed her one, and said “You can write India’s name in this phone book and he won’t find it, but you have to keep it in your purse…put it in your purse.”

I’ve always loved her son with the same admiration that I love Minn’s son. They are such beautiful children. They are just like their mothers…gentle...kind, souls.

For that little boy to think that his mom needed my phone number that much…and had a way for her to keep it, as her own, and wanted her to talk to me, meant mountains to me.

Just a little boy...that is smarter beyond his years.

14 Years of friendship down the hole….over some fucking jazz festival….

Now I hate jazz even more….

I wanted to talk about this last night….that was kind of in my last post, but certain circumstances distracted me, made me write something that was in between the two.

All for the better though, because the real demise of the friendship happened today…and yes…it was over an invitation to a jazz festival. I will never use the word jazz again.

It started with a simple email asking me if I wanted to go to this festival near my house this weekend. I declined. Very nicely I might add. I told her I didn’t really like the music that much and it was definitely too hot for me. Plus I’m broke right now.

Before I go on, I know that emails are misconstrued sometimes so I always give the other person the benefit of the doubt as to what they meant to say and how they meant to say it.

She emailed me back asking if it was just her that I didn’t want to go out with or was it really the fact of all the reason I listed. I sent her one back saying it definitely wasn’t her and it was, in fact, all the reasons I listed.

The reply I got from her shocked me. To break it down, basically what she said was I need to get out, I’m not living life, how can he still affect me, she thought that I was stronger than this, but she guessed wrong. There was more but I don’t wish to relive it nor repeat it. I’ve had enough of being judged for a while.

I sat with that last night. I didn’t call her and I didn’t email her back. I wanted to choose my words correctly and make my point clear without being quite as rude as she was to me.

So I sent her an email back this morning explaining that I didn’t want to just blatantly say no I don’t want to go, but what I said to was the truth. I didn’t want to go because of the reasons that I gave her. I told her that I am living my life but by my standards. I don’t want to go somewhere I don’t want to go. I did that for way to long with him.

I’ve said this here before and I’ve said it to her. Don’t ever think after a person goes though a break-up of any kind, you know how they feel or even think you know how they should feel or how long it will take to heal. And I would never in my life dream of saying to someone “Get over it”, which she put in one of her emails. You just never know if it’s that simple and it probably never is.

A friend’s email really helped me today (thanks sj) and a lot of my revelations about this situation came from him….I don’t want that to go unnoticed…it also kept me from crying at my desk after I read her last email.

After 14 years of friendship…the reply I got to my email trying to explain what I was going through was…

“Never email me again! Have a great day!”

Does it break my heart? Yes. Did I just cry typing that last sentence…you bet ya.

People change. Friendships should change with us. It doesn’t work if one person stays the same and another moves forward. She will never be any different than she is now. She has no reason to. She wants to find a man that can be there for her and support her in more ways than one.

I don’t. My goal in life is not to find a man. After he left, yes…I wanted someone to fill in for the pain. I found it doesn’t work that way. I’ve discovered different things. I discovered something that I might want to do for the rest of my life instead of just a job. I found feelings that I thought were dead and buried.

I want to scream to her “Yes life is what you make it, yes, it is for the living…and sister, I’ve been dead for way to long, and I have no intentions of letting someone bury me again….

not even you.”

I remember the morning when…

He was sitting on the bottom stair…outside in the sun…with a pound of beer and tequila in his belly and not knowing how much blow went up his nose, the night before, or the morning…crying…wanting to be saved, wanting me to forgive him for all he had done. He begged for my forgiveness. How bad he had treated me. I believed him. I wanted to. I still want too.

You see…I just don’t understand…..

I had my own things to talk about tonight...but sometimes my mind goes to him.

And other people don’t understand.

Dammit….Why do I do this?

I just don’t understand why I stay up when I know that I have to work tomorrow. I guess it’s just hard for me to settle down some times….and I don’t want the night to end because then the morning begins….alarm clock goes off…yuck.

God knows I'm puting anyone out there reading this to sleep….I think I’m putting myself to sleep.

Alright…alright…I’m going….

I’ve lost the desire for food and I wish my Neighbor would turn down his fucking TV at night….oh yeah and the thought of death

And other random shit….

Yeah I was up last night….I guess his fucking TV woke me up about 3am. I guess he was watching or fell asleep to something on the History channel or something. It sounded like native drums for 3 hours….geese….at least let it be MTV or Fuse…anything but what I was hearing.

I should have just gotten up, but I don’t usually do that at night…I lay in bed and try to make myself sleep but I think when I do that I ponder things way to much and work myself up into a panic. Not a good thing for someone that’s teetering on the edge sometimes. Death usually comes to mind when I do that. Not me offing myself or anything but just the thought of it and the unknown. It scares the fuck out of me. I hate when I ask people if they are afraid of death and they say “no, why?” I just want to say “oh shut up, yes you are.”

Food….ahhh….food, how I miss enjoying it. I’m pretty sure that I’ve mentioned this here before but I use to be a cow a big 189 lbs. cow…I’m only 5’5 so, yeah, I was a fat pig. Sugar was my thing…oh and burgers. The amount of garbage that I use to consume in one day I can’t even imagine eating now in one month. I stopped eating sugar about 5 years ago. I’m pretty sure I would have been in a sugar coma now if I wouldn’t have. I have started buying it again though because sometimes it’s the only thing that tastes good. Me and Minn have figured out why, just not really ready to talk about it here…not yet.

My job...today wasn’t bad, it was pretty busy...made the day go fast. I’m just tiring of a job that I wish my days away looking forward to the weekends….when it is the weekend I end up sitting here in front of the computer basically doing nothing. I’ve got to start shooting for what I really want to do before it’s too late. I just haven’t had the drive in me these days. Hell, maybe I never have who fucking knows…but if I never have then I have to find it…but soon.

And if I see one more stupid commercial I’m going to scream. Where do the advertising agencies come up with this crap? I think the most incredible commercial is the one with the Cavemen being offended by a commercial. “I’ll have the salmon with the mango salsa”. What a great commercial. I laugh every time I see it. Can you tell I’m in advertising? Heh.

Sex…damn I miss it…no wonder I don’t want to eat….

And fuck…Blogger is really fucking pissing me off right now…publish my fucking post!!

Bitch…bitch…moan. Sorry, just felt like it tonight.

It’s funny what you find when your not looking for anything.

Yup that's right. This is like the shirt I wore. I guess they bought them in bulk. My post a couple of days back about the restaurant in Sherman. This is Terry, the drummer and that shirt is just like the one I had on but like I said Scott’s was maroon….”maroon”….such a chick word.

Anyway…the other is me in the 80’s…just felt like posting it….one of the few pictures I like of myself.

Minn and I were going through old memories last night. I found a box I completely forgot about. Packed to the brim with stuff I haven’t seen in years. I found all my old journals. Man….I haven’t changed a bit. I guess the core person never changes no matter how old you get. I’m still the same depressed, tragic soul I was when I was 15.

Ah well….we all have our faults right?

Love…what a crock of shit…

I get this way sometimes.

Love…hmmm….

What do I think about love? Let’s see…

I’ve been in love 3 times in my life.

First was Joe, didn’t really know that until it was gone…you can’t bring back suicide.

Second….Sam…that was shit….ummm….3 years long…and you know what, after 3 years of being with him the only thing I have to say is that he started cheating on me after 6 months. So that was pretty much over after 6 months…I just didn’t know it until it was over. But he told me in the end, I wasn’t good enough for him.

We all know about the third. My decade of darkness…and I say that with a vengeance. I even got that wrong…it wasn’t a decade…I missed it by 1 year…thank god.

I believe in things that sometimes aren’t possible.

Ok…I understand that there are things that people strive for. But doesn’t it all boil down to one thing? Love.

Ahh…don’t the Beatles come to mind after that last sentence.

I’ve been crushed over a couple of instances over the last couple of months. I feel too much sometimes, I guess. People don’t get connected as fast as I do. All my relationships happened in a snap…instant.

Do you know what I want now? I want the first “last kiss”.

Yea, little miss hard core wants a fairytale.

AT&T is closed on Sunday

Yup…now I just don’t understand this. A multimillion dollar corporation is closed on Sunday. I need help here people. No, sorry we are closed on Sunday is what the recording said. I called 411 three times because I didn’t believe it. What the fuck?

I got through to tech support, they couldn’t help me but they were open.

Let me explain. I changed my phone number and I guess, hell, I don’t know it doesn’t want me to have voicemail now?

My message center knows my old phone number but not my new one, again…what the fuck.

Not that I give a shit, I don’t really care, it’s not like my phone is ringing off the hook or anything, just a little frustrating.

AT&T….closed on Sunday…go figure.

There’s a moth in my fridge, its 6:47am and I’m sitting here watching Pretty in Pink.

Three wrongs don’t make a right….right?

I have to say it one more time….my bed…is crazy…insanity at it’s finest. I slept so good I had nightmares. Now that’s a good night’s sleep. I don’t usually dream….at least not when I sleep. I day dream….I’m really good at that.

So, it’s still the weekend…it’s really weird when I think the weekend should be over but it’s not. Heh.

My bed is Fantabulious!!!!

I just can’t believe it. A real bed…wow, what a concept. Ok, I’ll stop talking about it...for now.

I’ve turned a corner here. I’ve started seeing things in a new light. Things are possible. I use to be this way. I could fix every situation in my world…almost….no, that’s not true…the only thing I couldn’t fix was death. You can’t control that shit.

Somewhere along the line I forgot that….ummm…what I was. Yeah, I was the girl with the “Fuck off” t-shirt.

I lost faith in everything. The mental melt down I had was pretty bad. You can’t live with crazy and not expect to be crazy at some point. I got out just in time. Just before I went fucking insane.

It’s amazing…when I think back now…I listened to his music, he made me read his books, told me everything I believed in was wrong. Ahhhh….ain’t love grand.

I lost myself somewhere along the way…but I can’t continue to blame him.

I want to cry over the years that I was with him. I still feel bad for the smallest of things. When in actuality, I shouldn’t.

I was there. I paid the rent, all the bills, fixed his cars, physically as well as monetarily…worked my ass off, had two jobs at one point…when he had none…he didn’t even try. It was all about him. His demise. How he was doing everything wrong. How he fucked up. I just kept thinking…if you’re fucking up…stop it. Isn’t it that simple? No. It wasn’t.

He wanted someone to go down with him. I almost did…I was pretty damn close. I think that was his mission, in the end, was for me to fall, to fail, to show weakness. He just didn’t understand that I wasn’t built that way, and I think that pissed him off beyond belief.

Everyone in his life failed him, to his standards, that is. No one was good enough for him. His mom, dad, step father, sister, step sister, and me…we did everything wrong. We just weren’t good enough…for him. And every single one of us has had his wrath.

I always told him “We are a product of our environment”. He didn’t believe me. The stories he told me about his father…fuck….unbelievable. He’s just like him…hence my saying.

He lied, cheated, and stole from me….and I stood there. Why? Hell, I thought I could save him…but no one can save someone from themselves.

I’m not normal now, I think different. Well, I was never normal…truth be told, but now I see everything askew and I’m trying to change this.

Fucking asshole…sorry…just had to let that out.

It’s a fucking sweet world. Everyday is fucking magic. We are here. I guess it’s what you make of it. We have the world at our fingertips… I loose sight of that sometimes.

I love, hate, live and die in one day. That’s who I am. And I can’t comprehend people that aren’t this way.

What an epiphany on a Saturday afternoon.

I actually have a bed…

By that I mean a bed on….stilts? Not on the floor. Heh…yeah I have a bed with a frame…and it’s sweet. All puffy, purty and shiny new. It’s the kind of bed you just melt into.

My friend M…really…damn…just…did everything tonight for me. So did her son and R.

It’s so amazing to me. Two boys…BOYS….helped us move a HUGE queen sized mattress into my place. And they were proud. See, that’s how it should be. They were helping us. We couldn’t have done it without them

It’s funny, 2 boys were so adamant about getting my bed in here and setting it up. One 9, and the other 12. But they were men, and they did it. Well with a little help from me and M…more M than me. But I’ll tell you something, these guys were relentless. I told them to leave it and I would do it later, no, they wanted to set it up.

I was blown away. They did it. It was so nice to have someone helping me instead of me doing it all by myself. And it was really fucking fun.

Turn the page….

I was going to write about this last night but didn’t feeling like getting to deep. I heard the above song yesterday…and then today. Hearing it once brought up a certain memory then hearing it again today…well….I’ll just tell the damn story.

There is a part in that song that says
“You can feel the eyes upon you as you’re shaking off the cold
you pretend it doesn’t bother you, but you just want to explode.
Most times you can’t hear ‘em talk, other times you can.
Oh the same old cliché, is that woman or a man
you always see out numbered, you don’t dare make a stand.

Me and the two friends that I had at the time drove out to see our friends in a band. We lived in Dallas and they were playing in Sherman. My grandparents lived there and it is defiantly what you can call a “one horse town”.

The band was Naked Zoo and we knew all of them. Actually, Scott was in that band. I blogged about him a while back he’s “the one that got away”.

We drove up on a Saturday night and they were playing at a club on the outskirts of Sherman. We had a blast at the club then all of us partied at the motel afterwards till the wee hours of the morning. We had to get up relatively early because they had to get on the road. They had a gig that night in a town a few hours away.

Now being as hung over as we were we decided to go to Luby’s Cafeteria because goodness knows they have the best breakfast for a hangover…Greasy down home garbage. Love it!

The shirt I had on the night before wasn’t really…ummm…appropriate so Scott lent me one of his which was even more inappropriate but I loved it. It was maroon and in huge bold white letters across the front it said “FUCK OFF”. Mind you, we didn’t consider that it was around noon on a Sunday, in a small town, in the bible belt of America. Yeah, church was over and everyone goes to lunch afterwards.

We didn’t do much to spruce up for the occasion. Us girls still had makeup on from the night before…for that matter, all the guys did too. I mean it was the 80’s, boys in bands then looked better than some of the girls at the club.

So here we come, in all there were 10 of us, jumping out of a huge van. I still remember the front of the restaurant was all windows. The heads slowly started turning. Staring in disgust and amazement as we starting walking towards the restaurant.

Honestly I can’t even imagine the vision of us, a big pack of hung over, long haired glam rock and rollers with hair to our asses (including the guys) not to mention the fuck off t-shirt I had on…with a spandex skirt. Did I mention that?...heh. Also, my friend had barely a shirt on and she was a DD.

The magnitude didn’t really hit us until we actually got into the restaurant. I thought for a second that they were going to tell us to leave but I think the poor girl at the counter was just too shocked. We started down the buffet line, that’s when it started. The whispers, names….I heard devil a couple of times as well as sluts, whores…a couple of May God help them…and of course from the song, are those women or men.

It’s not like we had white sheets over our heads or Swastika symbols carved on our foreheads. Just a little need for some crappy breakfast after having a really crazy night.

When we sat down it continued. It’s amazingly difficult to eat when almost a whole restaurant is looking at you. At one point Terry, the drummer said “let’s fucking blow this place, it’s not worth it”. But since we had already paid and we were all pretty much broke that wasn’t going to happen. One of the roadies said “Well, let’s make the best of it. Let’s act like what they think we are.” All of us got overly animated. We started glaring at people, talking loud and using as much profanity as possible. The manager finally mustarded up enough courage to come over to the table and of all people asked Terry if we could keep it down. He stood up threw his napkin down and said “Fuck it, we’re leaving, we’re too fucking good for this place anyway.”

We all got up and left.

You would think that we walked out laughing, but we didn’t. We were actually quite surprised. When you live in a metropolitan city, you tend to forget that there are still people out there that are not raised to think outside of their world.

Discrimination- Such an ugly fucking word. And maybe I’m doing the same thing by talking about them, but I wasn’t the one calling them names just because of the way they looked or their actions….and when I say “them” I mean the people in the restaurant, I don't mean it in a derogatory sense.

The funny thing is…it’s not like we stayed up all night shooting heroin…just drank a helluv a lot of beer. There was no sex. We just all hung out and had a fucking great time. But that whole fucking restaurant thought that the devil had come to Sherman on a Sunday afternoon. All we wanted was breakfast.

Every time I hear that song I think about that day….

I also think about how much I wanted that fucking shirt….heh.

The things that really fucking annoyed me today……

ESPY Awards.
Another fucking award show happening across the street from where I work. Now does anyone know what these fucking awards are? I don’t know and I don’t fucking care. They closed off a block of Hollywood Blvd. and that sends the whole city immediately into traffic jam mode. Fucking award shows…oh how I hate them.

No sunglasses
I see the pain in people’s faces when they squint against the sun. Why people why?? I won’t walk out of the house without a pair. Why people walk around with their faces wrinkled up like a prune when there is a very simple solution is beyond my comprehension.

Women that don’t say “Thank you”.
Now I know why chivalry is dead, because it’s not appreciated. On three occasions today men let me walk out of the elevator first. They held the elevator doors so they wouldn’t accidentally mush me. On two occasions there were women in front of me. None of them acknowledged they did this, nor did they say thank you to them. Did I, you might ask? Yes of course I thanked them. The men looked actually surprised and even said “Your welcome”. On two other occasions, women on their cell phones, a man is walking in front of them, gets to the door first, opens it and holds the door for the woman. Both of them kept talking on their cell phone and never said “Thank you” and didn’t even look at them. Sad.

People that think that they are too special….
to give you the time of day.

Silence.
You ask someone a question and there is no end or answer.

My local grocery store man
He held my bottle of wine hostage when he bagged it and wouldn’t let me have it. He said “I think I’m just going to keep it for myself…unless you want to share?” No.

The homeless man (this happened yesterday)
When I was pulling away from the pump, at a gas station, this man, as he walked by my car said “You are going to die”. That’s was annoying and disturbing.

Last one
When I finally got in my car after rescuing my bottle of wine, I heard a basket rolling and looked up. Mind you, I was parked right by the return cart cage. I looked up in just enough time to see the cart roll and hit the curb approx. 1 foot from the return cart place. One foot. I saw the lady walking back to her car which was about 5 spaces away. I mean maybe she never played Legos in her lifetime….didn’t know how to fit the carts together. Seriously, take one more fucking step so someone else doesn’t have to trudge in the heat to get your fucking shopping cart. I must admit that she looked miserable, so maybe she was just having a bad day. But one foot?

Ok one more…
People that use too many comma’s….heh…so now I’m annoyed with myself. Brilliant!

Thisishowmynightwent….

Come home:
Greet doggies
Let them out
Feed them
Turn on computer
Change clothes
Doggies greet me saying, thanks for the grub
Dogs proceed to run around the house like lunatics
I sit down at computer
Log on
Nope
“Not going to do it” the big metal box says
I shoot the finger at the big metal box’s screen
I try again
Big metal box laughs
Shows me the blue screen of death
I kill it….reboot
Try to log on again
“No, he says…tired”
“Ok you little fucker” I said
I System restore
It yawns
Call Minn and bitch about it
Minn has to go to bed
I call DSL Company
Tests, tests and more tests
Irreparable, unless expensive DSL man comes out
I know I can still get though
I will defeat DSL conspiracy
Man on phone with DSL said one thing, don’t touch mini DSL fuck off box until other DSL warrior, that doesn’t know shit comes out
I touch little black box…thinking fuck you little DSL man
Something is wrong besides line, I know this
Phone works, DSL doesn’t….one more time…phone works DSL doesn’t
DSL line goes though phone line
To simple, doesn’t make sense to India
Call back DSL Company
Automated, I press 0000000000
“I’m sorry you have entered an invalid option”
Me…screaming at automation
“Bitch I want to talk to a semi-living human being!”
Live person…really?
Takes me through ½ the first test DSL dumb ass person did before
I knew it…not DSL line
Bad filter….again….
Why did 1st evil man lie to me?
Give me two hours of thinking I was stupid.
DSL man not know what he does
DSL Woman good…she help India
Ugh...me go out now and pillage for food.
Hungry after DSL war...

My friend made these…

They are taking over...

I use to like them…but…now they are currently holding my lotto ticket hostage. They demand half of the winnings.

I have to be careful of the frowning orange one...he bites.

From The Notebook to a talk with my friend and now it's Shaun of the Dead

We’ll start with The Notebook…shall we? Gimmineefuckingchristmas. Why do people tell me to watch these movies? Huh? I can tell you right now I am not watching “Garden State” after that one.

So basically, this story is about two people that fall in love get married and in their old age the woman suffers from Alzheimer's disease. So for the golden years, the man basically spends the rest of his life reading this woman “The Notebook” to get 5 minutes of her remembering him like every fucking year. And I’m missing “Hell’s Kitchen” for this. I don’t think so.

Oh…oh…ok, that was the end. They both died in each others arms. No, I didn’t see that coming like a freight train. This one didn’t even make me cry.

As much as I hate to admit it I do like the cheesy love stories every now and them. But I usually know by the first 10 minutes of a movie if I can stand it or not. This one was kind of force feed. This movie was definitely not my cup of tea and it was the kind of movie that I want to write the director personally and ask for the last two hours of my life back.

I know I’m a little tainted when it comes to issues of the heart or even movies about it. Because we all know love isn’t always flowers and sunshine. It’s usually a load of crap that you have to wrap up and make pretty. Ok, not always, but you know what I’m saying.

I’ve said all that crap before here so we won’t go ripping though all those old, horrible…dismal…unimaginable…dark days. Because there is always the light at the end of tunnel right? Sure there is. India being positive, I know, it’s scary but bear with me.

I talked to a friend tonight about the demise of relationships. It’s funny because I have talked to men about their break-ups and how they never saw it coming sometimes. The few men that I’ve talked to, have said that when it happens and the woman is the one ending it was quite the shock.

My friend and I came to the conclusion, for us, that something just snapped all the sudden. It was just one second that we knew it couldn’t happen anymore. I remember a million things went through my mind in a second and I was done. Now it took me a hell of a long time to get the son of a bitch out, but it was that second that decided it. Even after all is said and done, I’m not sure he still believes it's actually over.

The same is happening with my friend. It was three weeks ago that she had the same second. It’s done, but he’s having none of it. I mean how many times do you have to tell someone that it’s over. And the next morning you wake up and they don’t remember a fucking word you said…or don’t want to.

It took me 3 months to finally get DD out and like I said he still doesn’t understand. My friend, hell I don’t know how long it will take. But I know that she has decided.

We both asked ourselves the same question when it hit. Would I rather be alone for the rest of my life or live with this? Crazy or alone...crazy or alone...hmmm...tough decision. Alone? Oh hell yea.

Shaun of the Dead?
Come on, it’s funny....

You know what I want….

It would be so nice to have a date. I haven’t had a real date in years. I mean a real live date. Like the guy coming to my house and picking me up…going out somewhere.

Ahh…there I go with the pipe dreams again…silly me. It’s just been a little lonely around these parts lately. That and being cooped up in a house all day with cheesy stupid love movies on just about every channel. Maybe I need to put in Aliens or something.

You know what I miss? That feeling. Looking at a guy and feeling the butterflies in my stomach. Liking someone so much I want to explode….and you talk about them so much that people avoid you like the plague because they don’t want to hear about them anymore. When the phone rings you run for it.

Yea….I miss that.

Minn reminded me of a story….

It’s funny I just thought about it the other day as well because I was driving on the freeway that it happened from.

It was around 3am one morning and me, DD and a friend of his were driving home from a club. We went under and underpass and got about a block away when we heard a boom. Right before we heard it I looked in the rear view mirror and saw something fall from the freeway. It was a pick-up truck. It seems the guy feel asleep at the wheel. There was one small portion of the freeway between two separate underpasses that didn’t have a guard rail. The truck flew down through that small space and landed on its side.

The streets were deserted. I made a U-turn. It was a man, alone in the car. I looked down in the truck and he looked up at me. He reached his hand up and I grabbed it. I told him everything would be fine. He said “Tell my daughter I love her.” I said “You can tell her yourself, you’re going to be fine.” I looked down and noticed blood coming from the bottom of the truck and starting to touch the edge of my shoes. The man was bleeding pretty badly. Cars started to stop and finally the police came. They told us to leave. I tried to tell the cop what the man had said but he didn’t want to hear it. He told us simply to leave immediately.

DD’s friend called the nearest hospitals the next day and did find out that the man was in critical condition but he was still alive. The hospital wouldn’t give any other information because DD friend wasn’t family or a friend.

I don’t live in that area anymore but sometimes I have to take that freeway. Every time I drive it I wonder about that man and hope he’s ok.

It’s funny we were in DD’s car and his friend was asking how fast it would go. I was at a stop light and when it turned green, I hit the gas. Got it up to 70, which is amazing because the car was a POS. The funny thing is if I wouldn’t have done that there was a good chance that truck could have landed right on top of us.

The whole situation was so bizarre. He had to hit that place in the freeway just perfect to go though that small opening and why did DD’s friend say that and why did I do what I did?

I know, I think too much into things sometimes I guess…..

Humps…why not bumps?

I don’t get it. Who the fuck thought of that? “Warning there are BUMPS in the road"...not HUMPS…what fucking scholar that makes a bazillion dollars a year thought of this?

Humps…what the fuck is that?

I wanted to say something meaningful tonight….

But you know what?…humps is all I got….go figure.

I wanted to say so many things last night….

Couldn’t seem to find any words….no…that’s not right…I had so many that I couldn’t figure out how to put them into place. That’s rare for me. Hell I’ll just splatter a fucking canvass with ‘um and see what comes out. Last night…not so much.

Ya see when the word suicide comes into play…I don’t do so well.

I’m not saying I’m smart, by any realm…now do I have knowledge? You fucking bet your ass I do. You want to talk about someone you think is going to commit suicide, or has? I’ll talk about it because I know what it’s like to be left standing there. You want to talk to me about leaving someone….yeah, done that too….and I’ll talk to you all fucking night long if you need me to.

I mean, everything does happen for a reason. Why am I standing here at this exact moment with the knowledge that I have for someone that is almost in the same situation, just in opposite terms. There is still the chance of them walking away and the other being dead...by there own hand….it lingers.

Did Vance ever say he would kill himself? Yes. If he didn’t have anything promising, musically, at the age of 30, he said he would buy a gun and end it. Did I think he was serious? Yea…and it always there. He started saying it (not often) when I met him when he was 23. He’s going to be 33 in September. Ten years later…do I worry if it will still happen? Of course. Have I cried thinking about something as simple as changing my phone number? Yes, because I know him so well. Could it send him over the edge? Yes. That’s one of the reasons I never wanted to leave, because in my mind, I might as well pulled the trigger. See, I thought I needed to be there to make sure that didn’t happen…when in all actuality, it doesn’t matter. Self destruction is…just that. He’s doing it slowly. I have to be ok with that, because you know what…It’s not my fault….its just not.

Wow…that’s a fucking revelation. And believe me, I’m not sitting here all sunshine about it. I still want to call him and tell him it will be ok. But I can’t…and it breaks my heart…because I so wanted to help him…but I couldn’t.

He was so abused in his lifetime and I still don’t know the real story. His parents were “vague” about it. That didn’t happen or he doesn’t remember it right. There is a reason he found music…to escape, like we all do when we listen to it. Unfortunately, I don’t think he can handle life. I do hope that he becomes what he wants….I hold out hope, for him.

Enough with the sentimental crap…What I wanted to say before I was so …deathly distracted…is just that.

My friend is going through the same thing. Leave and they might kill themselves? Yup…that’s right. After years of the death watch…you just can’t stand it any longer. If there going to do it…they are going to do it.

It’s a hard fact to face…when you are standing outside of their mind.

But you know what? If anyone is serious, and they are really going to do it…it’s done. It may not be tomorrow, a month, a year, or 20 years…it’s if your still there to see it.

Nah…no one wants to live though that shit. It may sound heartless…but the act is selfish.

And for my friend to feel what she felt yesterday is unacceptable. No one should carry that burden.

You can’t be miserable with someone that…well…is just fucking miserable. They want you to be there with them. You just can’t save people that don’t want to be saved.

You have to let them go. It’s very simple. But for some, it’s not so simple. See, we think that we can save the world….save them.

No…we can’t.

Yeah they’ll find it and think it needs to be killed….

I saw this on the way home from lunch and had to go back after work to take pictures. It’s amazing how a tree will do almost anything to live. Not that I’m an expert on trees but it would seem to me that the roots belong underground. The only thing that I thought is there isn’t enough soil so the roots decided to hang out on top and watch Hollywood roll by. I’m sure I’m wrong but hey who really cares. All I know is that one day some city fucking official will drive by it and decide that it’s an eye sore or that the roots will eventually get to the side walk and start buckling it. I’ve seen it happen so many times here. Like I said trees will do anything to survive, I’ve seen roots push up concrete slabs 3 feet to get to soil. The city comes and cuts a huge healthy tree to shreds. I know...I know….all in the name of saving money right. I personally think its bullshit…but I think a lot of things are bullshit these days…go figure.

Wow…I guess I really am in a bad mood today.

By the way what comes next has nothing to do with the picture...or does it?

Repercussion …I guess that's what I’m talking about…reaction from an action.

That word popped into my head today after 2 voicemails on my cell about my phone number change "decision" and an event that happened over the last few days. I just looked up that word and I think it fits what I want to describe…in a round about kind of way.

I’ve usually dealt with situations by being silent. Either I knew that it would cause a problem if I said something or I thought the situation would pass. That has changed over the years and I started speaking my mind and not being so passive. I’ve started speaking out again and you know what…it’s all the all the same fucking reaction.

I put out certain events. Understandable…If you don’t like what I’ve done ask me why.

I know I’m hard to understand, and I’m just weird sometimes…so? Ask me if you don’t understand, ask me why I’m pissed off….ask me why I changed my GODDAMN phone number.

What I got from my little phone change number was blame on my part. Huh? Excuse me? Do you pay my fucking phone bill….much less have to answer the fucking thing? It’s mine. I can throw it in the garbage if I so choose. Leave me alone about my FUCKING PHONE!!!

In another situation that happened this weekend….I receive….silence.

I’m not really sure at this point which is worse. I’ve done both and now received both.

Oh well…that’s my repercussion for what I’ve done right?

I guess the last few days with no words…

Have let loose all the bullshit that sometimes makes me wonder…

Why things just can’t STAY clean. I don’t mean neat and tidy…I mean we clean something once and it stays that way…unless we move or something…then the new place we have to clean just once. New dog? One bath…done. Squeaky clean forever.

Vacuuming… Fugetaboutit. I’d rather rebuild a car engine. Not that I could do it…I would just rather…thank you very much.

I’m trying. I lost the need after a while. I was the man for too long in my last relationship and you get to a point when you work all day, come home and clean, cook dinner and then clean again…I guess that I just got weary. It taught me a lesson though…

I’m from Texas so most men there, someone I know…works his ass off and supports his wife and kids and does the same thing. A lot of men do. Women don’t seem to appreciate it. (not you Minn). They take for granted all the sweet, kind and difficult things that men face on a daily basis.

I have the utmost respect for men. You have no idea.

Why should a man have to pay for a date? I still don’t understand that one. Guess it’s another one of those manly things. I think it’s kind of stupid.

I kind of do like a guy opening the door for me. But I would do the same for anyone.

Now a car door…that’s really cool. To have a guy open the car door for you…uh huh…makes my heart go pitter patter.

Something as simple as that….

I have a lot more to say on this subject but I’m tired and what I wanted to say didn’t exactly come out right but oh well…another night…

So it seems I could have heard more than fireworks last night eh?

Like maybe a Kablooie...or a real big boom!! Hmm….California and Alaska wiped off the map on the 4th of July. Hell, I didn’t know about it, not even today. Minn told me tonight.

I don’t watch the news or read much about world events on the internet because…I simply think it’s all a bunch of crap. It’s all going to end somehow, someway, right? Most of the time I think its more bullshit than truth anyway…or most of it. And I always have the Minn reporter to fill me in without getting to specific.

See if I’m going to be blown up, I don’t want to know about it 10 minutes before it happens because what the hell am I going to do? Run…yeah… I don’t run so fast, especially carrying two dogs.

So if you don’t hear from me tomorrow…well I guess you’ll see it on the news.

I must say before I get blown to bits that “Cinderella Man” is a fabulous movie!

The Eagle has landed….

Ok well it wasn’t an eagle, it was a hawk…and it wasn’t just now it was this afternoon when I came home for lunch. When I pulled up to the house I noticed about 5 birds flying back and fourth and all around each other. I just thought they were hanging out having fun.

I have an SUV, so when I get out of the car and stand next to it, I guess the roof of it comes to about just below my eyes. I got out of my car and all the sudden, out of no where *CRASH*. I look over to see a hawk staring back at me. He wasn’t full grown…probably in his tweens…but it didn’t matter. He was magnificent. That was my first impression. The second was I don’t want to have my face ripped off at this particular time in my life. Not that he would have done it but my instinct being that close to a wild bird kind of kicked in. He started at me for a moment and flew off. He flew up in the air circled around for a few seconds and disappeared into a palm tree.

I went inside hung out with the dogs for my lunch and when it came time to leave, as I was walking out to my car I saw something furry on the top of it. As I approached it I realized it was the bottom remains of a small bird. I guess the hawk was raiding the nests in the trees. All the birds weren’t playing with him, they were trying to keep him from killing their young. I realized…yeah, I had a reason to be frightened in those 5 seconds. It was worth every second though…that bird was amazing.

My grandmother, who was part Indian, always told me that hawks were sprits that watched over us. I always think that when I see them. Maybe it’s because of her, maybe I think that she’s watching over me.

I think I’ve figured out what my problem has been lately…

I guess I feel kind of stupid. I tend to play scenarios in my mind over and over again. Most people make mistakes, say or do something stupid and shrug their shoulders and think well lesson learned, and they move on.

I think that part of my brain is broken. I will play the same situation over and over again in my brain. Thinking why did I do that or why did I say that or I should have done that different or I should have handled it different. I still do it sometimes for things that happened months ago. I only know a couple of people that do this. Like I said most people move on.

A certain situation happened this weekend and well, it made me feel just a wee bit silly and kind of emotionally retarded but I’ve always been emotionally retarded.

I have always become attached to people very quickly. I find that a little weird because of my up bringing. I would think that I would be the opposite, wary and standoffish. I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve. I don’t think it’s bad, it just proves for a lot of heartache in my life.

I don’t feel the need to try and change this, it’s a part of me but sometimes it proves to make me have days like I had as of late. Had to adjust the ol’ heart just a bit and the way I think about a person.

The bad thing about the situation is that I made another person feel uncomfortable and I really feel badly about that. I just hope that with time I can redeem this situation.

Feelings can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.

Happy Independence Day America

I took this last night leaving a friends house. I thought it was kind of cool that someone had this much spirit to put this in their front yard.

I was invited to go to a BBQ today but I’m just not really in the party mood. I think I just feel like hanging out at home. Holidays have lost their thrill for me lately. I’m not really sure why…well that not true. I do know…I just don’t feel like talking about it today.

So, with that said…all ya’ll, out there in the U.S., have a cold beer and a hot dog for me…oh….and if you could throw in a little “Ohhh and aaahhhh” when the fireworks start that would be fabulous.

Things on my mind….

Don't have a lot of words today...I did take this tonight though...

So the deed is done….

My whole house smells of wet dog. I currently have one dog lying in the sun in the back yard and the other glaring at me with so much hatred that I may never be the same.

Lil’ Ripley heard the water out front go on and the battle had begun. 80lbs. of fighting fury. She was having none of this. It took everything that I had just to get her out the door. Man she’s strong…but I did it. Not the best bath in the world….but hey…give me a break. I was going to post pictures of her and me after the war ensued but we both just looked to pathetic. Plus I think I put her through enough embarrassment for one day.

Ok…off to the store.

Now I know why I like this song

The whole song has nothing to do with my situation but the chorus can be perceived in so many ways.

Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you

Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

It's amazing how someone can say something so perfect about your situation without them talking about it at all.

There is something that I really have to talk about…

I’ve said this before here but I’m going to say it one more time to explain the point I am trying to make.

I stared this blog because of Vance. I said in a recent post that things were done. I have closed this chapter in my life. I can no longer have someone in my life that treats me like garbage, especially when I’ve been treated that way by him for years.

I have come to a resolution about things. I said this in an email earlier to a friend and I think I will repeat a lot of it here.

I think sometimes when people read my posts about my ex that I look weak. At times in the relationship I was….after the break up there were times I was. Why did I stay with him? Why do I continue to talk to him or let him in my house when he stops by with out calling or a warning? I’ve finally figured it out.

I have in my life refused to believe that anyone is all bad. There has to be some redeeming quality to them. No one can be all bad. Especially no one that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

I had faith in him. I thought the person that I fell in love with would come back. The actually truth is, he was never there in the first place. It was all an illusion. He was acting like the person he wanted to be not the person he was. You can’t hide that for long and when the real him started coming out I didn’t really understand. I thought that we could work through our problem together. You can’t fix someone that doesn’t want to fix themselves.

I’m not the kind of person that turns people in need away. That’s why I continued to talk to him and let him in my house. Even after all the things he did to me. To me it was like turning an injured animal away.

The problem, as I’ve lead people to believe here is I’ve blamed him. The truth is…I don’t like for anyone not to like me or think ill of me. I never wanted him to hate me…but he already did…he was just using me for what ever he needed at whatever time he needed it. In turn…he was destroying me.

I’ve come a long way in a short amount of time. Yeah I still have things that I need to work through…but you know what? We all do. I think what I’ve lived through has made me stronger…not weaker.

It makes me a little angry when people seem to think they know what my next steps will be or they think they know what I will go through to work this out or they think they know my emotional state of mind.

As I told my mother, don’t talk to me and tell me what you think I’m going through unless you have walked in my shoes.

I’m a pretty hard core person and I admit that. I’m finally coming back and I’m coming back with knowledge. Don’t tell me I’m wounded. Don’t tell me I have a long road ahead of me. Don’t tell me shit…because the fact of the matter is…you don’t know.

The stories I tell here about him and the past things that have happen are that…the past.

I will sit down and post a blog about something I remembered in a moment. Am I upset when I post it…probably. What do I do after I post it? I feel better that I let it out and that’s it’s behind me now. Those days with him will never happen again. I know I can no longer talk to him again. The only grief I feel now is for a person that doesn’t know his own potential and has been raised to become such a product of his environment that I don’t know if he will ever see life the way he should. It does make me sad. But there is nothing more I can do for him, and I’m tired of trying, he has to find his own way.

It’s been almost a year since he left. I have discovered so many things in my life that seem new again. I have a new found friendship with someone that is now going to go through some of the same thing I have just been through. I just have to stand by her. Give my advice when she asks…knowing me I’m sure I’ll give it when she doesn’t need it or want it, but I know now that I will never say what I think she will go through…because I have no idea.

I guess what I’m saying is just because certain things happen in a persons life, don’t assume that they are wounded beyond help at certain times.

Yes it’s hard for me to look in the mirror…but you know what? I can look at my soul and I think I’m beautiful. So what does it matter what the outside of me looks like. It doesn’t.

I think the only thing that I’ve ever strived for in my life was to be a good person. That’s really all I care about. He tried to take that away from me….and he still is. That is one thing that I will allow no one to take. This is why I can no longer talk to this person.

I just want people to know when they read these stories that this is the past. I just had to figure out why I stayed and why I continued to blame myself for the mess I was in.

I loved someone too much. I loved someone that didn’t even like himself. I just didn’t see it.

I guess my point is…and all I want to say tonight is…

Don’t look at me as if I’m fucked up and weak…that was never my intention here. Yeah, a lot of bullshit happened to me that I should have stood up…the funny thing is…I did. I never tell those stories because that wasn’t my point of this whole blog. I was trying to figure out him. Yes, even after it was over…I still needed answers.

See no one out there knows me but Minn. To tell you the truth…I have kicked the boy’s ass…when I was cornered…do you think I just stood there and took it? No. I fought back, which proved to make matters worse. That’s probably one of the reasons he did what he did to me because I wouldn’t back down. I wasn’t as manipulative as he was but I could go toe to toe with him, physically on any given day. Yes, usually I would loose and the end was bad and it shouldn’t even have gone there, and I know it, but it happened and there is nothing I can do to erase it. It’s just how it all happened.

I never…EVER want to be in a relationship like this again. But like I said…it happened and sometimes you get wrapped up in a certain situation and if its 1 week or 9 years, it’s the people involved. It escalates until you have no perception of what is normal anymore. I know what’s normal…unfortunately he never has and never will know normalcy in his life. That’s sad, but I can’t do a fucking thing about it and I’ve finally realized that. I never wanted to do this but I have to turn around and walk away. I don’t think I will ever talk to him again. He is just too hard on my heart.

Now….with all that said of course I have something else to say.

Choose your word lightly to other people. When it comes to people being one way or another you just don’t know. I lived for years with him thinking he knew how I felt or what I was thinking…he was never right. The plain fact is you NEVER know what is in someone else’s mind. Who knows if I will pull out a gun tonight and blow my brains out….or…if I will find the cure for some incurable disease tomorrow. No one knows.

I guess the thing that set me off is someone looking at me and thinking that I’m an emotional wreak or that I’m weak. So not the case, yeah, I’m sensitive, I’ll fess up to that one…but weak…I don’t think so. I would have been dead long ago if I was weak.

Enough is enough….

I’m not going to waste anymore of my energy or mind space on him.

So this is what I’m planning on doing today. I’m a little frightened but it has to be done. The consequences could be serious. The out come might be just a little ugly…but like I said…it has to be done.

I’m trying to mustard up the courage to do it…

I have to give my dogs a bath.

One hates it but will stand still and let me do it. The other….not so much…

I feel like a laugh today so there might be a picture of me posted after this war ensues.

Stay tuned….

I’m a dreamer

I don’t really think that there is anything wrong with that…but some people do.

I’ve had my mother and my sister hang up on me tonight…because they just don’t want to hear it. My whole family is very hard headed. We know it all. Or at least I thought.

NO ONE…I’ll say it one more time so it’s very clear…NO ONE knows what is in my brain. K pumpkin? Shut the FUCK up. I will never again speak on a subject that I don’t know anything about.

No one understands. No one can, but they think they can. I don’t even know….I have no idea what I’ve been through…and that’s bad.

I can honestly tell you that I would love to end it…end me. I can’t go there though. I can’t do it because I’ve lived through someone else doing it, and the aftermath is horrible. Plus it’s the easy way out.

Oh how I loved Vance. I just don’t know what happened and I’m spending way to much time trying to figure it out. I’m also wasting other people’s time. I search for answers and no one can give them to me because only a select few know what I’m going through. And even they don’t know.

Ma: it wasn’t that bad…look at what I’ve lived through…and I never lost it.

That’s why I get in fights with her.

Me: Sorry Ma…can’t buck it up anymore…I’m falling apart over here.

Ma: Well, why do you talk to him then, why do you let him do this to you?

Me: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHY!!!! DON’T YOU GET IT?????? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!!!!!

Ma: You’re being irrational.

Me: Ya think?

Ma: India, I’ve raised ya’ll and been though a lot, and I just don’t understand why you can’t see that he’s just mean.

I call my family or friends to talk. I think that…well…people will understand. Not this one. They are tired, just like I am. They have heard it all before. They keep thinking that I’m still going to talk to him. No. I can’t. I know it takes people awhile to believe a person that has been how I’ve been, but they should know by now I’m serious.

I don’t understand a lot of things but I’m tired of fighting and I’m tired of trying.

Yea, I’m fucked up and I know it. I’m working through it and I will never talk to him again unless it’s an unexpected encounter…even then…I don’t want to know him.

I’m going to post this picture…maybe to mark his death in my world…

I still see someone good…and it blows me away…because he’s just…not.

I wanted to write an ending line...I don't have one...

For the first time in my life…I hate someone

I also pity him. I can no longer continue to carry his burden on my shoulders. I can no longer withstand his insults. I just can’t do it anymore. If I continue, he will take my soul. I think that I’ve already given him enough. I truly think that he really does want to kill me in some form or another…and he’s doing a damn good job.

I know it sounds dramatic, and I think I’m blowing things out of proportion, but I’m not. I have never encountered anyone quite as cruel as him.

I know the reasons, I’ve played them in my head a million times. He is breaking me down to feel better about himself. We all do it at one time or another in our lives…but him…he’s made it a career.

I wish I could promise that I won’t talk about him anymore here, but I sure that won’t happen. I’ll try not to do it as much…but give me a break, I’ve had a bad Vance day. Yup that’s his name.

One sentence….that’s how good he is…I’m right back to where I was…in one fucking sentence…a stupid…fucking…fat…horrible…cunt..

That will crack a mirror if I look in to it.

Why do people think they have the right?

This is my world now. No one else’s. Why people think that they have the right to invade it is beyond me. Not people actually, one person...him.

As I’ve said I still answer the phone sometimes when he calls. Today was the last time. I have to realize that I don’t need to know this person anymore. In a span of 3 minutes he insulted me, my job and my house. I am so angry right now I’m shaking.

He just told me he blames me for the whole demise of the relationship. How he wasted 9 years of his life on me. Then he proceeded to rip me to shreds.

I’ve often blamed him for me not being able to look in the mirror. He has called me so many names that that’s all I saw in my face.

He did it one better today, I honestly didn’t even think he could out do himself. But he did...and it was brilliant. He said the reason I can’t look in the mirror anymore is because I’d crack it.

What kind of person says this to someone else?

A couple of my friends have said he’s not crazy, he’s just mean. I never wanted to admit that. I didn't think that anyone could be just...plain...mean. But he is. He’s just a fucking mean bastard that I happen to come into contact with for 9 long fucking years.

He really did almost make me loose my mind and you know what? I’m still not sure if he succeeded or not. I mean we are all kind of crazy in our own right….right? I think I’m just a little worse for wear.

I can’t do it anymore. I’m standing on the edge looking down…one more poke on my back and...I don't know what's going to happen.

I just changed my phone number. I can't do it anymore.

I had fun...and my friend’s dog ate my sandwich…heh.

Yeah today has been a fucking trip. I forgot what it was like to just hang out with a girlfriend, just two people talking with no bullshit. Chatting like girls will chat. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve sat down and talked to a girlfriend in person? Hmmmm…let’s think…Christmas Eve was the last time with T

It was so much fun…happiness in disaster.

We all live through our shit. I got into a fight with my mom tonight over what has happened today. My mother is opinionated, to say the fucking least. Don’t get me wrong. I love my Ma but…we are so similar that we fight constantly. But we can still talk.

We got into a fight tonight about crazy. Yea, see if you haven’t lived with crazy, then don’t give me advice…because your advice means shit to me. If you’ve lived through it, I will listen to every word, if not, shut the fuck up.

You see, my family has no idea. They don’t understand and they never will…that’s cool.

I have a need to tell this story…I guess it’s just what I do here. It’s mine so I can say whatever the fuck I want to right?

We got into a fight one night. This was in the early years. He wasn’t hitting me yet but it should have clued me in, that he would grab my hand and bite it. Duh? It’s funny how it builds up. From my hand to my arm…then…this is the painful part…my cheek. I had a perfect bruise of his teeth on my cheek. Yeah, that was pretty hard to hide.

I remembered that story yesterday or the day before, I can’t remember. Ahh…the love you feel for someone. I knew he had problems and I was willing to live and try with him. Heh…I wanted to try but he didn’t.

It’s funny, he still calls and that was a hellofalongtimeago…but I still think that I can make him better. I just can’t. Survival of the fittest is my motto now. I no longer want to sacrifice myself for him.

I’m also glad, that maybe my friend has chosen that option as well.

If you live with crazy too long you become crazy. I’m not talking about someone having a shit fit…I’m talking full on crazy. I’ve been with it and it was almost the end of me. My friend…shit…I’ve never heard her laugh as much as she has in the last week. It’s beautiful.

No one, but a select few, understand what its like to love someone so much that you would sacrifice your soul…or your mind, in the name of crazy. It’s a big swirling pool that just sucks you in…..for years.

But for the sane, something snaps. We have to get out while the getting is good. We know we are going to lose our minds if it continues.

Just in the nick of time….